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Original poster

How do I get over him sleeping with someone else?

86 replies

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 09:55

We broke up for about a month, and within that time he slept with someone else - twice. He says it didn't mean anything, and it was just a desperate way to get over the pain of breaking up with me. But now we're back together I just can't seem to get past it. I really try, but on the evenings when I don't see him, I can't stop wondering if he's seeing her, and I can't stop thinking about them being together.

I really want to make it work with him (it was completely my fault that we broke up, I didn't think I could handle a relationship whilst in the middle of an albeit amicable divorce). HOW do I get over this?

OP posts:
Chanel05 · 08/05/2019 14:42

I think he's being out of order by telling her he is "seeing someone" that is totally different to reconciling with his girlfriend. Would she be messaging him if she knew it was you? She probably thinks she's in with a chance still if he's seeing someone casually.

He wasn't wrong to sleep with her as such - your relationship was over. However, now you are back together he needs to end his contact with her. Meeting up in secret and sending texts is just not acceptable. I think if you both want to move forward then he needs to acknowledge that you want to be with him. You do not deserve his commitment only part-time. I think you need to be honest and try and get him to see it from your point of view as if the shoe were on the other foot. I think you're within your rights to ask him to text her with something along the lines of, "I'm back with my girlfriend now, good luck in the future". He's trying to have his cake and eat it. I don't think he sees it as cheating on you, but he wants to keep her on the back burner in case you split again and that isn't okay.

Ninkaninus · 08/05/2019 14:47

He wasn’t unreasonable to sleep with her when you weren’t together. However he is being extremely unreasonable now. What the fuck is he playing at referring to you as a friend and pretending he’s seeing ‘someone’?! You shouldn’t be accepting that kind of disrespect from him. He needs to tell her today thar he is back together with you.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 14:49

I think he's being out of order by telling her he is "seeing someone" that is totally different to reconciling with his girlfriend. Would she be messaging him if she knew it was you? She probably thinks she's in with a chance still if he's seeing someone casually.

Yes - exactly! Him just saying he's seeing someone is not the same as saying he's back with his girlfriend who he (apparently) is madly in love with. If I were in her shoes, I would probably think I was in with a chance, and continue to try and be with him.

He doesn’t want to destroy the friendship, but he’s willing for the relationship to be destroyed! - yes! I said that to him! I said, "So you don't want to hurt her, but it's ok to hurt me?"
Is this some kind of punishment to make me suffer the way he suffered? Because that is not ok.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 08/05/2019 14:50

He doesn’t really sound worth it...

Chanel05 · 08/05/2019 14:54

I also think that if you want to move forward in your relationship and start a new, fresh chapter this means neither of you can dwell on the break up and he most certainly can't stay in contact with his ex shag. You'll both never be able to move on in a healthy relationship together otherwise.

Also, I personally think you're well within your rights to see the messages. If there is nothing to hide it shouldn't be a big deal.

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2019 15:01

After reading your updates, I don't think he's worth it ( I know it doesn't feel like it to you ) but the fact he won't say he is back with YOU and him shooting you down.

I think theres abit more to this

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 15:02

Ninkaninus I can see why you'd think that, but without all this ridiculous crap baggage, we are really good together. Which is why I want to make sure I've really given it a chance before I throw in the towel.

So, back to his text that says he's going to be late tonight as he has "things to sort out", is it reasonable to ask him, "What things?"

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 15:04

Chanel05 is spot on. He's clearly stringing this "friend" along and you. You don't sleep with your friends when they clearly want more than you're willing to offer - that's cunty behaviour. Most FWB arrangements are made with the understanding that contact is cut when either party starts a proper relationship - this woman clearly wants his company outside the bedroom as well as in it.

Ninkaninus · 08/05/2019 15:10

Ok fair enough, I guess.

You will need to tell him that he is to tell her explicitly that is back together with you now.

You are also well within your rights to ask him to back right off from the friendship with this particular woman. She is not just a friend, she is someone he has slept with, someone who clearly is interested in him and wants to be in a relationship with him, or at least to sleep with him. He is being unfair on her and also really taking the piss with you.

You can ask him, of course, what he’s up to today, but there’s no guarantee he’ll tell the truth, is there? So what would be the point? You’d just worry that he’s lying to you.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 15:14

Yep, I am definitely going to request that when I eventually see him tonight. This relationship is definitely not going to work if I'm constantly wondering a) where he is and b) if he's lying to me. I'll know if he's lying when I see him.

