Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

I'm so scared for you OP. Does he go to an office or make site visits for his business? You can give him the slip then, keep the kids off school because they're sick

Sorry if there is someone you can trust...

So do you place your shit of a husband's ego above the safety of your precious, innocent children?? Really??
I completely understand your predicament and can empathise with you, as well as sympathise, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but really - this man is dangerous.

You will never regret leaving. You will always regret staying. ALWAYS.
You need to put your children first.
This piece of shit will be ok. Your children will NOT if you continue to expose them to this kind of behaviour.
You have the power to change this. You can do this xxx

It doesn't matter that he was lovely pre-dc. Abusers often are because they still have your full attention and adoration. It seems like your husband has become like this since having dc which is a classic sign of an abuser - they have you locked down and can begin to treat you like the possession that they see you as.

Why are you doing the leaving? Why can't you change the locks when he's out and call the police? I'm not sure how injunctions work but surely this merits one? If it is that you can't pay the mortgage then put in a claim for benefits.

If you can't do the above then a refuge is the only other option.

Your dc have only ever known this life. Please show them something else before it is ingrained in them that this is how a relationship works.

Thinking of you OP.

Just over a year ago, I wanted to leave ( bad relationship but nothing as extreme as yours ) & was so scared I wouldn’t be able to afford a place on my own & make it work.

Now, I am so grateful to my previous self that I made a leap of faith. Life is tough at times but always, always 100% better than if I had stayed.

The sense of freedom I have now & hope for the future is amazing!

Best of luck, I wish you all the best for you & your kids. Please, please leave.

He doesn’t need to know you are going to a refuge!
He doesn't to need to know you’re going at all.....he threw away any right to know where you’re going when he began his abuse.
I hope you get away before something any more awful happens to you or the children. He sounds awful.

Can people please consider that whilst they may be genuinely well intended, some of the comments being made are seriously lacking in empathy. Some of them are actually borderline abusive. Dictating to, shaming and criticising a victim of abuse is unhelpful and bloody hypocritical. Victims generally can't progress as fast as you'd like them to because by the time they realise they need help they've had most of their spirit sapped by the abuse. Be gentle and compassionate or just be quiet.

Op can you break down the practical situation in the flat so we can offer solutions there.
Do you have running water?
Heating?
Is it plastered, or really a shell?
It may not be as mammoth as you think.
You need to leave.
I’ve been where you are...
In fact, I’ve been so exactly where you are i could barely read your post. I promise you light at the end of the tunnel.
I had to, like a previous poster, take a leap in the dark and hope someone would catch me.
It was hard, but like the other poster, I thank the glimmer of sanity in my lowest moments as fueling my escape path.
A refuge would be good for you.

Well done for taking this really important step. We are your friends here and we are all good people rooting for you so lean on us. Make plans quickly then start your new life before summer - imagine how marvellous that will be x

You know yourself this will not get better. Depending on where you live, you will have a range of options. www.safelives.org.uk/node/278 There are protective orders that you can use to get your partner to leave but they will involve calling the police, which for many women is a huge step, that is without cost. Civil orders cost money and you need to act fast at a time when you are most confused. You are now in fear of your life and that of your children. I do appreciate you are trying to survive and what a job you have done. Base your decision on what you know and not what you hope for. You know best the risk he poses, my strong advice is if you decide to go do not tell him. Do you have a friend or family member who can let you stay with short term? You are not alone. Take care lass and be safe x

OP

Re read your post as if it is from a stranger.

The post your reply on here.

OP, you brave, brave lady! Just to add my voice to the others. It's just about doing the next right thing. You don't have to fix everything today - just make the call to WA. Then the next right thing will present itself.
We are all here for you - please keep talking to us - and make sure your husband can't find this thread.

Yes. It’s amazing the wealth of knowledge this bunch of strangers on the internet has.
We are with you.
There are legal experts, plumbers, benefits experts, therapists, women who will drive 200 miles in the night to pick you up, doctors , people who know where to source furniture for free, people who can point you towards cheap rooms, everything...there’s just so much help out there.
Just make a tiny step and ask women’s aid for advice. Keep posting.
The shame is all his.

WoodforTrees, your husband sounds like my father, who was diagnosed later with several mental health problems.
You said this guy was once your best friend and is now clearly unhappy. I think the best you can do for him is getting him to see a psychiatrist. Ask your GP if there's a way you can force him to do this. He might be a danger for himself as well.
Get away from him, and get the children away from him. They might look like they are not being affected but I think they are being severely damaged. No amount of therapy when they are adults will compensate for a childhood living in fear.

Op can I draw your attention to ‘the keep’ app from the cithrah foundation.
The app hides as a reminders app in the victims phone. It allows you to record incidences of violence , abuse or coercive behaviour with accuracy. It will help you keep a record of abuse with times and dates and may help you in the event of a future court case, if ever there was one. Not just a court case, but also reports for police, women’s services etc.

I’d say escape first then he can deal with his own psychiatric problems later. There is potential for a huge escalation of violence if suggesting an abuser needs psychiatric help and will alert him to your thought track.

OP please get all important documents, bank details, yours and the kids' passports etc and get them out the house. Get them hidden. Get pictures of his bank statements and anything that proves how much he earns, how much he has in savings. It's a small but vital step in regaining control. There might not be an escape tonight, but you've made a massive step today.

Please also tell someone in real life who can check in on you.

After you have left and reported him and you are safe, you can explain to his business partner that you believe he needs mental health support.

Also it can give you headspace to pack a little bag with some toothbrushes, soap, light changes of clothes and leave it with a friend, , or at the flat. Even just disguise it in a carrier bag or whatever and don’t let your partner or children see it. In case you need to dash to a premier inn in an emergency.

Hello.

In haste.

Have scanned responses and will read in details a bit later.

My scan throws up refuge, refuge, refuge. I thought that it would be safer to make a less dramatic / more subtle exit - I am hoping that if I go to the flat I will get a bit of a "Good - fuck off then" and he will feel like it's on his terms. I don't give a fuck about pride, this just seems like a less dangerous route. Does anyone else with experience recognise my logic here? Am I thinking this completely wrong?

I'll be back as soon as I can.

And thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

How is the flag in terms of safety? Are there close neighbours? Is it in a block? Does he have a key?

Flat

He may start saying it’s unsuitable conditions for the kids? And come round on that basis?

I see your logic. If you feel safer that way then that's what you do. Speak to the Refuge people anyway.

If you're in Scotland or the north of England, I have spare beds and the means to get them to you.

Subtle probably doesn’t protect you, tbh.
You need to get legal really.
Sorry