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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH been accused, what should I do?

126 replies

Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 20:43

Nc'd for this. Received message today from husband of friend saying he had seen his wife and my DH playing footsie under table. He confronted her, she has denied it, says it was just something silly. Lots of alcohol involved, my DH was very drunk, I wasn't there. My DH read his message when it came through, tried to call him, he would only speak to me. This friend is convinced there's more to it, says they will both deny it, says he is devastated and it's the stuff that breaks marriages up.
My DH says he doesn't recall it, his foot could have possibly touched hers under the narrow table etc. Not acting at all guilty, wants to talk to them both, desperate to put husband straight and wants to talk face to face with him.
FWIW we have extremely solid relationship of 20 years and trust each other implicitly with everything and I truly believe DH would not have done this.
Wife is a school mum, kids good friends, all socialise a lot together, live close etc etc.
I don't know what to do....
Am I being stupid and in denial? Do I talk to the wife? Can we ever get over this in a friendship group even if it is a silly misunderstanding?
I don't know if there are any issues in this couples' marriage and whether the husband is looking for trouble.
Any advice/thoughts much appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 07/05/2019 06:53

Well, im going to throw something slightly different in the mix. After a few conversations his story has changed from no memory of it, to their legs touched and a detailed description of the breakfasf bar.

Oblomov19 · 07/05/2019 07:04

I have a not-totally-dissimilar situation with a close friend of mine atm.

We were at the pub, us in a group, plus others in a different group next to us.
The husband of another mum I vaguely know, was playing footsie with my close friend under the pub table. She was shocked.
Footsie is a very strange thing. I think you underestimate how quickly it happens, but how flirty it is in those quick few seconds, because it's physical and it escalates the whole flirting thing rapidly up the scale.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2019 07:06

Stop socialising as couples. Go back to seeing her on her own. Give your DH the benefit of the doubt- I don't think there's anything odd about his behaviour at all.

Japonicaflower2 · 07/05/2019 07:12

A friend's DH accused her of this, HE was actually having an affair but looking to deflect it onto her. He was a misogynistic, arrogant bully.

forumdonkey · 07/05/2019 07:19

If he saw this happening, why didn't he call them out on it when it happened? He's been happy enough to do it directly with you after the event, so for me it's odd he didn't say anything at the time. IMO, he's the one with the problem and he's 'looking' for something/anything because he's paranoid or suspicious of his DW.

forumdonkey · 07/05/2019 07:28

To add, their feet touching is very vague and unless he was under the table I'd question how easy it would be to see all this footsie. He's not claiming he's found them in a clinch or flirting.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 07/05/2019 07:32

I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I also think drunken flirting is forgivable in a 20 year marriage. Your friend’s husband sounds horrible.

Rumbletum2 · 07/05/2019 07:42

Get everyone together and ask. You’ll be able to get a fuller story, and see everyone’s reactions.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/05/2019 07:46

Probably has something to do with us reading the background and context.

Oh I read it just the same as you - so what if I happen to have a different opinion than you

DoctorDread · 07/05/2019 07:54

All v strange op. Agreed getting all of you in a room to thrash it out is probably sensible.

Mythreefavouritethings · 07/05/2019 08:11

Count Duckula, it’s also possible that the details of the breakfast bar, etc, wouldn’t have even entered DH’s mind because there was no meaning attached. If you are going back over something which at the time did not merit any particular focus, you will try to retrieve relevant information which may not come immediately. I would also, at this point, be giving my husband the benefit here. There are some horror stories and we see them so much, sometimes you put your hard hat on, but it’s not always the case. Hopefully talking will clear this up.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 07/05/2019 08:37

Getting everyone together and asking is a terrible idea. You either believe your husband or you don’t. Asking him in public in front of the accuser and his wife would be very humiliating for him if he’s done nothing wrong and it would show him you don’t trust him. You have a strong marriage and you know your husband.

kiki22 · 07/05/2019 09:25

Confused89899 sorry it's took me so long ds2 is poorly. I would say the wife was flirting your dh didn't notice as he was plastered. The husband has been stewing on it (he's not confronted your dh because he knows it's been one sided) they have had a fight about the incident or something else he has text you in anger. He wants to avoid your DH because he knows it's all shite but now he's said it he can't take it back

TatianaLarina · 07/05/2019 09:33

Totally agree with Tulips getting together is a terrible idea, no good can come of it.

