Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

The flat is the option you choose if you plan to go back to him.

The refuge is the option you choose if you're planning to leave then, and permanently.

OP, you say you hope for a less inflammatory response by not entering a refuge, but he's not rationale and you haven't been able to control his responses to any issue so far. You've tried hard enough, it's time to prioritise you and your dc, he'll get angry either way because he's going to lose control of you all in both scenarios. Option 1 he will take the opportunity to regain that control Option 2 you will all be safe from any attempt regardless.

thank you for all the kind offers of beds and floors. I am overwhelmed. I am in the south-east, just outskirts of London. I have friends who would put me up if I knocked on the door with DC in tow. Thank you all.

Flat is in a street where I am on 'hello' terms with neighbours. I think they are the kind of people who would call the police if there was a commotion. H does not have a key.

There is heating of sorts, and warm water but not bath or shower facility (because of plumbing issue). I could get a sofa from freecyle or similar and then would have to find a way to buy some beds - or at least mattresses I suppose. These are my two financial hurdles: Plumber and beds.

This feels overwhelming. I know I need to find a resource inside of me to make that push but I'm scared and I'm struggling . I have to go and get bits ready for DC school tomorrow then I'll come back and read properly.

Refuge does sound amazing. All that support around you. But I am way too frightened to take that step :(

With regards to the flat you're still trying to minimise his response. It feels "safer" to you. But it really really isn't.

Please ring WA and get out safely.
Your flat can be your backup. After you've been to a refuge and dealt with all the injunctions and legal stuff you need.

I grew up in exactly the same household. My brother two years younger and much easier going. My dad despised me, my mum was terrified of him, but I'm now NC with her (he left years ago). I know she was scared but she kept us in that house with him, because she was too scared to make a life of her own and with us. Once I had my DD I couldn't understand how she'd done that to us.
Your children are being abused every day, I know you are scared, I know he's made you question your self worth but you can do this. You're on here, looking for help. Please use the collective wisdom people are offering you and run away as fast as you can. His feelings don't matter, yours do.

Sending hugs and courage to you.

Inflatable mattresses as a temp?
Giant Building trug to wash in until plumber is sorted?
It’s doable.
But when you’re there, seek help !

I haven't seen this linked here, but wondering have you read the sticky thread at the top of this board, WoodforTrees:For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and are feeling so scared. This feeling tho is what WA could help you with...why not get in touch and run your plan past them and see how it sounds to them as professionals? As others have said you want to go to the flat but what this is doing is giving him a huge warning that you’re thinking of leaving him and so the abuse is likely to escalate. Please factor this in to any decisions. I know what you mean about freecycle but by the time you’ve factored in collection you might as well have Argos delivered something:

www.argos.co.uk/product/8372572

www.argos.co.uk/search/double-air-bed/?clickOrigin=searchbar:productdetails:auto:air+bed:double+air+bed

Whatever you decide to do - good luck. It’s absolutely awful what you’ve been put through

If you go to a refuge he will not know where you are. You will be able to block his number and you will get help to take legal steps to remove him from the house or sell it so that you can get the flat up to standard. It will be hard but you could do it.

Otherwise it's a matter of finding the money to get the flat habitable. Can you ask any friends to lend you the money? I have friends who have savings and could lend me a couple of thousand pounds to be paid back over at £100 a month or so. Do you have anyone who has the money and you feel close enough to ask?

You've done so well!

What's more frightening: exploring a refuge or his rages and spit and violence?

I understand you are scared of everything right now - an abuser has ground you down.

But the unknown future without him (safe in a refuge, because they will take you in) is a lot less scary than the known future with a violent man - more violence, more rage, possible injury or death.

Don't tell him you are going. Please call womens aid, tell the police, tell friends.

I know you're frightened. But the future with you and the kids in a safe place with support around you is one that you WILL face, you will live and you will thrive.

You cannot guarantee this under his roof. Please run

My father was just like this. He unleashed all of his rage on my mum, not physically but with a constant barrage of verbal abuse and endless rants about every single aspect of her character, all topped off with a toxic dose of paranoia and jealousy. It was a horrendous situation to be in as a child and has left me and my siblings with a lot of anxiety as adults.

My mum did leave, though. She packed a couple of cases one day before he got home from work and we fled to stay with friends of hers. It was a very stressful time for us all, as my dad would find out where we were staying and turn up banging on the door and we’d have to move to another friend’s house. This went on for months.
He broke an injunction against him repeatedly and in those days the police didn’t take domestic abuse seriously, so weren’t helpful at all. He continued to stalk my mum for several years and would turn up at our house banging on the door and shouting.

Leaving him was the best thing she ever did, though. She changed the course of our childhoods by giving us a peaceful home free from his awful, irrational rage.

This all happened 30 odd years ago now and I have to say, my father has only become worse with age - even more angry, bitter and abusive. Thank God my mum is free of him.

You must leave. I really think women’s aid and a refuge would be so much better for you and your children than the flat. You will need a lot of support to get through this. Take it.

And if you can get into London, you can come to my house. No beds free but you can sleep in mine, there are two couches so I would happily sleep on the floor as long as you were safe. East London. I'm being serious, this is a serious situation.

Oh OP what an awful situation for you. I have lived with a man like your husband - thankfully no children - and you know, as I do, that it only ever gets worse. You must leave and as soon as you possibly can.

