I'm not too sure where to start with this one, really! I have posted before but I have NC to stay anonymous.
I have been in a turbulent on/off relationship for over 4 years. I love him very much, he clearly doesn't feel the same way anymore but I have massively struggled with letting go and moving on. He left me in a traumatic way a while ago, we sold our house and had no contact for a short while. However, we began talking again and ever since we have had sparodic contact and meet ups (I am purposefully being vague with the dates) I have tried no contact, going on dates with other people, filling my life to the brim with other things, but nothing stops me from saying "how high" when he tells me to jump. I am completely in love with him and I have turned into someone I dont recognise. I dont want to go into too much detail, but I will say - he is awful. (Think emotional abuse et al)
Now, to my current issue. A few months ago I stupidly slept with him. Due to a contraception failure I recently found out I was pregnant, almost 2 months. His initial reaction to this was to say, "when's the abortion?" He then changed his mind 4 times, going from one extreme to the other. As my logical brain knows I cant rely on him I decided to have a termination. I kept him updated throughout and the day before the termination he changed his mind and begged me to keep the baby. I went through with the abortion, not because I wouldn't have loved the baby, or even that I didnt want the baby, purely because I couldn't bring something into this world to be let down continuously by my ex and I didnt think it was fair to bring the baby into an already broken up relationship and a toxic situation.
I am a couple of days into the termination, I am still passing clots/bleeding (thankfully it is slowing down) but it has been a rubbish time and I decided to keep the situation private from family and friends.
My ex has treated me like shit, he has ignored me for days and then when he finally messaged he said this is because I didnt ask him how he is enough. He said I should be grateful he didnt go AWOL when he found out I was pregnant. Despite being told not to drive I had to drive myself home from the clinic because he didnt even offer to pick me up. He has done nothing in terms of emotional support but he has somehow turned it around so it's all my fault, as usual.
I am absolutely broken and exhausted with this whole thing. I apologise for the ramble, I think I am asking for advice/tips on how I can even begin to move on. I dont know how I can love someone so much when they do not deserve it. I am a good person and deep down I know I have never deserved this but I really don't know where to go from here. I cant imagine a life without him in it.
I dont know what I'm after, stories from people who have been through similar and got out the other side? I am struggling to see a way out, he has told me he wants nothing to do with me, I should be jumping for joy, instead I'm heartbroken.
Sorry for the length!