Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Another one saying refuge. The time when you leave is the most dangerous. The behaviour you have described makes him sound completely unhinged and I'd be worried that if you told him you were going to the flat, he'd escalate and snap.

Refuges are secure and they will have the expertise to be able to guide you in terms of solicitors and next steps.

Did you click on the story I linked to OP? Shame and embarrassment would have been massive to that man. He murdered his wife and 3 children. Just across the water in Ireland.

You are paralysed with fear, aren't you love? It comes through your posts. Because you are constantly thinking about what he might do and say, and I know how hard it is to break free from that mentality. You'll second guess everything and run it through your mind, trying to predict what will happen.

He sounds so rage filled that I don't think he'll let you piss off to the flat. Who will he bully then? Think about it logically. Or he'll get 50/50 custody and start on the kids in lieu of raging at you. I don't think he'll just shrug and give up - these people don't. Because there is something wrong with him and you can no longer anticipate his actions reliably. You need to break away from the mentality that you can control the situation because 'you know him best' and think you can anticipate what he will do.
I hate saying this and I'm so sorry but I do think if you don't get yourself and the kids out on the right way, carefully and without telling him, he will end up killing you. Or them, or both.

The most dangerous time statistically for a woman in your situation is when she tells the man she is leaving. Please please be careful. Start by opening up to one friend - just one friend, and then another, and then phone women's aid, and tell your GP the truth, all of it. You need to get this logged as, if you are fortunate enough to escape unscathed, he'll start battling you for the children. And so you need other people involved so he can't start on them in the future when you are not around.

I know you're not in my area but if you ever need a floor to sleep on in the south west, you are welcome to use mine. Best of luck OP.

Don't be discouraged if you don't get through on your first attempt to call WA. Plan for an hour, then anything less is a bonus.

Another one recommending a refuge. He doesn’t have to know that’s where you’ve gone. Let him worry about face saving.

Calling WA is a huge step forward.

Good luck. And I wish you a happy future away from this monster.

If he kicks off again , ring the police. They can get you out safely & put an order in place to prevent him from coming near you until you can see a solicitor to go to court to get a non molestation order. If I was you whenever he goes out, I would use that time to collect bank statements, wage slips, birth certificates, passports etc & if you have long enough, take clothes & things for you & your children to the flat so that if you have to go quickly you have enough to manage. Get as much cash as you can, use cashback when you do the shopping, open another account if you can, use the flat address, put the card with your things at the flat so he can't take it. I would also change the locks on the flat in case he has copies of the keys & get a chain on the door & a cheap pay as you go mobile in case he has used a tracker on your phone. Once you are out & free from him, you will wonder how you survived living with him, good luck.

He works, you freelance if I recall - I take it you'll have time in the morning to call WA? OP - I'd change your password on your laptop. I'd also delete your browsing history. I know this sounds all a bit drama llama but you can't be too sure.

Ok. If not a refuge, then you can take legal steps to have him removed from the property.
If you make a statement to the police about the physical and emotional abuse he should be arrested and bailed for 28 days. That will give you time to change the locks and apply for an occupation order and non molestation order. He CAN be kept away from you. The police can make him.

I just seen the flat is a mess, do you have any friends or relations who could help sort it to make it liveable?

OP - it might be worth wondering to yourself - why are so many posters saying refuge?

The normal advice is LTB, hire a shit hot lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Change the locks and bag up his belongings and leave them outside the door.

Ask yourself this - Why is nobody giving me that advice? What do you think the answer is?

He is a bast**rd

I am so sorry

Get you and kids to flat ASAP

Call police
This is long term abuse
I'm just recovering from my own hello
I know what It feels like

Plus
I felt so bad for the ex
Worried about him
What will he think - how will he cope
It got worse and I almost died

Please post on here i love this site as many great people helped me

So sorry

You do sound strong
NEVER LOOK BACK

Op if I randomly knocked on your door now and your husband was having tea with the vicar, Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama and all the mums from the school run...
If he was weaving fairy gardens out of silk threads and playing the harp and baking fairy cakes with the kids...
On the basis of what you’ve said in this post I’d still see him as an abuser forever more.
It’s important to remember that because these men are masters of the double persona.
But people DO believe you. They see it and they believe you . They make their judgement quietly but don’t for one second feel that you wouldn’t be believed. So many women have been where you are, sadly.

Op, you cannot manage him. Currently, you have a dangerously thin veneer of control over the situation. This is easily punctured, as you know, the minute you don't do as he commands.

You can only manage your own safety and that of your dc.

...by getting well away from him

AginNAgin - I did read the link, yes. Awful. And frightening.

I will have time to call WA in the morning, yes. And I will.

RhubarbTea - Yes that's exactly how I feel. Paralysed with fear. My brain is constantly weighing up the possible outcomes of anything I do. That's pretty much how I operate full time now. If I do this, will H do that? It's exhausting.

