Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH been accused, what should I do?

126 replies

Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 20:43

Nc'd for this. Received message today from husband of friend saying he had seen his wife and my DH playing footsie under table. He confronted her, she has denied it, says it was just something silly. Lots of alcohol involved, my DH was very drunk, I wasn't there. My DH read his message when it came through, tried to call him, he would only speak to me. This friend is convinced there's more to it, says they will both deny it, says he is devastated and it's the stuff that breaks marriages up.
My DH says he doesn't recall it, his foot could have possibly touched hers under the narrow table etc. Not acting at all guilty, wants to talk to them both, desperate to put husband straight and wants to talk face to face with him.
FWIW we have extremely solid relationship of 20 years and trust each other implicitly with everything and I truly believe DH would not have done this.
Wife is a school mum, kids good friends, all socialise a lot together, live close etc etc.
I don't know what to do....
Am I being stupid and in denial? Do I talk to the wife? Can we ever get over this in a friendship group even if it is a silly misunderstanding?
I don't know if there are any issues in this couples' marriage and whether the husband is looking for trouble.
Any advice/thoughts much appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2019 22:55

Confused just to add my DH is totally reliable. I have seen him very drunk, and there's no way he would do anything untoward wether he was drunk or sober

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:58

Agree both ways, don't want to get involved in this drama and want to drop them but also want to confront both and get to bottom of it. Think our hand will be forced as school runs, small village etc. means no avoidance unfortunately.
Just been discussing it with DH again, he says he does have vague memory of their legs touching (as he said at the start) and that it was a skinny open breakfast bar where if you're tall it's kind of impossible for legs not to touch when you're sitting on a bar stool opposite someone who has their legs crossed. I understand and I do believe him!

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 06/05/2019 22:59

He shows no signs of this on the outside

Well, obviously.

If all controlling, abusive people were obviously abusive and controlling on the outside nobody would ever go near them or get involved and they'd never be able to abuse anyone!

Abusers have this thing where they want to get away with it, so they tend not to be blatantly abusive in front of everyone they know. Often they will be charming and super helpful to everyone else in their life except the target of their abuse.

It's incredibly common for abusive men to make claims like this, or to tell the woman they're abusing that her friends keep coming onto him. End goal: she has no friends and is isolated and entirely under his control.

This is literally a textbook example of coercive control/abuse.

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 23:08

Scary, I'm actually feeling sorry for her now if this is the case and it was nothing and she said 'don't be silly'

OP posts:
rwalker · 06/05/2019 23:11

I believe your DH. Very strange if it was the case why didn't he throw him out the house there and then odd that he messages you later .

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 23:14

Thank you all for clearing my head on this, it has really helpedFlowers

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2019 23:17

Confused I hope this has helped you.
Your friend probably really needs you x because her H is a twat

SandyY2K · 06/05/2019 23:17

How long have you known them for? I'm not sure about the numerous posts if him being abusive... there's not enough info to make that assumption.

I think the excess alcohol consumed by your DH and the other man, may be a factor. You've repeatedly said very drunk ... so anything is possible.

As you were sent the message, a response from you would be better...at least acknowledge his message....maybe agree with your DH a response.

The problem with this, is it creates doubt all round. You could support your DH 100% and never truly know if anything was going on.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/05/2019 23:19

Keep being friends with her, and if there's any more nonsense from this H just ignore/laugh/change the subject. And don't 'meet to talk it over', that always makes things worse. Smiling indifference is the best way to deal with drama llamas.

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/05/2019 23:20

How the tables turn here - usually it is the wife who is being encouraged to tell the OH the truth . Is she painted as abusive etc ? WTH?

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/05/2019 23:21

In my experience it is the friends you have to watch the most .

AppleDump · 06/05/2019 23:25

Do you think the other DH is looking for an escape from his marriage by trying to blame his wife for being unfaithful and dragging you poor DH into it.

janeybumtum · 06/05/2019 23:32

I'm usually very cynical about potential cheating, but in this case I'm really not convinced anything has happened. It sounds from what you said about the friends DH sort of going round doing what he likes without that much thought for his wife that she might be getting fed up with him and is either flirting with any man who is friendly to her/hoping to find a new man/has given her DH the impression she's had enough. If he thinks any of these things he may have jumped the gun about his wife and your DH having a drunken friendly giggle together one night when everyone had drunk a bit too much. I might be wrong but I suspect the problem here may be with your friends DH rather than your DH or the wife.

