Where do I even begin?! (Includes termination)

[ThisIsTheFirstDay]

I'm not too sure where to start with this one, really! I have posted before but I have NC to stay anonymous.

I have been in a turbulent on/off relationship for over 4 years. I love him very much, he clearly doesn't feel the same way anymore but I have massively struggled with letting go and moving on. He left me in a traumatic way a while ago, we sold our house and had no contact for a short while. However, we began talking again and ever since we have had sparodic contact and meet ups (I am purposefully being vague with the dates) I have tried no contact, going on dates with other people, filling my life to the brim with other things, but nothing stops me from saying "how high" when he tells me to jump. I am completely in love with him and I have turned into someone I dont recognise. I dont want to go into too much detail, but I will say - he is awful. (Think emotional abuse et al)

Now, to my current issue. A few months ago I stupidly slept with him. Due to a contraception failure I recently found out I was pregnant, almost 2 months. His initial reaction to this was to say, "when's the abortion?" He then changed his mind 4 times, going from one extreme to the other. As my logical brain knows I cant rely on him I decided to have a termination. I kept him updated throughout and the day before the termination he changed his mind and begged me to keep the baby. I went through with the abortion, not because I wouldn't have loved the baby, or even that I didnt want the baby, purely because I couldn't bring something into this world to be let down continuously by my ex and I didnt think it was fair to bring the baby into an already broken up relationship and a toxic situation.

I am a couple of days into the termination, I am still passing clots/bleeding (thankfully it is slowing down) but it has been a rubbish time and I decided to keep the situation private from family and friends.

My ex has treated me like shit, he has ignored me for days and then when he finally messaged he said this is because I didnt ask him how he is enough. He said I should be grateful he didnt go AWOL when he found out I was pregnant. Despite being told not to drive I had to drive myself home from the clinic because he didnt even offer to pick me up. He has done nothing in terms of emotional support but he has somehow turned it around so it's all my fault, as usual.

I am absolutely broken and exhausted with this whole thing. I apologise for the ramble, I think I am asking for advice/tips on how I can even begin to move on. I dont know how I can love someone so much when they do not deserve it. I am a good person and deep down I know I have never deserved this but I really don't know where to go from here. I cant imagine a life without him in it.

I dont know what I'm after, stories from people who have been through similar and got out the other side? I am struggling to see a way out, he has told me he wants nothing to do with me, I should be jumping for joy, instead I'm heartbroken.

Sorry for the length!

Thanks everyone.

I know his number off by heart, I did get a new phone and change my number but a few weeks after I messaged him, stupidly! There is nothing I can physically do to stop myself from contacting him, it has to be me being strong enough! I need to block him, I do feel ready now, for the first time in a long, long time.

Thank you for all of your advice, I will take it all on board.

Lau, I have private messaged you, I hope that's okay.

Other poster, sorry, I've forgot your username, I will message you privately about the termination, I dont want to share too much publically!

I have been selfless for too long, I dont deserve this.

Good stuff, op.

Remember you deserve better. It's really yourself you need to convince of that.

I have been selfless for too long, I dont deserve this.

Please please hold on to this when you're feeling like contacting him. It's 100% true and even if it's all overwhelming at the moment, you acknowledging this truth is brilliant.

A friend asked me when I was in a particularly toxic relationship "assuming he doesn't change, would you want to be with him in a year? Five years? Ten years? The rest of your life?"

Please don't give up your future for someone who doesn't care enough about you to make you happy.

Every abusive man I've ever known has said to me "you're too good for me" as if it was an excuse. It means nothing. It should be "we are so good for each other".

You sound lovely and so kind - it's worth waiting for someone who can't believe their luck they found you, and who you feel the same about. I haven't found that person yet either but I know it's right for me to wait for them!

Dear OP,

the first place to start is to stop telling yourself that you love him - you don't. Love can let go when it is the best thing to do.

You are addicted to him. Think about it - you know he is bad for you, but you cannot resist and cannot break free even when you want to. When you reach out and he contacts you, it eases the pain temporarily - but then you end up being hurt. And you crave him. These are all signs of addiction. NOT love.

These articles explain more - and how to begin getting over it:
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-it-means-to-be-addicted-to-a-narcissist-and-how-to-break-free-from-it/

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

Thank you again, I will gladly look at those links - a very good friend tells me she sees a lot of narcissistic tendencies in him!

The support has been great, I cant thank you all enough.

In a way, I'm excited to put myself first and get to know me again. I've lost myself massively and although I appear happy on the outside (my manager says I am a ray of sunshine!) inside I cant wait to be genuinely and truly happy. I think the main thing is keeping myself busy so I've made lots of plans with my family over the weekend. I am busy every evening next week except from Tuesday so I will plan something then and stay distracted.

Well, I have blocked him. He told me he no longer loves me and I blocked him.

This is the first day of my life...!

well done you...be strong..big hugs x x

Well done!!! That's brilliant and such a huge step forwards.

