How should I approach this conversation? Really need some guidance!

[FairylightsAndMoonbeams]

Morning wise people of MN. I need your guidance... It's probably over long for the question but didn't want to drip feed and wanted to give a full picture for clarity.

In January, I met a man. Prior to that, I have been single for around 5 years or so.

I feel I'm ready for, and deserve, a loving, loyal, long lasting relationship with someone and everything about this man and how we are together has suggested that he has the potential to be that someone.

Which brings me to the 'problem'.

He divorced a few years ago. He subsequently had another relationship which ended around last summer. He told me they were still friends on fb after the breakup but didn't have any contact with each other otherwise. Then in March, he told me that she'd contacted him saying that she'd like to give the relationship another go. He said that he'd met someone else, was really happy and had no interest in doing so and he told me that he'd deleted her contact details on his phone and unfriended her on fb. All good so far? I said that it sounded like 'unfriending' was probably the best option. No drama.

Except that, the last time I saw him, he was sitting next to me scrolling through down a list of names on fb that I assume was his friend list (his friends list is set to private) - and her name came up. Or at least I think it was her name.

I only know her first name. It's not unusual but it's not common either. So when I saw it, I did wonder, but didn't say anything. I'm not too proud to say that I did a bit of 'looking' when I got home and he had tagged her in posts during the time they would have been together but there has been no activity since they split up - he posts so rarely this I only went back about 25 posts!

So it appears to me that he told me he had unfriended her and deleted her contact details but hadn't actually done so. I want to speak to him about it but I don't know how to broach it. If it is her, then I will end it with him. Not because he is fb friends with his exgf, but because he will have lied to me about it after telling me that she would like to get back together with him.

But because his friends list is private, it will be obvious I have seen her name on his list over his shoulder and then turned into Columbo.

But I don't know what to say to him. I feel I need some guidance because, left to my own devices, I'll just be really blunt to the point where, if I am wrong, I'll have ruined it anyway.

But I don't think I am.

TL;DR - it appears that boyfriend is still friends with his ex gf despite telling me he'd unfriended her after she asked to rekindle the relationship whilst we were together. If this is the case, then he has lied to me. His friend list is private so I'd only know by 'snooping'. Lying is a dealbreaker. How to I bring it up?

user1471446186 if you block someone, it automatically defriends them.

I don't understand though, if you're his friend too can't you see his other friends? No, it's set to private.

He may have been honest and unfriended her and changed his mind and friended her again. Yes, I thought that. But then, I'm not sure that's any better given the reasons he 'unfriended'.

If this were me I’d have just said at the time you saw the friends list “oh is that X, are you still friends?” Yes, I'm kicking myself for not having done that now.

You're pissed off because he may have an ex as a Facebook friend? It might not be her anyway so you don't know if he lied. If he did it may be because you're a drama queen? But he might not have and if you ask him you'll look ridiculous.

yeah, that's right...

Or you could try reading the thread before commenting...

How to bring up the conversation.. be prepared. You could say you feel a bit awkward bringing it up, but noticed the exgf name when he wss scrolling through and wondered if he'd changed his mind being friends on fb, given she had persued him recently?

You can check if they're friends, by clicking on her profile and looking at mutual friends

Can you look at her profile and see if her friends list is set to private?

LemonTT I don't know why he told me either. He said it was because he wanted to be open and honest but I didn't think it was necessary to tell me either.

I agree with everything you said. Except for the snooping. Scrolling through someone's fb page doesn't constitute snooping. If it did, then we'd all be in trouble!

I might just ask him if he ever did.

What was the situation where he said these things?

Hard to say. Sometimes it's just been spontaneous. Things like, "You look beautiful. To me, you're beautiful" or telling me he 'loves' body parts that are objectively my worst features. I hate being so disingenuous and I've ignored it largely in case it was just me being 'sensitive' but I feel there's a subtext of,

I bet she's self conscious about the size of her arse. I would be. It's not very attractive. I should probably try and make her feel better about it "I love your bum".

That kind of thing...

