Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH been accused, what should I do?

126 replies

Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 20:43

Nc'd for this. Received message today from husband of friend saying he had seen his wife and my DH playing footsie under table. He confronted her, she has denied it, says it was just something silly. Lots of alcohol involved, my DH was very drunk, I wasn't there. My DH read his message when it came through, tried to call him, he would only speak to me. This friend is convinced there's more to it, says they will both deny it, says he is devastated and it's the stuff that breaks marriages up.
My DH says he doesn't recall it, his foot could have possibly touched hers under the narrow table etc. Not acting at all guilty, wants to talk to them both, desperate to put husband straight and wants to talk face to face with him.
FWIW we have extremely solid relationship of 20 years and trust each other implicitly with everything and I truly believe DH would not have done this.
Wife is a school mum, kids good friends, all socialise a lot together, live close etc etc.
I don't know what to do....
Am I being stupid and in denial? Do I talk to the wife? Can we ever get over this in a friendship group even if it is a silly misunderstanding?
I don't know if there are any issues in this couples' marriage and whether the husband is looking for trouble.
Any advice/thoughts much appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:23

This guy is constantly in the pub, we're worried he has already or will tell other people.... it's a village environment too. Thinking about it now, I can't believe how difficult he has now made things for his wife, if she is guilty or not

OP posts:
justasking111 · 06/05/2019 22:24

We went to a friends house one evening (knew through school) OH could not get out of there quick enough. The woman had been putting her foot up and down OH`s leg. Scared the bejaysus out of him.

Another time a friends husband left her for another woman, she called around when she knew I was at work crying, OH thought ah gin (idiot) so he plied her with a large one. She then made a pass at him. He told me and said to tell her not to call around again when I was out.

These things do happen, the thing is to back off smartish from people like this.

kiki22 · 06/05/2019 22:25

I think it's very iffy that the wife and your dh were playing footsie the husband sat back and watched waited days, sends you an sms then refuses to speak to your DH.

Sounds really off to me. If I thought my mate was doing something dodgy with my dp I would not sit back watching or wait days (if drunk I would likely be rather dramatic) I would certainly be happy to have a ding dong with my mate about it not refuse to speak to them.

Somethings not right

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:25

DramaRama he was VERY drunk, more so than when he normally goes out for a night

OP posts:
Serin · 06/05/2019 22:26

This reminds me of an incident when a school run Dad accused my friends DH of having an affair with his wife.
It was awful, he came to their house shouting that he was going to kill him. Police had to be called, friends husband is a lawyer (luckily) but it was all very horrible.
Anyway, they avoided each other afterwards and a couple of years later the same man accused someone else of the same thing.
Turned out he was just a controlling, paranoid, bully.
My friend never doubted her husband for a minute, go with your instincts OP.

NorthernRunner · 06/05/2019 22:27

Surely if they were drunk it could have just been a case of losing control of limbs? I’m pregnant so haven’t drunk in ages, but for me, the first sign I’ve had one too many is that my arms and legs just wobble. I can hold a conversation and be totally coherent but I’m like mr jelly

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:29

So what's your theory kiki22? Could it not be he wanted to ask her first (she was away for weekend) and now he has seen her answer he's realised it was something she's admitting to?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 06/05/2019 22:32

My theory is that the whole thing is bollocks.

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:32

Thank you serin, I don't doubt him actually. Am happy with most posters' theories as think they're possible. Need to consider that this guy is possibly controlling, paranoid etc. He shows no signs of this on the outside

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:34

Ps. My DH wants to meet him tomorrow. Do I let him go alone or go too? I'm worried if he is a bit of an undercover bully troublemaker, things could get nasty...

OP posts:
Anothernick · 06/05/2019 22:34

This seems odd. The friend's husband is casting a cloud of suspicion on the basis of what on the surface appears to be very flimsy evidence. Why might he be doing that? It does look as though he is trying to blame his wife for something and I think you would be well advised to tell the other couple that you take your husband's denial at face value at this stage and make it clear to them that you don't intend to take things any further and consider the matter closed. I suggest you keep them at a distance and neither you nor your husband see either of them alone. Your husband will be only too glad to avoid them if he is innocent. Take a few weeks to let the dust settle and consider your husband's reaction and behaviour before doing anything hasty.

PinkCrayon · 06/05/2019 22:35

Can you get your dh and her in a room together? See what they both have to say? It may help you read the situation better.

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:35

X post Anothernick, agreed

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:36

Scary pinkcrayon! And so awkward!

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 06/05/2019 22:38

My x was controlling. From the outside he was wonderful.
From what you have said I think your DH is not the problem

LizzieSiddal · 06/05/2019 22:38

I don’t think your h should go and meet him. What good will come of a meeting?

LillithsFamiliar · 06/05/2019 22:39

I don't think it's wise for your DH to go to see him alone. It also doesn't help you to get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
Confused89899 · 06/05/2019 22:41

Thank you redshoe, reassuring.
Yes, you're right and cements my opinion he shouldn't meet him. Or if he does I should be there

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/05/2019 22:45

It would be a really good way for an abuser to isolate his spouse.

And enforce the conversation there was definitely more hints that her husband is an abuser than hints that your husband is a cheater.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/05/2019 22:47

Before the conversation! Before!

Not enforce!

PerspicaciaTick · 06/05/2019 22:48

I think there are reasonable odds that your DH is collateral damage in their toxic relationship. W flirts to get back at inattentive H, H sees more than there is because he is projecting his own behaviour on her, H is a drama llama who is validating his reaction by dragging you into it. Who knows. If you trust your DH and plan to continue your relationship, I would suggest dropping the pair of them and not discussing anything with them.

cockadoodledooooo · 06/05/2019 22:49

Four of you together to discuss it. Ask him why he didn't confront your DH and his DW when it happened? You'll know from your husbands reaction if he's lying hopefully.

justasking111 · 06/05/2019 22:50

Oh I would not want my OH to meet with him. That would be feeding the paranoia at the very least. Some folk are best avoided.

alreadytaken · 06/05/2019 22:52

actually saying well I suppose my foot may have touched hers under a narrow table is the response of someone who is bewildered by why anyone could possibly think that something was going on.

You dont know what the wife said - it may have been "oh dont be so silly".

Why do you doubt your husband? If someone said that about mine my response would be to laugh and say I dont think he'd do that deliberately.

Clearly this man is a real drama queen, making a meal out of something which even if true doesnt necessarily mean more than a bit of flirting when drunk.

happymum12345 · 06/05/2019 22:53

Bless you. Trust your instincts. If you think he didn’t do anything, then I would leave it. I wouldn’t mix with the other couple again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread