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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marital Rape ... advice please

96 replies

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 22:32

This is so hard to type but I could really do with some outside advice...myself and DH were about to leave to collect our DS from school. We had 5 minutes to get there. As we were leaving he made it clear he wanted a 'quickie' before we left. At first I was laughing but I was still saying no, no, get off, get off, we haven't got time we have to go .... I even opened the front door which was right next to us and he shut it. then he's pulled my tights down pushed me over the sofa with one arm ...... I was still at this point saying no, get off me now I'm not joking I don't want to!!

My legs hurt because I was squashed against the side of the sofa edge and I had nothing to hold onto plus I really needed a wee so I really was uncomfortable but he continued to then have sex with me even though I was saying no and he was so strong I'd said no over 10 times as adamant as I could and was trying to get from underneath him...For a split second I thought oh just let him do it it's practically done now but something inside me just thought no! so I literally had to scream NO at the top of my lungs and hit him with a pillow for him to stop and realise I wasn't letting this happen!

My throat actually hurt after I had to scream it that loud ...

He acted shocked but I explained I should never ever have to say no that many times!

He can see that it's quite obviously upset me but not a word was said. We left to pick up DS in silence. He even made a smart remark in the car on the way back saying oh no don't touch Mummy, your not allowed to touch her or else.

After all of that I even calmed down made HIM a cup of tea and asked him could he not see how he needs to apologise to me... and his response was no. Apparently I always say I don't want Sex so what's the difference and just shrugged at me. No sorry I thought we were messing around no sorry if I hurt you. Nothing..... Is this rape?.. it's hard to think that your own husband can do such a thing but I genuinely don't feel it was right. We have been having problems for over a year and this could be the final straw as I have my son to consider. I feel I'm making excuses for it in my head and I just don't know what's right or wrong. It's also the lack of empathy afterwards I can't believe

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 08/05/2019 23:11

You poor thing you deserve so much better.

Yes you were raped, that story is horrific no decent man would ever think about doing that to the woman he loved.

Please leave and never go back, he will only go it again.

FireFighter999 · 08/05/2019 23:13

Oh i feel sick for you OP. I hope he did not rape you in front of your 2 year old. Please go to your mums, we are here for you as well.

Original poster

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 23:15

I think sometimes your disrespected for so long you forget whats acceptable and what isn't... not this obviously I'm fully aware this is not in anyway acceptable... it's a massive head fuck and I feel physically sick thinking of how hard next few months will be but I can do it for my son because if not this what will be the final straw. I came across rape crisis today online I might call them tomorrow. Thank you everyone .... like I said something you just need that outside opinion

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 08/05/2019 23:16

I’m so sorry OP. I know you say that you can’t report him because of your son, but this is a man who went on to make jokes to your little boy about the fact that he raped you. This is a man that will have contact with your child and try to influence his attitude to women. I can completely understand why you feel that you can’t report him, but I also hope that you do find the strength. You and your child deserve to be protected from this nasty piece of shit.

FireFighter999 · 08/05/2019 23:18

You have to do it for yourself OP. Go take your kids to your Mums, tell her what happened and give yourself time to breathe. What an awful man.

Crustaceans · 08/05/2019 23:25

If you need help to leave, women’s aid can help.

Original poster

Joycehelen · 08/05/2019 23:29

I have a supportive family I'm lucky with that part. It's just so hard as a part of me still is thinking what if he honestly thought we were just messing about. But I don't want to be that woman that just makes excuses for a shitty person all the time and he's had enough time to apologise if he did. If I leave him he literally has nobody he has no parents, no family members he's close too or friends as he moved cities for me. I know that's not my problem but because I'm a nice person I do think of these things and it just all makes it harder

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 08/05/2019 23:35

Please leave op. You don't deserve this pathetic excuse of a 'man'.
Are you injured? If so please see a Dr.
Does anyone know if there is a centre op can go to to get it logged so if she ever changes her mind about reporting it, she could do?
Hope you get to your mum's soon.

Dvg · 08/05/2019 23:39

My friend was raped by her husband.. said that she was crying out for her mum and everything and he still said that it wasn't rape because she's his wife and they hadn't don't it in a while due to her being ill.

I think everyone here can say that it was rape. All it needs is 1 no and it's rape, he can beg and plead for the quickie all he wants but to physically hold you over the sofa to get his way is rape 100%.