OP you seem to be getting a hard time. I am taking you at your word that you are annoyed about his apparent lying. Whilst I wouldn’t be annoyed at this, this is a boundary you have set and whether it is correct or not is a different discussion

If you decide to ask him about this, you need to not assume the contact is the ex. Bring up the conversation about her contacting him and ask if he ever defriended her. See what he says. Then mention you saw that name on the list. Again see what he says. If he confirms that it is, then ask him to explain the contradiction. That’s it. Use the information to make your decision

But I will again say I wouldn’t be that bothered about this. It was up to him to delete her or not, even after he discussed it with you. Your relationship at that time was not long enough or committed enough to expect him to defer to you on the matter if he changed his mind.

What she looks like is not even vaguely relevant. There are many many forms of attractiveness. We only get one form and need to be happy with that.

Can you look at her profile and see if her friends list is set to private?

I've just looked. It is.

You've already made up your mind that the relationship is on a knifes edge, so you might just as well confront him and ask to look at his friends list and prove to you he wasn't lying. If he wasn't you need to seriously look at your own insecurity issues.

The body issue thing is a bit of a red herring as many men have different tastes in women and actually can see the personality behind the body shape

OP, I'm totally with you on this. I think the FB potential-lie thing has thrown up suspicions you have always had about the things he is saying, and you are now wondering if he is who he claims to be - it goes beyond just 'an ex is a friend on FB'.

Only you can gauge whether this is gut instinct or paranoia, but this sort of thing so early doors might be indicating either that he is not what he seems to be, or you are not yet ready for a relationship following your previous experience. Whichever, it sounds like your best approach is to be completely honest about what you saw, and ask him outright. His response will tell you lots. Be alert for fleeting expressions of humour or contempt - 'duping delight'. It's what liars do.

But try to go into the conversation knowing that even the end of this relationship isn't going to be the worst thing that could happen - whichever scenario it is.

LemonTT it is purely the issue of lying. His ex wife is also his fb friend and I have no issue with that.

My exh lied about everything - big and small - to the types of holidays he wanted; which tea bags he preferred; going through redundancy. I have a zero tolerance on deceit. It was so destabilising and meant that the whole of my marriage and our life together was a sham. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy. After seeing his own parents' dysfunctional marriage, he thought that as long as he could make me happy, we'd have a good marriage. But it enabled/forced my husband to have a parallel life within our own home/marriage that I knew nothing about and was stressful for him to maintain and that's no way to live.

He didn't really get it, until we'd split up and he'd been through therapy, that all I'd ever wanted to hear was the truth.

Again, I agree that it was his choice to delete her or not. I would never have asked him to. It's the fact that he told me he had but now it appears that he hadn't after all. And again, I also agree that he wouldn't need to defer to me on any part of the decision but by telling me he stated something about himself and his actions that might have turned out not to be true. Why?

If he said he hadn't unfriended her because it would make things awkward if he bumped into her, then that's fine.

But for me, once someone is prepared to lie about something insignificant and unimportant, they are not going to have any issue misleading about more important stuff.

And once you've discovered someone is prepared to lie, how do you know what is the truth and what is not?

Birdonawire1 I've had previous experience of dating someone when I did not fit their usual 'spec'. It didn't go/end well.

ChristmasFluff Since we started seeing each other, he's been away for the weekend, parties and days out without me. I've not been bothered in the slightest. But if he's lied to me, all that would change. I told him when we first met that I would take him at face value and trust him but that, if he ever gave me cause to doubt him or that trust, it would be game over.

But try to go into the conversation knowing that even the end of this relationship isn't going to be the worst thing that could happen - whichever scenario it is

Oh, I already know that. But thanks.

And thanks for the helpful suggestions as to how I can approach it. Far less bull in a china shop than the approach I'd have gone with if left to my own devices!

Say you saw her name over his shoulder and it's been bothering you so after some thought you're bringing it up now.

I think it's weird when friends on FB have private settings so you can't see their other friends but...

I think you're going to sabotage this relationship anyway. It sounds like you're projecting your past and insecurities into it.

Who suggested he unfriend her? I think it was up to him to decide what to do and I'd find it odd he felt the need to mention it to you anyway, even about her asking him to try again. Is that even true? Either way I think you sound fixated on his past and can't live in your present which means you're not ready for a relationship. It doesn't sound like you'll ever trust him anyway?

Who suggested he unfriend her?

