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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get over him sleeping with someone else?

86 replies

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 09:55

We broke up for about a month, and within that time he slept with someone else - twice. He says it didn't mean anything, and it was just a desperate way to get over the pain of breaking up with me. But now we're back together I just can't seem to get past it. I really try, but on the evenings when I don't see him, I can't stop wondering if he's seeing her, and I can't stop thinking about them being together.

I really want to make it work with him (it was completely my fault that we broke up, I didn't think I could handle a relationship whilst in the middle of an albeit amicable divorce). HOW do I get over this?

OP posts:

HotChocolateLover · 08/05/2019 12:55

Sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship. I’ve been there as I was seeing a perfectly lovely man but it was very shortly after my divorce and I ended up finishing it because I needed some time to heal and work through my own issues. 11 years later i’m Remarried and much happier in myself.

Worrynot1 · 08/05/2019 13:00

My reaction to any break up is to get on POF and shag as many of the lovelorn as I can, find it fun and helps smooth the transition.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 13:02

"he obviously DOES owe me fidelity, so why is he still messaging her and meeting up with her for drinks even if it is "just as friends"? "

Wait, so he IS actually meeting her - it's not just you worrying that he is? I don't think many women would be happy with that, actually!!

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 13:05

He met up with her about ten days ago, didn't tell me beforehand, and only admitted it when I asked him outright as I just had a gut feeling.
She messaged him the other day when I was with him asking if he wanted to meet for a drink, and he messaged back saying he was busy with a "friend". (He showed me the messages without me asking).
So you can kind of see why I'm a little paranoid....

OP posts:

category12 · 08/05/2019 13:06

He's stringing her along, which isn't nice. Or he's seeing you both. I'd put a fiver on the latter.

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 13:28

He says that he's told her now that he is seeing someone, because I wasn't happy about being referred to as "a friend". I agree that it sounds like he's stringing her along - I wish he'd just call it a day and stop messaging her. She can't have been that good a friend if I never met her the whole time I was seeing him before...

OP posts:

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 13:32

I would insist he doesn't see her again..she's now become an ex sex partner so that changes the whole game.. The fact he's slept with her twice means they were more than friends so he can't use that as an excuse.

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 13:33

Fgs he's calling you all '' friends''?! 😱

IncrediblySadToo · 08/05/2019 13:38

You’d be best breaking up with him for good.

Really get yourself sorted and then open to meeting someone new.

He’s a player and you don’t need that.

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 13:56

I don't want to play the "pick me" game... I feel like I have to let it go, at least on the surface, as if I keep asking about it, I'm going to end up being controlling and obsessive, and that's just going to drive him straight back to her.

I don't want to have to break up with him, but I know what you're all saying is right. I'd be giving the same advice if it was me... But I do love him and that's hard to kind of switch off.

He was supposed to meet me after work today and has now said he's going to be late as he has "some bits to sort out" Sounds a bit vague to me, and I can't help the gut feeling that says he's going to be seeing her, but what if it's just my paranoia?

I hate this :( Thought I was over the whole game playing dating scene stuff.

OP posts:

Teenytinyvoice · 08/05/2019 14:02

I’m in 2 minds on this, so I can see why you are!

On one hand, I do genuinely think you are being unfair using language like “get his dick wet” - he was single, and he is entitled sleep with everything that moves. That you felt you couldn’t is totally irrelevant.

On the other, the meeting up without telling you, she’s such a great friend but you’ve never heard of her, and him having to be sort of forced to fess up he is seeing someone are not great.

I’d be inclined to use your new found “power of me” to look elsewhere. He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Omzlas · 08/05/2019 14:03

Sounds to me like she's his backup

You've contradicted yourself though. You said you broke up. Then said you were on a break. Which is it?

And as PP have said, my own reaction in the past when I've had a relationship breakup, was to move on quickly. "Get over him by getting under someone else" and all that.

You need a serious sit down discussion whereby he gives it to her straight and tells her that you're back together and calls it a day, or you and he break up completely. I first thought you were overreacting (and still do to a degree) but he's making the whole situation worse. Maybe he's flattered by the attention and that he managed to get laid so quickly after you broke up?