It's so hard because there is no logic to work with. Everything is chaos, unpredictability, random and jagged.

@MummyParanoia101 very weirdly came on to write exactly the same (Sherburn in Elmet).

Have spare rooms and can pick up. Stay safe OP.

My mum and myself/siblings left my father in similar circumstances.

What I would say is please do not underestimate how dangerous he could become.

If he knows where the flat is it is simply not safe.
Men do drastic and very dangerous things when women leave. Escalation is common and his behaviour is already very extreme (you read stories of men setting fire to the flats of ex’s and children while they sleep)
I don’t mean to scare you but it happens.

My father did something similar at a property we (thankfully) weren’t at and then stalked and threatened myself and my mother for months at our places of work/education...

re: commitments
You will likely need to tell the school and any place of work etc
You will need to vary your routine
You should/will need to involve the police (there is no shame in this)

The refuge is a good option and will protect you.

Things like keeping Timmy’s routine and going to football club as usual etc simply aren’t a priority.

We gave up a lot to leave him - he was unhinged and I was/am very quite angry my mother as she went to such lengths to avoid involving police/prosecuting him. (Including getting my aunt to cover up for him and claiming his break in / smash up of her house as a random burglary where nothing was stolen )

We left with pretty much the clothes on our back in the middle of the night with no warning and I have no regrets because I truly believed he could very easily have killed my mother.

What if he did something to you - you must consider the worst outcomes and think of your children.

The fear is so real though and I know how difficult the whole process it is.

Good luck, you are very brave

Please please please consider help from refuges, police, Women's aid, GP... try as many services as you can until you feel a tiny bit safer.

Focus on your kids and that by leaving you are teaching them bravery and healthy boundaries and independence. They will be proud of you, even if in the short term they are confused or upset.

Focus on the relationships you want them to have in the future - you being so brave now would be an incredible example for them to have in mind should they have relationship challenges in future.

I feel such an overwhelming need to hug you and make it better (as I think lots of us do on here) so just wanted to remind you we are behind you not just sending you so much love but on hand to help in practical terms too - advice on the practicalities of leaving / legalities etc

So please keep talking to us so we can all show the best of the sisterhood - raising each other up when we need help xxx

I have been you. Right down to the water thrown over me like I was hysterical cat.

You won’t ever appease a man who thinks the greatest shame is a woman doing anything he doesn’t approve of. You know that, truly.

Today 21:17 Prawnofthepatriarchy

I haven't seen this linked here, but wondering have you read the sticky thread at the top of this board, WoodforTrees:For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge?

Please do read this ^^

And I promise you the second the ball starts rolling It gets easier. I promise.

Half because there's no going back and half because you think right FUCK IT let's just get as much of the horrible initial bits done as quickly as possible.

We are all so so so here for you xxx

Ps other MNetters - it's too soon maybe now but perhaps if OP would like, then any old timers like myself can share in the coming weeks previous threads showing specific MNetters journeys from initial fear to new life, there have been so many inspiring ones over the past few years with endless advice in each one. Just a thought.

Hi OP he’s abusing you - he’s not like this with anyone else.
He’s a bully. Please get out. I know it’s tough - I’ve been there.
🌺🌺

OP seriously, I'm beds herts border 35 mins by train to kings x. I have two spare rooms, live alone (plus cat) and can accommodate you and DC no problem whatsoever. Just PM me.

I think I get what you're saying, you're trying to evolve a different way of life, one that he can either believe he instigated, or come to see himself as the winner/hard done by victim. Some way of saving his ego. Because you're afraid that if he feels threatened, he'll attack. And a refuge would seem like a threat to his sense of self.

The problem is you are not in his mind, so you can't tell what will be the most acceptable to him. And you say he's unpredictable/hugely changed from the man you knew, so you gauging his responses is abit if a scary gamble

I agree 100% that you would be sensible to tell your friends. You need to build up a network of real life support who know the score for you for what is ahead. I'd also tell the school that you might be having to suddenly take kids out for a few days with short notice. You will not be the first or last to tell them this.

I'd also tell your Gp and your boss at work if you have one. I had a colleague in a not dissimilar situation and it was kind of a gift when she told us, as we could then support and help her.

I can get a double bed to you if you need one in your flat.

You've broken through that frozen feeling. You're alive again, and that is terrifying but it is also the only way you will find your way out.

Sorry one more thing - if there are people you trust who you know aren't big fans of his then REALLY consider telling them you are feeling controlled and frightened even if you don't tell them everything. You can tell them you aren't sure what to do next but want someone else to know because you're scared.

The friends can then do kind of informal welfare checks on you and god forbid anything happens (even if someone just can't get hold of you because he's taken your phone for example) they can then "pop by" to check all ok?