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 23:37

I agree, thank you

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 06/05/2019 23:38

I think you need to speak to the couple and find out the exact allegation and reason. For me I would need to know. If you have all been friends for quite a while and it’s a close community this could be awkward and he could say anything to anyone. I would have to speak to them both all together

oneforthepain · 06/05/2019 23:39

How the tables turn here - usually it is the wife who is being encouraged to tell the OH the truth . Is she painted as abusive etc ? WTH?

Probably has something to do with us reading the background and context.

SpinneyHill · 06/05/2019 23:50

Footsie? What is that? Kicking? Foot stepping? I've never heard of any kind of foot/shoe contact based flirting in real life, it does sound like a jealous bloke seeing (or pretending to see) stories where there are none for the purpose of having a go at her

Saltystraw · 07/05/2019 00:17

Why don’t you contact the wife? Does she even know that you have been contacted?

MitziK · 07/05/2019 03:01

It sounds more like the bollocks one of my exes would do - accuse somebody of feeling me up and me 'obviously enjoying it' when what they've actually done is turn towards me at the (crowded) bar to take drinks back to the table as I'm shorter then the bloke on their other side, so they could lift the glasses over my head safely. And he would have tried to get a partner's phone number to cause trouble, using pretty much exactly the same words.

pissedonatrain · 07/05/2019 04:04

After reading everything, I believe her DH is a mean abusive drunk. I also believe that his DW is probably fed up with his bs and was flirting with your DH. Some women think nothing of trying to trade in their useless prick for someone else's DH who they've seen acts decent.

Another problem is the drinking. Far too much drinking going on.

I don't think your DH should go talk to him. I would just be done with the both of them. Too much drama. As for small village, it might become a bit of gossip and then they'll move on to the next bit of gossip.

Linning · 07/05/2019 04:52

I went to an event a few weeks ago, it was a sports event so seats were a bit crammed, I was sitting next to a man, I never once glanced at him but mid-game I felt a woman's hand pushing me quite violently away, apparently my knee had been resting slightly against this man's knee for a few seconds without me noticing but his wife had definitely noticed it and reached across from her DH's legs to push me away from "her man".

I had to laugh when I did finally glance at "her man" and it was this beer-belly with most hair gone kind of guy in his late 40's when I am half his age and clearly wouldn't have gone for him was he the last man alive.

Some people are crazy controlling and it's what this husband comes across to me, he doesn't trust his wife and so his looking at faults in the smallest things.

I may have spent the rest of the game oggling her man and sending her my brightest smile for dramatic effect. Grin

Nutcase.

AgentJohnson · 07/05/2019 05:38

I, we and you have no idea what happened but what this sorry tale has shown, iOS that your H’s ‘social drinking’ is a problem if him not recollecting is a thing.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 07/05/2019 05:48

I’d be very careful about placing the om’s Dw as the victim here op.

Whatever has gone on you need to have nothing to do with either of them and your dh should be apologizing for putting you in this precarious position by being so drunk he can’t clearly get a handle on exactly what did - if anything - happen.

Steeve · 07/05/2019 06:08

See, I doubt a heavily drunken man would take to playing a bit of footsie to flirt. I think the OM is calculating, his marriage troubled and your husband a very convenient target. Your husband must not meet up alone with this man.

Four days to stew? Nah. Four days to hatch a plausible story burying his wife and your husband on the other hand..

JenniferJareau · 07/05/2019 06:47

Sounds to me like the husband saw this as a perfect stick to metaphorically beat his wife with.

Saw their legs touching under the breakfast bar a few times, not a surprising thing to happen when there is lots of drink being imbibed, saw your DH was drunk and knew this was a perfect way to shit stir and isolate his wife from close friends. He didn't contact your DH as he wanted to bring you into the drama so you'd be outraged and cut her out of your social circle.