No one suggested it. He told me he'd done it. He told me he wanted to be open and honest so told me she'd been in touch to ask about trying again; told me his reply and that he'd deleted all contact with her and unfriended her in response. I didn't really know what to say. I thought at the time it was unnecessary to tell me but thought he was probably just trying to show me that he is loyal and trustworthy as it was early days. I wouldn't have asked him to unfriend her but I just said that unfriending had probably been the best thing if he felt it was appropriate in the circumstances and that was it. I didn't say anything else.

Until this, I haven't had any reason to mistrust him.

I don't have an issue with him having an ex as a fb friend. He lives 5 minutes from her house. I'm not bothered about that either. But I am bothered if I've been lied to.

I'm not fixated on his past. I'm concerned about being lied to in the present and potentially wasting the future.

His comments about your body sound off.

I told him when we first met that I would take him at face value and trust him but that, if he ever gave me cause to doubt him or that trust, it would be game over.

But you know this has set the tone for the whole relationship...the way you set that out. He's probably been treading carefully trying not to put a foot out of line. It sounds like you're waiting, expecting him to trip up and let you down. And voila here you are...5 months in!

It's wholly based on your previous relationship experience which I think you're bringing into your present one. I can't see your relationship lasting without any anguish and I'm not convinced it'll all be down to him, sorry.

It is entirely up to you to feel the way you do about lying. But you need to absolutely establish that he has lied. He could have an explanation. Just ask him to explain.

There isn’t any other advice we can give you. Other than to say you don’t need to justify your position to random strangers on the internet. If you think this apparent lie is not something you can live with, that’s it. Just confirm it is a lie by asking him to explain.

Life’s too short to be debating your boundaries with us. You are wasting emotional energy. You have got answers and you have made up your mind.

He's only ever complimentary about my body.

Except that he doesn't compliment the things about me that might objectively be considered attractive. He has occasionally said I'm 'pretty'. But he 'loves' my slightly pouchy belly and my oversized bum... These are not physical features he typically finds attractive. He isn't generally attracted to 'curvy' women so they are not something he'd naturally be drawn to.

Because I'm not naturally suspicious or mistrustful, I'd just taken him at his word and thought maybe he was enjoying the new experience of a different type of body - or something, I don't know! I imagine I feel very different to the slim, toned, gym bunnies he usually goes for!

But I think he's anticipated a body confidence issue in me where one doesn't really exist.

Which is what makes me think he is trying to convince both of us. Ugh, it's all just such hard work.

Other than these two things - the potential lie about his exgf and also, I suppose, potentially not being truthful about how physically attractive he finds me, he is perfect for me. His lifestyle; social attitude; politicial leanings; hobbies; interests... all of it are completely compatible. He is someone I could imagine a future with.

Of course, it could be as simple as, I know his exwife is constantly dieting and is very focused on health and weight and he used to find it quite difficult and restrictive. His exgf may have been similar. In which case, my love of beer, food and stretchy wrap dresses might have a certain appeal... he might also anticipate body issues in me if he experienced them with his exes and assume I must have them given that I'm not slim/toned like them...

And he might have just intended to unfriend his ex but then decided that seemed rather dramatic and decided to just ignore her on there instead. Afterall, we've all got friends like that!

So I have to speak to him.

Yes that's true, Lemon.

Thank you

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP - it isn’t the fact (or not) of him being friends with her. It’s the fact he’ll tell inconsequential lies, leaving you to think if he can lie about that, what else can he lie about?

The only thing to do IMO is talk to him about it. I’ve had a similar situation and couldn’t just forget what I’d seen.

It’s the fact he’ll tell inconsequential lies, leaving you to think if he can lie about that, what else can he lie about?

It's exactly that.

But you don't know if he has lied. It is possible that he's friends with someone of the same name.

Just talk to him. Simply say that you accidentally noticed his ex-girlfriends name in his friends list... is he still in touch with her? Done. And then you know. And then you can decide what to do next

And in the kindest possible way, you are sabotaging this relationship with the body issue stuff. Just because he's been out with what YOU perceive to be more attractive women doesn't mean he's lying when he compliments you. Your rationale that he's saying stuff he thinks you might want to hear because you've got a big bum and it might bother you... is quite frankly bonkers!

Honesty is a huge issue for me so I'm your situation I think I'd feel the same as you and I'd have to ask. The fact that he said he'd unfriended her and now appears to be tagging her seems a bit odd in my opinion.
Fb is a public platform, if he is tagging her you are going to see it so not unreasonable to ask and if he doesn't like it I'd say that gives you your answer.