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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marital Rape ... advice please

96 replies

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 22:32

This is so hard to type but I could really do with some outside advice...myself and DH were about to leave to collect our DS from school. We had 5 minutes to get there. As we were leaving he made it clear he wanted a 'quickie' before we left. At first I was laughing but I was still saying no, no, get off, get off, we haven't got time we have to go .... I even opened the front door which was right next to us and he shut it. then he's pulled my tights down pushed me over the sofa with one arm ...... I was still at this point saying no, get off me now I'm not joking I don't want to!!

My legs hurt because I was squashed against the side of the sofa edge and I had nothing to hold onto plus I really needed a wee so I really was uncomfortable but he continued to then have sex with me even though I was saying no and he was so strong I'd said no over 10 times as adamant as I could and was trying to get from underneath him...For a split second I thought oh just let him do it it's practically done now but something inside me just thought no! so I literally had to scream NO at the top of my lungs and hit him with a pillow for him to stop and realise I wasn't letting this happen!

My throat actually hurt after I had to scream it that loud ...

He acted shocked but I explained I should never ever have to say no that many times!

He can see that it's quite obviously upset me but not a word was said. We left to pick up DS in silence. He even made a smart remark in the car on the way back saying oh no don't touch Mummy, your not allowed to touch her or else.

After all of that I even calmed down made HIM a cup of tea and asked him could he not see how he needs to apologise to me... and his response was no. Apparently I always say I don't want Sex so what's the difference and just shrugged at me. No sorry I thought we were messing around no sorry if I hurt you. Nothing..... Is this rape?.. it's hard to think that your own husband can do such a thing but I genuinely don't feel it was right. We have been having problems for over a year and this could be the final straw as I have my son to consider. I feel I'm making excuses for it in my head and I just don't know what's right or wrong. It's also the lack of empathy afterwards I can't believe

OP posts:
Fudgenugget · 09/05/2019 09:15

Marital rape has been outlawed since the early 90s. Your husband has NO RIGHT to your body without your explicit consent. He is a bully, an abuser, and a manipulative arse.

You need to get out. Your son may learn these behaviours and the cycle repeats.

I concur with pp, get help, anyway you can, get away and do not return. Your safety and that of your DS trumps all.

Dvg · 09/05/2019 09:23

@NotMaryWhiteHouse

She is an inspiration, she went from feeling powerless and weak to leaving the bastard and bringing up her children on her own whilst also starting a business, she now earns much more than her XH and is constantly being begged by him to have him back which is pitiful, she just laughs at him now and she is also engaged to a really nice guy, hes so lovely for her.

XH used to tell her she was overweight and ugly which ruined her self esteem so after the relationship she lost all of her excess weight and started taking care of herself not for men but for herself ( she would say Saturday nights are date nights with myself and i'm going to get pampered) and she says how she feels grateful in a way to him as he gave her a wake up call that her life sucked.

onestepahead · 09/05/2019 09:31

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this OP. The situation you describe sounds horrific.

It will be difficult for a time but you can move forward from this damaging relationship and live the life that you are your son deserve.

Are you able to speak with your mum about what has happened?

SimplySteveRedux · 09/05/2019 09:59

You've mentioned lack of respect, and that's what I came on to say. He must see you as a 'thing' rather than his partner/equal. I'm so angry some men seem to think they have this god given right.

It's really prevalent too, I'd scarily suggest it's a majority of men who think this way, that women exist for our sexual pleasures, and to maintain the household, that a woman is not a human being with feelings, insecurities and vulnerabilities. Someone to provide "services". There's also a subset of men who see themselves financing the household/way of life and thus they have "paid" for any "services" they want, whenever they want them.

This attitude disgusts and horrifies me in equal measures. It's 2019 ffs and yet it feels the societal stereotypes and stuck in the fucking dark ages.

I'm so sorry OP. I understand you don't have the energy or desire to report, and that's totally fine, but perhaps in the future you may feel able to. I think the adage "once an abuser, always an abuser" crystallises the truth, and your abuser will undoubtedly, actively even, seek out more vulnerable women to exert his will and control on.

Again I am so, so sorry you've gone through this, thinking of you FlowersFlowersFlowers

Saffy101 · 09/05/2019 10:12

I am so sorry OP that you have gone through this, try looking at this page.

thoughtcatalog.com/lacey-ramburger/2016/12/if-he-doesnt-respect-you-he-doesnt-love-you/

Might help you be strong when you leave. But those words are so true...If he doesn't respect you, and HE doesn't, then he doesn't love you.

Leaving him is the correct action.

Good luck.

You are half way there, you have questioned it and can see what he has done and been doing to you is wrong.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/05/2019 10:18

This is appalling. There's no possible excuse for what he did. It was rape. No doubt about it.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. Flowers

I'd recommend you report it. It may be important in the future that there's a record of what he did to you.

Omzlas · 09/05/2019 10:20

OP I'm so sorry that this bastard put you through this. Please PLEASE consider going to A&E like a PP suggested. They can at least log what happened, if you ever need to refer back to this in future.

Please speak to someone IRL if you can, a friend or relative, even Rape Crisis, Women's Aid or Samaritans.