Teenytinyvoice · 08/05/2019 14:04

And the negative stuff is nothing to do with you having a break, apart from maybe doing you a favour by getting this behaviour into the open sooner that it would otherwise

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 14:10

Yeah I know, the phrase "getting his dick wet" isn't great. I guess I'm angry and lashing out, and I can't do it to his face so I'm doing it here...
Yes, it is totally unreasonable to be mad that he was with someone else while we were broken up, it's the NOW part that's really getting to me.
The breaking up / on a break thing is a bit of a grey area. I'm pretty sure I used the phrase "on a break", whereas he is convinced we were broken up and had no chance of getting back together. He says I broke his heart and was just doing anything to make it stop hurting. And I get that, I really do. He can't take it back, I know that. I have come to terms with him being with someone else, and I know that that's MY issue. But he needs to understand that NOW, he can't just see her whenever he feels like it because he wants to let her down gently or whatever.

I just genuinely thought he wasn't like this. I didn't think he was a player. I even half joked when we broke up, "oh you'll just go off and shag someone else" and he said, "If you think that, then you clearly don't know me very well." Clearly, I don't

OP posts:

Pigsinduvets · 08/05/2019 14:11

You need to ask yourself why you love someone who would start sleeping with someone else straight after splitting up with you. Why do you love someone who has lied to another woman about you?
Why do you love someone who met up with the person he shagged and didn’t tell you about it?
You are not paranoid. Your gut instincts are telling you he’s not a good guy to be with and can’t be trusted. Are you going to listen to your gut instincts which are warning you away from him? Are you going to question why you are attracted to someone who treats you badly?
What happened with your ex? How did he treat you?

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 14:13

I'd like to be a fly on the wall when he meets his other '' friend''.. I wonder what tripe he tells her. I'm sure alot of men are the same and tell you what you want to hear but actions do speak louder than words remember that X

Teenytinyvoice · 08/05/2019 14:14

Sounds exhausting.

I think his behaviour now is massively contributing to this, and is the reason you are so upset over the stuff that happened while you were broken up.

How long were you together before the break up and how intensely? I’m not sure you do know him as well as you thought

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 14:18

I too would love to be a fly on the wall when he talks to her! Do you think it's unreasonable to ask to see the messages between them? Not when we weren't together, but since...

Pigsinduvets all valid questions. I don't know, is the answer to most of them.

My ex would never have treated me like this, that's for sure, but I didn't love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 14:22

I really don't want to be the person that says "you can't talk to this person", but I don't think I can get over it if he continues to see her, whether it's in a "just friends" capacity or not. But I don't know if that's unreasonable or not. I sort of jokingly said to him after I found out about her that I didn't want him seeing her or talking to her and he completely shot me down, saying it was an unreasonable request and that he didn't want to destroy a friendship. He's also friends with her brother if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 14:23

Yes... but by the sound of him that fly would be buzzing about his trousers lol 😁
Yes ask to see the texts 🤗

Teenytinyvoice · 08/05/2019 14:25

Yes I think it is unreasonable to ask to see the messages.

He has stated his position, he will continue to see her. You might think this is wrong, but he has been quite clear. You have to move on, either together and you live with this, or break up and move on yourself.

Porridgeprincess · 08/05/2019 14:26

Actually that in my opinion is totally different now to your original post. Relationships are hard enough without this kind of thing going on. I would cut your losses, mind yourself and move on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2019 14:27

Sounds a nightmare. This situation isn’t good for you. Your mental health will suffer more if you stay with him and try to quash your insecurities about him continuing to see someone he was/is sleeping with.

Just not worth it OP. Find someone else.

Pigsinduvets · 08/05/2019 14:30

He doesn’t want to destroy the friendship, but he’s willing for the relationship to be destroyed! It’s not unreasonable to ask him to cut contact with someone he’s just shagged. He can say no of course. But that’s the bit where you need to walk away from him. Otherwise expect more of the same from him. You’ll never trust him and he doesn’t deserve to be trusted.
I wonder if the brother would still be his mate if he knew he’d shagged his sister and lied to her about seeing someone else.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 14:32

"I really don't want to be the person that says "you can't talk to this person", but I don't think I can get over it if he continues to see her, whether it's in a "just friends" capacity or not. But I don't know if that's unreasonable or not."

I think this is reasonable, but I also think it's a grey area and that others may disagree. However, I think what matters here is what you think and feel.

Getting past something like this takes a lot of time and effort and, to be honest, it takes chunks out of you as well. Is it really worth it? I know you have feelings for this guy, and that breaking up is hard to do. But the contrast is really between short, sharp pain now and long drawnout pain with you feeling a little bit better in the present but potentially quite a lot worse in a few months. I would say that the drawnout pain isn't honestly worth it if the relationship is short and uncertain in status - he hasn't exactly shown himself to be super committed here.

My advice: bite the bullet, go through the pain now, and start dating other people.

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