If he doesn't agree, then I guess I know where I stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 15:14

Can I just say thanks so much for all the advice? I really appreciate it. Flowers

OP posts:
Chanel05 · 08/05/2019 15:22

I'd definitely ask him what stuff, then maybe add what you're doing this evening, that way your message back doesn't quite sound so loaded. I put money on him going to meet her to let her know he's in a relationship again.

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 15:28

And if it is that, Chanel05, then great - just wish he could have said. You know, "Sorry Tinkerbell, I'll be a bit late as I'm meeting up with ex-shag to tell her she's out of the picture and you're the love of my life." Type thing.

I've gone with "OK, are you seeing your kids? Just so I know what time to have dinner ready."

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 08/05/2019 15:42

Nah, he was a free agent but managed to get some dick action pretty quickly. Didn't take him long to get over you and now he's stringing the poor woman along.
If you want to be with someone like this that's up to you.

RomanyQueen1 · 08/05/2019 15:44

Yeh, that's great just ask him what tie he and his kids want waiting on Confused that should sort it out.

lovinglifexo · 08/05/2019 16:02

when you broke up with him, he was allowed to sleep with whoever.

While I get that it’s not really fair for him to still be meeting this friend, if they were really good friends before (and just happened to hook up) then it would be hard for ANYONE to cut them off/stop contact.

especially if it was literally just casual sex.

iyswim

Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 16:07

@longlifexo Yeah I agree, but the fact is that we were together for a year before, and he'd never mentioned this friend, I'd never met her, so they can't have been THAT good friends...

Plus while I don't personally know her, a few of my friends know her, and she is apparently the sort of person that will not stop until she gets what she wants, especially with men. So I would think that him still contacting her and meeting her for drinks would be giving her all the wrong signals that he's still interested, even if he is genuinely just trying to be a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 08/05/2019 16:07

Sorry, mistyped - @lovinglifexo

OP posts:
pineapplepatty · 08/05/2019 16:22

Nah. Ditch him.

MsDogLady · 08/05/2019 16:37

He is making a fool of you. He won’t tell her that he has reunited with you. He is contacting her and meeting her. It sounds like he is dating her.

I wouldn’t tolerate this. If he was truly committed to you, he would cut contact with her. Honestly, would he be okay with you messaging and meeting with a man you’d recently had sex with?

Mystraightenersarebroken · 08/05/2019 16:40

Been in a similar situation except I was the one who slept with someone else during a split from guy 1. I also kept on seeing guy 2 as a friend for a while.

Difference is both knew about each other and I was up front with both that I loved guy 1.

And when we got back together guy 1 didn't harbour any negativity about the fact that I'd had another relationship straight away.

Very happy with guy 1 now and guy 2 moved out of my life when he realised things had worked out between me and guy 1.

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2019 16:42

I feel for you OP

But let's be honest, if you have to tell him to cut contact with her and he shot you down that time with excuses of why he can't/won't, if he finally did do it, can you honestly say she still wouldn't be floating around in the back of your mind?

I've been through similar and I thought I got over it and finally trusted him and she was still there all along

I wouldn't feel very confident the way hes going about this.

He lives you that much yet can't say he was back with you

Not a chance

SparklyMagpie · 08/05/2019 16:47

*loves

tempytemp · 08/05/2019 17:19

I once lost a good friend in a similar situation. I slept with him when we were both single. He got back together with his ex and I was dropped. From my point of view I hated losing a good friend and if I had realised they would get back together I would never have done it, it wasn't worth it. I was sad but he did what he needed to do to make his relationship with his girlfriend work.

RLEOM · 08/05/2019 17:29

He needs help if everytime he is in pain his penis falls into a vagina....

Brilliant! 😂😂😂

If I've learnt anything about men during a breakup, it's that they're dogs. They need female attention and to chase a bit of skirt as soon as a breakup occurs.

My ex was on it straight after we split up! Shortly after, his "friend" had split up from his wife and he was trying to get me out on a date within days of them being split! What the hell is wrong with these scoundrels? The mind doth boggle!

However, you weren't together so he hasn't done anything wrong in that sense (But I get how much it hurts). What he has done wrong is not cutting off this "friend" he slept with. Tough cookie if she's a friend. If he really wants you, she's got to go!