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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marital Rape ... advice please

96 replies

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 22:32

This is so hard to type but I could really do with some outside advice...myself and DH were about to leave to collect our DS from school. We had 5 minutes to get there. As we were leaving he made it clear he wanted a 'quickie' before we left. At first I was laughing but I was still saying no, no, get off, get off, we haven't got time we have to go .... I even opened the front door which was right next to us and he shut it. then he's pulled my tights down pushed me over the sofa with one arm ...... I was still at this point saying no, get off me now I'm not joking I don't want to!!

My legs hurt because I was squashed against the side of the sofa edge and I had nothing to hold onto plus I really needed a wee so I really was uncomfortable but he continued to then have sex with me even though I was saying no and he was so strong I'd said no over 10 times as adamant as I could and was trying to get from underneath him...For a split second I thought oh just let him do it it's practically done now but something inside me just thought no! so I literally had to scream NO at the top of my lungs and hit him with a pillow for him to stop and realise I wasn't letting this happen!

My throat actually hurt after I had to scream it that loud ...

He acted shocked but I explained I should never ever have to say no that many times!

He can see that it's quite obviously upset me but not a word was said. We left to pick up DS in silence. He even made a smart remark in the car on the way back saying oh no don't touch Mummy, your not allowed to touch her or else.

After all of that I even calmed down made HIM a cup of tea and asked him could he not see how he needs to apologise to me... and his response was no. Apparently I always say I don't want Sex so what's the difference and just shrugged at me. No sorry I thought we were messing around no sorry if I hurt you. Nothing..... Is this rape?.. it's hard to think that your own husband can do such a thing but I genuinely don't feel it was right. We have been having problems for over a year and this could be the final straw as I have my son to consider. I feel I'm making excuses for it in my head and I just don't know what's right or wrong. It's also the lack of empathy afterwards I can't believe

OP posts:
Thatsnotmyotter · 08/05/2019 22:34

Yes OP, that is rape. I’m really sorry.

Isthisit22 · 08/05/2019 22:36

That is awful Flowers
Yes you were raped. So sorry that you went through that. Please leave this man- he seems dangerous. He is not sorry at all and may do the same again

mineallmine · 08/05/2019 22:37

Sweet Jesus, that's horrific. You must be so shaken.

You know what you have to do. There's no going back after that.

MsVestibule · 08/05/2019 22:38

Yes, your husband raped you. From how you've described this, it couldn't have been clearer that you didn't want to have sex, but that didn't matter to him - he did want to, and that's all that mattered to him,

Would you consider going to the police to report it?

Checkthemeaning · 08/05/2019 22:38

You deserve more than to be treated like this - this was rape and he shouldn't be allowed to think he can get away with this.

Would you consider reporting him?

Sally2791 · 08/05/2019 22:38

That is awful. Of course it is rape you repeatedly said no and made it abundantly plain that you meant it

Breastfeedingworries · 08/05/2019 22:39

That is rape, I’m so sorry it happened to you. :(

It happened to my friend with her partner. She never wants sex and has been unhappy for a long time. She’d had a bit too much to drink and he forced himself on her, (luckily) she says she barely remembers much but straight after she was violently sick and slept downstairs shaking.

Please look after yourself, you did nothing wrong. Flowers

It’s a horrible thing to go through. Xxx

Original poster
Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 22:42

I think I knew the answer but I had to hear it from other people and when someone plays something down it makes you question yourself doesn't it like maybe because I was laughing at the start it's my fault ... but I definitely couldn't have been clearer. I can't report him I just can't for my Son's sake... but I can leave x

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 08/05/2019 22:42

Yes, it’s definitely rape. And the lack of empathy is why he was able to do it to you.

He’ll probably try to gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault.

That’s what my ex did. Repeatedly.

Mrsmummy90 · 08/05/2019 22:44

Laughing or not, it's in no way your fault. At all! You made it insanely clear that you didn't want to and he chose to ignore that for his own satisfaction.
Yes, you were raped and I am so so sorry.

If you don't want to report it, I understand but please do not stay with this dangerous man.

If in the future you feel you want to report it, remember that you are well within your rights. You have done nothing wrong and should not feel guilty to take it further!

Breastfeedingworries · 08/05/2019 22:46

Please leave him Flowers

It’s taking my friend so long to leave hers, she’s finally sorted out universal credit but I know how hard it is as they share a child. She won’t report him either.

MsVestibule · 08/05/2019 22:49

How easy will it be to leave him? Do you have a plan? I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

TokyoSushi · 08/05/2019 22:54

Oh OP, this is awful, please take steps to leave as soon as you can

Crustaceans · 08/05/2019 22:56

It’s good that you feel you can leave OP. I wish I’d been thinking as clearly the first time it happened to me.

I didn’t report it either. I just didn’t (and don’t) see how it could have a good outcome for me. I totally support women who do report it, but it would not have been helpful for me to do so.

Andoffwegoagain · 08/05/2019 22:59

I’m so sorry OP Flowers
Hope you have support. I would see in there is a charity that will give you counselling (maybe Rape crisis). Choosing not to report it doesn’t mean you have to pretend it didn’t happen.

Mummaofmytribe · 08/05/2019 23:00

That's rape. You poor thing. Tell someone IRL. He's not to be trusted any more to put it lightly. You need to get out. Awful

Original poster
Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 23:00

Since my son was born 2.5 years ago I've left him probably 4 times. He's never once asked for me back, I just end up going home for Son to be in his own bed etc. I've been with him 8 years he's never done anything like this before but the relationship is very rocky and I constantly question his lack of respect towards me. I have my mum's house I can go too... it will mean giving up our home as I can't afford it alone x

OP posts:
YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 08/05/2019 23:00

This is awful, I’m so sorry op Flowers I really don’t know what to say. Be kind to yourself.

Crustaceans · 08/05/2019 23:01

Rape crisis are really very helpful.

Ceebs85 · 08/05/2019 23:05

You've mentioned lack of respect, and that's what I came on to say. He must see you as a 'thing' rather than his partner/equal. I'm so angry some men seem to think they have this god given right.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Don't let him convince you it was nothing. You, and most definitely your son will be better off without him. Please seek some support.

Mrsmummy90 · 08/05/2019 23:05

Please don't go back to him this time. He's awful and you and your son deserve someone who will respect and protect you.

FireFighter999 · 08/05/2019 23:07

Oh OP i am so sorry, but yes, he raped you. And now he is trying to behave like it never happened by being arsy.

What are you wanting to do? Please please put yourself first. You can report him, what are you teaching your son if you do not?

MsVestibule · 08/05/2019 23:07

You've left him 4 times in 2 years, he's never really wanted you back and now he's raped you and doesn't care.

I'm glad you've finally seen that this marriage is over. Please let this be the last time you leave him - your son really doesn't care where he sleeps.

Mayalready · 08/05/2019 23:08

My exh raped me 2weeks pp. I took my wedding ring off and made plans to leave.
I confronted him teh next day and he denied any wrongdoing.
Take off yours op. It gave me back some control I felt.

NononoLimit · 08/05/2019 23:09

I'm so sorry OP Flowers From his reaction he clearly thinks it's fine and that worries me.

It's rape and he's already laughing it off, trying to include your DS in it. Personally, I'd not want that for my child. What lessons will he be teaching him in years to come? This man is not a role model, a rocky relationship is not an excuse.

Look after yourself, perhaps get the people who will support you to come to you if you do choose to leave.

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