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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marital Rape ... advice please

96 replies

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 22:32

This is so hard to type but I could really do with some outside advice...myself and DH were about to leave to collect our DS from school. We had 5 minutes to get there. As we were leaving he made it clear he wanted a 'quickie' before we left. At first I was laughing but I was still saying no, no, get off, get off, we haven't got time we have to go .... I even opened the front door which was right next to us and he shut it. then he's pulled my tights down pushed me over the sofa with one arm ...... I was still at this point saying no, get off me now I'm not joking I don't want to!!

My legs hurt because I was squashed against the side of the sofa edge and I had nothing to hold onto plus I really needed a wee so I really was uncomfortable but he continued to then have sex with me even though I was saying no and he was so strong I'd said no over 10 times as adamant as I could and was trying to get from underneath him...For a split second I thought oh just let him do it it's practically done now but something inside me just thought no! so I literally had to scream NO at the top of my lungs and hit him with a pillow for him to stop and realise I wasn't letting this happen!

My throat actually hurt after I had to scream it that loud ...

He acted shocked but I explained I should never ever have to say no that many times!

He can see that it's quite obviously upset me but not a word was said. We left to pick up DS in silence. He even made a smart remark in the car on the way back saying oh no don't touch Mummy, your not allowed to touch her or else.

After all of that I even calmed down made HIM a cup of tea and asked him could he not see how he needs to apologise to me... and his response was no. Apparently I always say I don't want Sex so what's the difference and just shrugged at me. No sorry I thought we were messing around no sorry if I hurt you. Nothing..... Is this rape?.. it's hard to think that your own husband can do such a thing but I genuinely don't feel it was right. We have been having problems for over a year and this could be the final straw as I have my son to consider. I feel I'm making excuses for it in my head and I just don't know what's right or wrong. It's also the lack of empathy afterwards I can't believe

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/05/2019 12:12

o the idiot that doesnt believe my post. you just made my heart sink to my stomach.

Ignore the idiot OP. Your mum believes you and everyone else on here believes you too. No shadow of a doubt in my mind from your OP it as rape.

Be strong and look after yourself. It's taken you tremendous courage to open up on here and with your mother especially. Keep up that courage and never let anyone make you doubt yourself.

Fannybaws52 · 09/05/2019 12:21

OP - I know you probably want to just put this behind you and try to forget it but please go to your GP and tell them you were raped. You need to have some sort of record of this happening even if you choose to not report to Police.

When you split, you will have to share custody with this beast. A Rapist is not fit to be a Dad. Having a record of this assault on you will hopefully lay some groundwork for you getting supervised visitation so that you are the main person raising your DS and the main person who influences him in life.

Your Rapist shouldn't get to teach his disgusting views on how to treat woman to your DS but he will if you don't fight back now.

You don't have to go the legal route but please report to a GP and/or SS so that your poor boy doesn't grow up thinking his Dad's way is normal.

You are brave and you are strong. You DS should grow up learning that.

SRK16 · 09/05/2019 12:28

I’m so sorry this happened to you, and glad your mum is being supportive x

DreamingofSummer · 09/05/2019 12:29

I'm late to this thread but want to add a supporting voice to you.

Leave as soon as it's safe and practical. Your son will respect you and not have to live with a rapist.

PlinkPlink · 09/05/2019 12:52

Who the fuck ever says shit like that?! It takes a huge amount of courage to even speak about something like this.
Fucking awful. You should be fucking ashamed.

Fucks sake. Shit like that stops people from coming forward because they think they won't be believed. It's so fucked up.

OP, take your time. It takes such a long time to come to terms with something like this. The realisation that its happened. You'll probably feel a bit numb and a bit like an out of body experience is happening.

You must never ever blame yourself. You must never excuse his actions. You must never feel like you're making a fuss out of nothing. You have a right to say no, you have a right to speak out and you have a right to be heard too.

I do strongly suggest counselling when you feel ready. It will help to piece things together or help make a little sense out of a terrible ordeal.