((((Hugs))))

AnyFucker · 09/05/2019 10:25

This has to be the line now. He feels entitled to fuck you even when it is clear you do not consent. There is no coming back from this.

The relationship already sounds bad. Leave and this time never go back. You cannot live with a rapist for the sake of your son...end it for his sake

bigbadbadger · 09/05/2019 10:27

I'm so sorry Op. You need to leave now. He has raped you. You must protect yourself. Flowers

WatcherintheRye · 09/05/2019 10:38

I'm so angry some men seem to think they have this god given right.

Absolutely, and no wonder these attitudes are still so prevalent, when you have High Court judges spouting bs like:

I cannot think of any more obviously fundamental human right than the right of a man to have sex with his wife

Mr Justice Hayden April 2019

PlinkPlink · 09/05/2019 11:01

Definitely rape OP. I'm so so sorry it happened. What a disgusting man.

Call Womens Aid. They will most likely give you some advice that will help and put you in touch with some specialist counselling, just in case you need it.

Call your mum and stay if you can.

Please, please, please dont stay with him or go back to him. This has so much more potential to get worse. He could ignore your scream next time. He could carry on. And he will keep doing so because you staying is his signal that it's okay to treat you like that.

Rape is about power and control. It's never about love. It's never about desire.

SinkGirl · 09/05/2019 11:05

And yet here’s a woman defending that judge’s comments
blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/04/what-the-critics-of-the-right-to-sex-judge-got-wrong/

I’m so sorry OP. I hope you’re okay. I can’t say I blame you for not reporting given the current state of rape prosecutions. The most important thing is to get yourself and your son away from him permanently. You may want to at least disclose what’s happened to your doctor, so you can access support and that there is a record of it should you need it later

QueenOfPain · 09/05/2019 11:07

I’m so sorry this happened. And you are right to leave.

I just came to say as a couple of people had mentioned going to A&E, that it probably isn’t the best place as A&E can’t examine you or collect evidence that may need to be used forensically. You can google and try to find your local SARC and go to them, the police don’t have to be involved, but the SARC can do a proper forensic examination and record details in a way that would be legally useful if ever needed.

Flobochin · 09/05/2019 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QueenOfPain · 09/05/2019 11:08

thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc/

SinkGirl · 09/05/2019 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Sonicknuckles · 09/05/2019 11:19

He heard you say no. He chose to rape you. I'm sorry

Original poster
Joycehelen · 09/05/2019 11:38

To the idiot that doesnt believe my post. you just made my heart sink to my stomach. Do you know how much courage it took to write this on here in full detail. Yes i needed a wee... but it was 1.25pm and i pick my DS up from pre school at 1.30pm (its two minutes drive away) so rather than be late i just thought ill go grab him and wee when im home. Hope thats a good enough explanation for you!! Oh and after he had forced himself into me i wet myself... so there you have all the details. Completely heartless of you to comment what you did

Update for all. I have told my mum and im sure you can imagine that she agrees with what you said. He hasnt spoken a word to me since and slept on the sofa last night. I have come to work and i have left a message with the Rape Crisis team. I wont be reporting it as i just cannot at this moment in time. I really appreciate all the comments as i really needed to hear them and i cant exactly tell my friends about this, maybe i will but not at the moment. Its really helped get perspective, thank you and i am putting things into place to end the marriage. x

OP posts:
magimedi · 09/05/2019 11:46

I believe you.

I'm afraid there are some really vile people in this world but try to ignore them.

You are being so brave & strong. I hope everything works out for you & your child.

Flowers
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/05/2019 11:54

In case you're ever inclined to doubt yourself (and being raped dents anyone's confidence) please believe that your description of what happened was entirely credible. It made my stomach lurch just reading it (have had a very similar experience) and my heart goes out to you.

People can be vile. But put it to yourself this way:

It's a question of mind over matter.
I don't mind
and they don't matter.

Fudgenugget · 09/05/2019 11:55

@Joycehelen It’s really good you have your Mum’s support. It might take you some time to report it but I really hope you do. If you do tell your friends, I am sure they will be nothing but supportive. Please find a place of safety for yourself and your DS. You are being extremely brave. Keep us updated. Flowers

Kittypillar · 09/05/2019 12:00

I'm so sorry OP, your post was a really sickening thing to read Sad what a horrible thing to happen to you.

So glad your mum is being supportive and I'd really consider reporting it when you feel able to. You and your son deserve much better than to live with that. Take care of yourself Flowers

TougheningUp · 09/05/2019 12:03

If you speak to the NDVC, then in cases where abuse or violence has happened I think they can arrange an emergency injunction to exlude him from your home for up to a year. But you have to do that within a few days of the attack, so you might need to get your skates on. It would mean he'd be out of the house, your son would be able to sleep in his own bed, and you'd have some respite while you sort out what to do next.

PicsInRed · 09/05/2019 12:03

Report to your doctor and ask to log it with the police (I.e. they will document but not take full statement - this is a real thing, I have done it myself).

This is important as, being the sort of man he is, it is highly likely you will need this for divorce and child arrangements. Don't make the mistake so many of us have made and keep it to yourself as this only makes it more difficult to be believed and escape/divorce later.

FookMeFookYou · 09/05/2019 12:09

Dirty bastard cunt

Yes it's rape, ltb because it WILL happen again.