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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
calamariqueen · 14/05/2019 15:38

Jamais I have been following all of your threads. The latest updates have been playing greatly on my mind. Just to let you know that I'm sending you strength, love and good wishes to you & your DC. Hopefully DH has turned up and has just had the last sulk you will pay attention to.

federationrep · 14/05/2019 16:58

Delurking to say whatever happens is on him. I have followed your threads and admired your strength and dignity. May it carry you through whatever is going on.

Haffdonga · 14/05/2019 17:14

Keep strong Jamais . This is his choice whatever it is. Flowers

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 14/05/2019 17:58

Thinkng of you, Jamais Hope all is OK xxx

Lunde · 14/05/2019 18:45

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

Hope you are OK Jamais. Take care of yourself and the children xxx

Nix32 · 14/05/2019 19:10

Just wanted to send you a hand hold. Hope you're ok xx

MoviesT · 14/05/2019 19:22

Also delurking, I’ve been reading from the start and silently cheering you on Jamais. Sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong.

cstaff · 14/05/2019 19:34

Oh Jamais. I saw an update there and was really hoping it was you with good news. Look after yourself and your kids. I really hope everything works out for you Flowers.

winecigsandchoc · 14/05/2019 20:17

No matter what he has or hasn't done none of this was your fault. None of this. Many other people could go through the exact same thing and not react how he (may) have. Please please take it from me, as the child of someone who did the same thing.

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 22:24

Why do I feel like he’s hiding in the bushes somewhere very close to home, watching the shenannigans?

MadeForThis · 14/05/2019 22:40

Hope things work out ok.

Mix56 · 15/05/2019 07:56

jamais. I can hardly imagine the repercussions with DC. I sincerely hope he reappears soon.
The scene was carefully prepared, I couldn't believe he would do "something stupid". I hope you are not still in limbo, but it does seem it may be the case.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 15/05/2019 08:44

De-lurking to say that I'm thinking of you, and I really hope this turns out to be another 'game' and not something more sinister. Thanks

RandomMess · 15/05/2019 08:44

Been thinking of you so much Thanks

NettleTea · 15/05/2019 08:51

if the police have tracked his phone to an area they will be able to go and check on him at least?

RoyalChocolat · 15/05/2019 08:53

De-lurking too. I am also married to an abusive sulker.
Once he did not come back after work and did not answer his phone (I can't remember what I had done to incur his wrath).
I saw through him and did not call the police or look for him.

He came back the next day and ranted that he had a crap night (it was somewhat my fault he decided to sleep in the car) and I was not even worried.
He did not do it again.

NettleTea · 15/05/2019 08:54

A narcissist who is losing control and about to be exposed as not as perfect as the public image they have portrayed can do terrible things to either try to make the other person look callous or to blame, but can also be extremely dangerous. Please take care

JollyHolly30 · 15/05/2019 08:55

Thinking of you Jamais x

NettleTea · 15/05/2019 08:59

agree RoyalChocolat this may well be a HUGE version of the sulk. But also the beginnings of a plan to show he is having a breakdown and how dreadful for Jamais to leave. It will also be used to excuse any past behaviour to the outside because 'he obviously wasnt himself' - despite the fact that his behavior had been going on for years. Potential reputation damage limitation for him.
I think its also why women are always advised to call the police and an ambulance if they threaten suicide. But still leave.
By his own admission his MO is behavioural punishment

Liz38 · 15/05/2019 09:08

Thinking of you and your DC Jamais.

winecigsandchoc · 15/05/2019 09:09

Thinking of you this morning @jamaisjedors

hellsbellsmelons · 15/05/2019 12:14

That's a scary update OP.
I really hope he is found safe and sound.
Take care of yourself.

7yo7yo · 15/05/2019 12:48

I’ve been silently watching.
I am awed by your dignity.
We are here with you and behind you.
Flowers

Mitzimaybe · 15/05/2019 15:19

I keep checking this thread for updates. I hope you and the children are OK.

Fretfulparent · 15/05/2019 16:45

I am so sorry things have taken this unexpected turn. Do hope your H is found soon.