FireFighter999 · 08/05/2019 23:40

OP, would you feel comfortable going to A&E and disclosing this to them? That way it will be logged in case in the future you chose to report him, but the staff will support you and it will remain confidential.

Goldmandra · 08/05/2019 23:41

a part of me still is thinking what if he honestly thought we were just messing about.

It isn't about whether he thought you really meant no. It was his responsibility to do nothing unless he was sure you were saying yes.

DogHairEverywhere · 08/05/2019 23:45

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/05/2019 23:47

I agree with firefighters suggestion. Get yourself to A&E to be checked out and they will log it. I'm sure you're in shock right now you may feel differently about reporting it to the police later and at least it will have been logged.

Skittlesandbeer · 08/05/2019 23:47

I just can’t see a scenario when a long-time partner ‘misinterprets’ you screaming ‘no, I don’t want this’ over and over and truly believes it’s a mutual ‘messing about’.

He knew what he was doing, and cared as much for your feelings as he did about the sofa’s.

It’s a shame he has no mother you can tell what happened to. In fact his lack of other relationships is another reason to leave him once and for all, not a reason to stay. He’s unhinged, and has no one in his life to pull or even nudge him into line. Or show him what love looks like. He sounds very damaged, and I’d want to get my son far away from him before he inflicts any more damage on either of you.

Surround yourself with help (personal & professional) and move towards a new life. Good luck to you.

BlackPrism · 09/05/2019 01:41

That's not just coercive rape that's full on rape. Ask if he would have done that with a ONS and see what he says. He needs to leave because he's a rapist.

Dualmum · 09/05/2019 02:04

I've been through something similar and just reading that brought a huge lump into my throat and started to tear up. I said no to my ex husband but was overpowered and in the end just gave up and laid there till he was done. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm not with my ex husband anymore because of his behaviour. You should really ask yourself whether you can be with someone like this who thinks what you went through is not his fault and your behaviour is to blame for how he's made you feel.

Booksareforkids19 · 09/05/2019 02:47

I strongly believe that in a healthy relationship, pushing for sex or teasingly saying ‘no’ is fun and a turn on.
But, in your case, a no is a firm no and there might be other issues in the relationship. That is considered rape. No excuse.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/05/2019 03:04

Please go to a and e .
And then the police

And leave him.this will never inprove

Waylay44 · 09/05/2019 04:27

I'm so sorry, OP. This is awful, and yes, he definitely raped you. It's so hard to accept that someone so close to you could do this, even if things have been rocky. His lack of empathy rings massive alarm bells - he sounds seriously dangerous!

I'm so glad you're already working on leaving. It took me a year, and I only realised that I had to when he was finally physically violent. Emotional, verbal and (coercive, in my case) sexual abuse can be so subtle, and you're right, you get used to being disrespected, and they slowly grind your self-esteem down until you don't think you deserve better.

I got 6 months of free counseling through Rape Crisis, and they were incredibly supportive when I called.

Please be careful. Solidarity!

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2019 05:18

I hope you've managed to have some sleep op
Call rape crisis today. It's totally up to you if you don't feel up to reporting this to the police but you need to leave him. Can you go to your Mum's house today?

NotMaryWhitehouse · 09/05/2019 08:19

@Dvg your friend's story just brought tears to my eyes- I really hope she's ok now.

@Joycehelen I hope you're doing ok too, you absolutely have the strength to get away from him, he's a fucking monster.

NeatFreakMama · 09/05/2019 08:25

I’m so sorry OP. If you go to a rape crisis centre they can provide a specialist rape counselor so you can get it clear in your head if you’d like to.

MyCatHogsTheBed · 09/05/2019 08:28

I'm so sorry my lovely. There is no doubt that was rape. It's illegal to force sex with your partner, including within a marriage. Please do get help and support and stay broken up with him.

SinkGirl · 09/05/2019 08:34

OP, I am so sorry - this has brought me to tears in tesco car park.

I have been raped by partners and it has never been this blatant - I’ve tried to say no, or I’ve frozen, but I’ve never been able to be as explicit as you were here. There is no fucking excuse for what he’s done here. You need to leave.

Thatnovembernight · 09/05/2019 09:08

Just wanted to add another voice confirming that this was rape. His attitude towards you is disgusting. I am so sorry. It sounds like you’ve resolved to leave him which I think is 100% for the best. I doubt you’d want to live in that house now anyway. Now you have the chance to go on and make a lovely home for you and your little boys where you feel safe and happy.
I still find this short clip very powerful:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

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