Goldmandra · 09/05/2019 18:24

Having a record of this assault on you will hopefully lay some groundwork for you getting supervised visitation so that you are the main person raising your DS and the main person who influences him in life.

Unfortunately, this is unlikely to have any bearing at all on the contact arrangements a judge would order.

OP, hopefully the rape crisis team will come back to you very soon. They should offer you some counselling. Please accept it if you possibly can.

Jaimemai · 10/05/2019 14:11

I am so sorry. I send you so much love. That is rape

Jaimemai · 10/05/2019 14:18

That made me feel disgusted and cry a little. The bastard. I am so sorry that happened to you. Get somewhere safe. I have to tell you - if you brought that to court he would be charged with rape. There was a report in the news this week of a girlfriend successfully charging her boyfriend with rape. He got four years. If you do not want to go that route, please nake sure that you are somewhere safe. I send you love. I am just thinking of a boyfriend that I had who wasnt that blatant, but a few times would not take no for an answer until I gave in. One time my tummy was really sore, I think I had cysts on my ovaries, I told him my tummy was really sore and i didnt want sex, but he insisted and insisted until I gave in. I bled really badly all over the bed, he said "i am never making you have sex again". I am saying this in solidarity with you, thst i understand, and that boyfriends/ husbands can be cruel.

Sonicknuckles · 11/05/2019 10:56

Are you ok OP?

KTara · 11/05/2019 11:07

I believe you.

It is a very good idea to speak with rape crisis - I found them an absolute life-line and they helped me get my head straight about the entire controlling relationship.

I know you do not want to report it for your son’s sake, but you need some kind of record from a third party for future reference. I am thinking, for example, if you do not wish to attend mediation around child arrangements. Unfortunately it does not matter much what men do, some kind of contact will be ordered for DC.

I know this is all far too much to take in just now. You can only take one step at a time. I know you want to protect your DC, but he is very little and the best way to protect him is making sure you are okay. So please do take all the steps you can to ensure that.

Breastfeedingworries · 12/05/2019 04:34

If you don’t believe someone whose said they’ve been raped, simply move on and don’t post. I think a blanket ban is required. The courage it takes someone to explain and say what’s happened to be accused of lying is disgusting. I think that’s why op hasn’t posted again.

We don’t have an update on her welfare because of some selfish unfeeling prick. I don’t just mean her rapist husband! Nasty keyboard warriors at home need to stay the fcuk away from threads like these.

rededucator · 12/05/2019 05:14

I've been there. Sending a massive hug to you x

rededucator · 12/05/2019 05:23

Glad your mum is there for you and I hope you can tell your friends over time because they'll be desperate to support you. It should have to be said but 'I believe you' x

rededucator · 12/05/2019 05:23

*shouldn't

BringMeAGinandTonic · 12/05/2019 05:54

Hope all is okay OP. and hugs.

Weenurse · 12/05/2019 06:38

💐 hugs

YouJustDoYou · 12/05/2019 06:42

Op, I'm shaking reading your post. It brings back horrible memories. I hope you're doing ok with your mum. Thinking of you x

bettybluebees · 12/05/2019 07:03

I believe you. I hope you are ok and safe with your mum

ItsalmostSummer · 12/05/2019 07:12

It sounds like you want to protect him OP but you don’t have to anymore. Look at how he has not protected you here. It’s time to speak up and let everyone see what he’s getting away with. It’s not your crime to hide or protect. It’s his time to face his actions and see this it’s not acceptable. Let go and tell the police please. You will be happier later on for this.

Timeistickingaway · 12/05/2019 07:16

I’m horrified reading this. Sending you hugs and support. What a deranged bastard he is

Happygolucky009 · 12/05/2019 07:24

So pleased you have support from your mum, please be strong and get away he has behaved dreadfully and then involving your son to minimise his actions; just deplorable! No good will come by staying.

I would have thought the freedom programme will help break you out of this dreadful situation. Speak to your GP as you deserve better

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