Appreciate you can’t avoid this couple in village location, but this is not the way to deal with it.

Doyouneedthetoilet · 07/05/2019 10:11

The amount of times I've accidentally played footies under a table with my dh is endless. He is quite a bit taller than me so takes up more leg room than me. Either that or I end up standing on his foot.

barryfromclareisfit · 07/05/2019 10:16

Your DH and friend were ‘at it’, even in a minor way. What more do you need to know? Don’t discuss it any further. Think through what you want now, then plan, then act.

forumdonkey · 07/05/2019 10:44

@barryfromclareisfit they were 'at it'?! I'd hardly think they were at it. IF their legs touched, how do you know that OPs DH didn't think his leg was against the table or chair leg, after all he was pissed. Why didn't the other husband say something when he saw it?

ittakes2 · 07/05/2019 10:50

Op, if you haven't met up yet - can I suggest you meet up as a group of four and resolve this? I studied communication and I used to work in PR where we spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to communicate. I am suggesting this because it is the best way for you to resolve things once and for all and move forward. Only with face-to-face personal communication can you see people's complete reaction - how they say things with their tone of voice and body language is just as important. If any one of you is not at this meeting that person would be relying to their partner to convey what happened and this would not be as successful as having been there yourself. There is also a chance this couple are having martial problems - if you and your husband want to keep this friendship it would work better if both of you are there to reassure them that you value their friendship and are happy to move forward. I would also be concerned for your relationship with your friend, especially since you have school runs etc. If you don't go to this meeting your friend is likely to feel embarrased and might start avoiding you. But if you go she can see you are genuinely concerned about her and want to clear the air so you can move forward. I also think you need to be very practical and consider with your husband a few scenarios and how you would feel about these and how you would react. ie if the couple told you they are having martial problems, if the woman confessed to having feelings for your husband, if the man confessed he was being paranoid and controlling, what you want to do with the school run if it all goes pear-shaped and can't be resolved etc etc. If the situation gets tricky, if you have already talked through your feelings as a couple it would help you both to stay calm as you will know how each other are feeling. I hope it goes well and everything gets resolved.

alreadytaken · 09/05/2019 16:42

after a few conversations the DH is still confused. However having been at the house previously he remembers that the breakfast bar, which he didnt think about before, is actually quite narrow and therefore accidental touching may occur.

If I accidentally touched someone legs under a narrow breakfast bar I would think nothing of it and just move away as far as I could . Note I'd even remember doing so if someone brought it up later, even if I was fully sober at the time, as it's so automatic a reaction.

Unless the DH has past history I repeat - why wouldnt his wife trust him? More likely this is an abusive man trying to cause problems/ destroy a friendship.

magoria · 09/05/2019 17:34

I am not convinced it is all innocent. I would like to know what the wife meant my she has denied it, says it was just something silly Just something silly isn't nothing or accidental contact in my opinion.

People are constantly told to tell the other person's partner if they know theirs have been cheating. That is just what this bloke has done yet he is being described as all sorts! OP has said nothing about the other bloke being abusive or controlling before.

Also plenty of people have to get up the courage to ask their P or tell the OW/OM's partner and OP says the other wife has been away for a few days.

I wonder if his wife was trying something and your H was oblivious/too drunk to realise.

MitziK · 09/05/2019 19:47

I still think he sounds more like a jealous, controlling, abusive husband who has been stewing in his own insecurities/desire for control over the weekend because she's dared to go away and when having a pop at her, she's said 'don't be silly' rather than escalate the situation/confrontation into full blown screaming at her potential violence.

And he's gone for the second angle of attack - contact the wife/OP and stir it up that way - as revenge and a means of escalating it and to isolate his wife from her friend.

Waytooearly · 09/05/2019 20:06

I can't believe you've dignified this message with a response OP. The messenger is a creep and shit-stirrer and you and your husband need to ice them both out.

Agednotwine · 09/05/2019 20:24

Lol, of course they were playing footsie! You don't imagine that. She has said it was a misunderstanding, your DH has said they may have touched legs. The man wasn't imagining it!

Agednotwine · 09/05/2019 20:25

The only one whose version I'd be asking for would be the other husband's...

Agednotwine · 09/05/2019 20:27

The other pair i.e your DH and the other lady were caught red handed. So they're saying it was 'possible' they touched legs. If it never happened there would be outright denial. There isn't. There is what we call 'damage limitation'.

Open your eyes.

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