Also, just wanted to echo the pp who suggested you at least run your exit plan by Women’s Aid. Leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous period for women and children. WA will be able to advise.

Hi OP.

I'm going to vote for a refuge for you I'm sorry to say.

I'll explain why.

If you go to a crumby flat - that is going to be the biggest slap in the face for him that ever he has been slapped.

I feel that there is more going on here than him being an abusive bastard.
On more than one occasion you have mentioned that you fear he will kill you.
He has already assaulted you and your dd (that's what throwing water over you is considered by police). It's not just you who's in danger.
In the flat, you have no support, maybe air mattresses, no hot water or heating and you are highly likely to go back. You are not safe there. You've mentioned telling him that you will go there.
You would be bringing your children with you and that will infuriate him.

I'm now going to post a link to how this could play out. I encourage you to read the link.

www.irishtimes.com/news/ireland/irish-news/clodagh-hawe-s-sister-we-don-t-know-what-the-truth-is-1.3806024

If you google Clodagh Hawe - there are hundreds of articles. He was the pillar of the community. He was buried alongside the family he murdered. He was a sports coach and a school teacher.

What has come out since is that his wife Clodagh was being very badly abused (at least emotionally) by him. Blessedly, her family - namely her sister and dm, are articulate and brave. They've spoken at length about how she lived in fear of him - subtle, but noticed with hindsight.

FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE REASONS, I'm going to vote for a refuge.

I was moved out of the borough - to the borough of Westminster - last place he'd have thought to look for me lol. But you're going to need police buy-in on all this. I slept the first night on the floor of a police custody suite - it's like a set of offices police have.

I'm not going to tell you that a refuge is going to be available immediately after your first call. Particularly with two children. So plant for at least a week from the minute you make your first call.

Your first call should be to police 101. You need to emphasise that you don't feel in immediate danger but that you wish to make a complaint/statement against your husband re coercive control. Ahead of that statement have a written list - include dates/times/witnesses etc. This is important. A vague 'he's an asshole' unfortunately won't get you too far. It will however give you an 'in' with Women's Aid. Then you get on to them (police can assist you with that call if you wish).

I wouldn't have written this essay if I didn't care. Please take it from me, that I have read what you've written and I'm hearing maybe more than you intended.

Best of luck. x

I agree with all the pp saying go to a refuge.

In the flat there is no real security and I'm assuming he will no where it is.

With a refuge, you and your children will have heating, plumbing, food, beds and security. You don't have to tell him you've gone to a refuge. He never needs to know. Please put your children's safety first and leave before they are seriously damaged, physically or emotionally!

Can you 100% say he hasn't got a key to the flat? If he's had access to it, there is always the chance he's made a copy.

That would be my honest concern, and why I think you will be safer in a refuge until the storm has passed. That's what they do.... support you, help you get stronger. And you are going to need every ounce of it

Whilst not ideal, inflatable mattresses are cheap, if you contact the police they will enable to to remove your belongings safely including some essential furniture, cooking equipment etc. Please consider contacting a refuge organisation for help, they can help you with the flat and advise on safety. There's lots of orgs that have second hand furniture for those in need or try larger churches etc

Just to note - the first day you arrive at the refuge, if it's during office hours, you will have an appointment where they will make an application on your behalf for Universal Credit and Housing Benefit (they're combined now). The housing benefit component pays for the refuge.

Until you get your benefits - the refuge will have things like shampoo/toothpaste etc. Pret a manger also used to bring their unsold stock in at about 5am in the morning, so you can have something to eat.

If you're moved to a different district, they will try to accomodate transport costs to school for the children. It will all fall into place.

You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for op

With the refuge option, I would still see him. There are commitments that I have, places I have to go to and he could just turn up and then it would be even worse. The DC would still have to go to school - we wouldn't be under the radar. I can't just disappear and I know that I would be safe whilst in there, but I also know he would be ten times more volatile, and that I can't hide forever.

Please someone tell me this makes sense?

If you knocked on my door now, you would have no idea. DD is in her room doing homework, DS and H are watching football and eating giant ice-cream sundaes and I am in the bathroom on the laptop. I think H has behaved so repulsively this weekend that he's worn himself out. I am just staying out of his way and counting my blessings for this short respite. I know it won't last long - maybe hours maybe a day. But maybe minutes too...

Everything feels surreal. It's like I have been watching someone go though this but not been present and now I'm waking up. Him throwing water at me and DD this morning was like the slap I needed. How DARE he. Poor poor DD.

To the lovely poster who asked people not to be so harsh. You are right, I am not going to give people the speedy and dramatic response they want but I have reached a kind of crossroads that I've never been to before. I honestly felt like driving into a wall earlier and I don't want to feel like that any more. I know i need to put my DC first.

And to those who think I am putting H's ego before my DC, I promise you I am not. Unless you have lived with someone whose appearance and reputation matters so much, who truly believes in the superior nature of the Patriarchy and who's own father comes from a country where Shame is about the worst thing that can happen to a family, you really can't imagine how much of a trigger 'embarrassment' can be. I am putting DC first, and managing (as much as I can) HOW I approach the next step is very much with them in mind.

Let the police make the call on whether you're safe enough to leave or whether you need a refuge.

But I would plead with you to be 100% honest with police particularly re things such as the assault with the water, and the threats to kill, the ranting and raving to himself, pacing etc.

Whatever I do next, I promise to call WA tomorrow.