Just a thought - I also looked up exes behaviour and personality disorders etc after a break up.

My counselling steered me (I think correctly) to think about why I had accepted his behaviour rather than focusing on why he behaved that way.

It helps you focus on taking control of your future and try not to let it happen again rather than getting stuck in the obsessive cycle of why he didn't behave how you wanted.

Just in case that helps x

I went through with the abortion, not because I wouldn't have loved the baby, or even that I didnt want the baby, purely because I couldn't bring something into this world to be let down continuously by my ex and I didnt think it was fair to bring the baby into an already broken up relationship and a toxic situation

This takes real guts and strength to do, to come to the decision initially and then to get yourself through it. Keep reminding yourself that you know^ you have the strength to cut him out. Block him on everything, you know you deserve better. This man will destroy you.

Traumatic bonding

The hopium pipe

its all very addictive. Go cold turkey NO CONTACT. Its the only way.

Block him on all levels. Go through the withdrawal of yearning for his contact, and you will get out the other side.

The funny thing is, if he needed me I'd drop everything to be by his side

Yes and he knows this, he's in total control. When you cut him out he'll get a shock and probably start telling you everything you've ever wanted to hear from him, don't fall for it, it won't last.

It's been 2 hours of no contact and I'm struggling....

When will this get easier?!

Yes, of course it gets easier. You need to distract yourself with something and accept that it's going to hurt and be difficult for a while.

I'm going out shortly to distract myself.

We havent even been in a relationship for 1 year now but this still hurts just as much as the first time. It really is total agony, I'm exhausted from it all.

How many weeks/months until I feel vaguely human?!

@ThisIsTheFirstDay

Oh love, I promise it will even though it doesn't feel like it right now - two hours will become four then eight then a whole day then a week and then a month and at some point after contact is broken you'll have a whole new life, one you deserve and enjoy!

I wish so much I could fast forward you to that point but there's no way around it the painful bit will be worth it though and you'll feel so proud of yourself, promise!

I used to pick a series I loved, get really comfy and count in episodes, kind of challenging myself to make it through another episode without getting in touch with my ex.

Maybe you could try something similar these first few days - it distracts you and divides your time into manageable chunks so it doesn't feel as huge a challenge to face.

Thank you curly, so much. I hate moping around, I usually am a very happy, bright person! It feels like the light has been switched off in my life. Times previously when I've done no contact it feels like I'm just counting down the hours until I can sleep and I find that so sad.

A new series is a good shout, any recommendations?

I think I still feel a bit rubbish about the termination, still bleeding and probably still have hormones floating around. Its still quite raw. The whole thing regarding that knocked me for six. I thought he could have helped me through it, at least 2 or 3 weeks down the line. Clearly not!

I love the Umbrella Academy.

I was in an abusive relationship with my sbeh in in my early to mid 20s. We had a child together.

I read that when the times are good, the chemicals in your brain are going crazy (trauma bonding) which is why women get so addicted to staying in abusive relationships.

I now have a lovely boyfriend who is nothing like my ex. Do I love him with the same intensity as my ex? No, but our relationship runs smoothly and is 'normal'

It is difficult but stay away. As you realise, these relationships never last and by having a termination you cut yourself from this man indefinitely.

Give yourself time to heal. There no need to rush into a new relationship.

Do you have Netflix?

Santa Clarita Diet is brilliant - it's dark and funny and just silly enough not to be too real.

If you're a fan of Friends that's all on there now.

Alan Partridge also!

And if it's your thing, Great British Bake Off back catalogue is on there too - I wasn't even a fan but had it on blanket during on a break up because it contains no smug couples / relationship drama to make me get sadder!

What kind of shows do you get lost in and watch for hours? Let us know and I'm sure we can give you some tailored suggestions - just think, even reading through replies on here and writing back is taking up little chunks of time.

You're doing really well, I have a feeling you are going to be another poster MN rallies around and pushes on to their bright shiny lovely future!!

I do have Netflix. I like Dexter, The Following, Peaky Blinders, I cant even remember what else! I struggle to concentrate at the minute. Today it took me 6 hours to watch a 1 hour programme!

GBBO is a good call actually, a bit mindless and you can dip in and out. And as you said, no reminders!

It sure feels that way I'm very lucky.

Ukgift, you're right. I think the lows are so low that any high seems amazing in comparison!

Dexter is a great shout - enough dark humour that it's not too saccharine like some stuff! I'm here if you feel tempted to message him and want a head wobble later :)

Thank you, I'll be taking you up on that offer later!

Had a pretty shitty dream, I was pregnant due to give birth any moment, in pain etc. I was texting him to tell him, trying desperately to get hold of him so he could come and support me/look after me. He had disappeared. That would have been the reality ):

I'm out for a lovely meal, all dressed up. Just feel so bloody shite and empty. Trying to stay distracted.

I miss him so so much.

How are you doing today @ThisIsTheFirstDay - hope a little better x