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Original poster

How do I get over him sleeping with someone else?

86 replies

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 09:55

We broke up for about a month, and within that time he slept with someone else - twice. He says it didn't mean anything, and it was just a desperate way to get over the pain of breaking up with me. But now we're back together I just can't seem to get past it. I really try, but on the evenings when I don't see him, I can't stop wondering if he's seeing her, and I can't stop thinking about them being together.

I really want to make it work with him (it was completely my fault that we broke up, I didn't think I could handle a relationship whilst in the middle of an albeit amicable divorce). HOW do I get over this?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 10:04

It doesn't seem like you trust him. This isn't a case of cheating. You dumped him and he was a free agent. If you can't get over it, you need to end it.

Perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship and need time alone.

That would be for the best I reckon.

pog100 · 08/05/2019 10:06

I think you were right in the first place. The worst time to start a relationship is during a divorce, however amicable. A bit of fun maybe, but you will be emotional and vulnerable inevitably. As you are showing in the OP really.
I'm sorry it sounds harsh but I think you need to back off and relax.

Porridgeprincess · 08/05/2019 10:07

I think you know logically that as ye were broken up, he was free to sleep with someone else. You were not together.

However that is zero comfort to your mind when alone at night feeling vulnerable.

I agree with the PP, seems like you are not ready and probably need some kind of help to get over these issues.

If you can't get over it, then finish it. It really is not fair to him.

RiversDisguise · 08/05/2019 10:12

You are being extremely unfair.

NameChangeNugget · 08/05/2019 10:15

You’re being harsh.

He was a single man at the time.

Mayalready · 08/05/2019 10:16

He needs help if everytime he is in pain his penis falls into a vagina....

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 10:18

I know Sad

I completely know that I'm being unreasonable and unfair. That's why I really want to try and work through it and get over it.

It's not that he did it, although yes that hurts, but of course I understand that he was free and able to do whatever he wanted. But she's still texting him and wanting to meet for drinks and things which really doesn't help my trust issues.

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 08/05/2019 10:20

So he's still stringing her along then? That's a bit different

Dump

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 10:27

He says its complicated because they've been friends for ages and he doesn't want to ruin that friendship...

I just feel like, ok it was none of my business what he did when we weren't together, but now we are, it kind of IS my business.... I don't know, I probably AM just being unreasonable.

I don't want to adult any more!

OP posts:
Mayalready · 08/05/2019 10:49

No boundaries though - he can't be trusted to keep her on the friend side. His insistence to have her in his life means he can't manage without his ego - and penis - stroked.
He therefore is not committed to your relationship unfortunately.
Take control and tell him to fuck off.
Or be a doormat.
Your choice.

RiversDisguise · 08/05/2019 10:54

He's keeping his options open

You're not mad or unreasonable. Save yourself the heartache and set him free. If he wanted you only, he'd make it very clear to her- unless he was a player.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 11:16

He says when we got back together he told her that he wasn't interested in her, but didn't tell her that he was back with me as he didn't want to hurt her.... Hmm

He has since told her that he is seeing someone else, but it took a while for him to do that.

Oh God he is keeping his options open isn't he. I'm going to be a mug, aren't I. And just when I was actually ready to be in a relationship. Aaargh. Why is it always so complicated?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 11:18

I get that I hurt him when I broke up with him, but we were together for over a year before that, and it didn't take him long to jump into bed with someone else.

OP posts:
Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 11:22

Well they're more than friends as you don't want to sleep with friends... I can understand how you feel as it didn't take him long to seek her comfort.
Clarify what's actually going on between them and how does she feel about him?
The trouble is also that you're not really ready to start a new relationship until the other is finalised and your confusion and skittish behaviour is normal. Try to take things one step at a time x

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/05/2019 11:26

This sounds messy from all sides; I don't think he's been totally unreasonable. He is keeping his options open, but you've changed your mind twice about being with him at all.

Its probably time for a frank discussion about whether this is going anywhere and boundaries if you want to save it now.

Pigsinduvets · 08/05/2019 11:26

I would dump him. You don’t need the stress he brings. Have some time on your own and then you’ll be more ready to start something new with someone else more deserving.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 11:41

It is totally messy and stressful. When we're together it's amazing, but when we're not, I just can't help all the doubts creeping in. I will try an honest and frank conversation with him and see what he says. I don't want to just give up on it because we've been through so much, but I don't know if this is too big a hurdle Sad

Thanks for all your advice, it's really helping, and I am trying to think it through rationally.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 08/05/2019 12:01

I don't believe his 'don't wanna ruin the friendship' line. You either forgive & forget or you send him on his way. You can't have a relationship always keeping an eye on her b

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2019 12:02

He is stringing you both along, sorry.

I would end things, get through your divorce then stay single for a while to be honest. Why the rush?

ilikemethewayiam · 08/05/2019 12:07

He needs help if everytime he is in pain his penis falls into a vagina....

😂😂😂

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 12:11

I think you have to accept that you handed him the permission to sleep with someone else on a plate. He's really done nothing wrong here. You broke up with him, he slept with someone else. Nothing wrong with a free, single guy having consensual casual sex to cheer himself up after a breakup.

I think the question is: why did you feel he still owed you fidelity after you had broken up? Did you not really mean the break up? Were you using it as a power play that has backfired? Or are there other issues here that would cause you to mistrust him? You say you are in the midst of a divorce - are there circumstances there that might be relevant to your reactions here?

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 12:30

It's not that I feel he owed me fidelity... It's that he paid all this lip service to how much he loved me, how much he only wanted me etc etc, and then managed to get his dick wet TWICE within a couple of weeks of us breaking up. I know men view sex differently, but honestly I couldn't have touched anyone else.

And now - he obviously DOES owe me fidelity, so why is he still messaging her and meeting up with her for drinks even if it is "just as friends"?

Reasons we broke up - I was worried that I wasn't putting my children first, my mental health was suffering, I didn't think I could put as much in to the relationship as he wanted. It wasn't a power play, but I saw it as more of a "we were on a break" rather than a never going back situation. But to be fair, I probably didn't make that clear to him.

I took the time apart to try and sort myself out, do some self care, I came off my antidepressants, and just put my energy into being a better version of myself. One that was ready for him. So now I am ready for a relationship, but I feel like now it might be too late if I can't get past this.

OP posts:
Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 12:33

He sounds like he's messing you both about, you're right he shouldn't be meeting her for drinks now and sending her mixed messages after he slept with her too. She's sounds like she's more his 'friend with benefits' than just a friend

hewontstopshitting · 08/05/2019 12:34

I don’t think you are ready OP. From what you said you broke up with him for, I don’t think 2 weeks could suddenly change all that and make you ready. And I think him sleeping with this woman will play on your mind for a lot of the relationship if you continue, possibly making you insecure and jealous. If I was you I’d leave and take some time out to focus on yourself and your DC

Treesthemovie · 08/05/2019 12:53

On the one hand, breaking up with someone for a break like this seems pretty pointless, what you seem to be saying is you dumped him and seemed to expect him to psychically know it was only temporary. You can't expect someone to wait around like this.

On the other hand, he has been really quick to jump into bed with someone else and seems to be keeping her as backup, which doesn't say much for him as a person. Regardless, if the relationship was harmful to your mental health not much could change in a month. I would just call it a day, personally.