Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Your long post is exactly why you need to go to a refuge even if it means going in the clothes you are standing up in and your birth certificates and passports.

It is utterly chilling, if you go to the flat what's to stop him following?

My goodness, I think you've lived with this for so long you are a bit desensitised to how truly abusive his behaviour is. Your children must be scared of him.

If you went to a refuge, you could leave whilst your husband is out and he would never know where the refuge is. You could then get help to claim any benefits you may be entitled to and get the flat organised from a place of safety.

If you are happy to do so, can you give an idea of which part of the country you're in? Posters may know of local organisations that may be able to help you.

If he throws things at you or jabs you again, please call the Police.

My ex husband sounds remarkably like your husband - whispering under currents of drivel to me, shouting, throwing things etc.

Mine went absolutely insane when I left - trashed the house, went screaming hysterically to the neighbours and phoned everyone he could think of (including my family) to say the children and I had died in a car accident.

The PLUS POINT was - I was in a refuge. So in my own room, door with CCTV and access code closed behind us. I turned the phone off for 3 days and then dealt with the fall out.

Honestly - I think it would be a good move for you.

@woodfortrees I was you 3 months ago. My children are younger one day we had a similar incident and I surprised us both by throwing him out clean on his arse and locking the door behind him. I do not recommend this course of action it’s dangerous but what I will say is that for the first time in years my children are being children sleeping well laughing. I sleep well I’m still scared but I’ve learned to stop thinking about him first. My life is finally my own. You have been groomed to accept the abuse and put his needs above your own Get help get to the refuge sod his ego so what if he’s embarrassed n starts raging he’s always raging anyway by the sounds of him. He should be ashamed of his behaviour and so what if people know that he’s a monster. Alcohol amplifies what’s already inside you. Women’s aid will help you or a local DA helpline please call someone just to talk it through. I know that stbxh rages would have led to him killing the children and me that made my mind up

PS - no way could I have dealt with talking about my marriage on the phone to women’s aid. I can barely talk about it 14 years later.

So all my dealings with them were my email - perhaps this would suit you as well?

I know you are making steps to leave and that takes an enormous amount of strength - every second your children are in this environment they are being irreversibly damaged.

Of course he will rage and shout when you leave but you say he rages and shouts and is nasty to you all at the slightest thing and all the time. The difference is you would be away from him and things would steadily improve from there.

Re the refuge - if this is the best way to get away from him quickly, why does it matter how it feels? How would he know where you are? You don’t owe him ANYTHING and you can keep your children safe from him.

My heart honestly breaks for you reading this.

Do you have good friends who you trust? If so, why is it you won’t discuss this with them? It’s not a similar situation but I’ve had horrible/depression anxiety in my life and I always thought I would never ever ever ever talk to any of my friends about it. It was simply unimaginable. But I have, and they’ve been wonderful and now I feel silly for not talking to them before.

The other issue is, by telling strangers online and not friends who love you, you don't have to actually do anything about your situation, or face up to it in real life.

Are you using MN as an outlet for your feelings rather than as a way of helping yourself leave?

I’m in the Welsh Marches if that’s helpful. It’s unlikely you’re local (no one is!!)

TooTrueToBeGood Mon 06-May-19 19:14:48
At the moment, you're in a cage of your own making because you're focusing on the problems and disregarding all possible solutions.

This rings so true. I recognise that I have boxed myself in with fear and what ifs. I think that's why i am fixated on the flat. I feel like it's a step I can take without things escalating too much too fast. It makes me less fearful because it's less likely to provoke anger.

Option 1: I can see that I am making you angry, I thought I would give you space and go to the flat for a while.

Option 2: I am leaving you whilst you are at work. I am going where abused women go and where they won't let you over the threshold. Just by my being there, it is confirmed that you are an abuser.

Option 1 is a step, but it's less inflamatory (in his eyes). I know everyone is saying fuck his opinion, but I am projecting to the outcome of his opinion if that makes sense....

If I can help in any way please pm me. My situation was not quite like yours but I empathise with the fear and living for years in a bonkers world. I have got out, it wasn't easy but I feel safe now

I have to go home for a bit now. I'll come back to this as soon as I can.

Thank you thank you

But he can come to the flat, then what?

What if he insists you can't take the DC?

You need to leave without warning him.

Is the marital home owned or rented? You could go to the refuge then sort out appropriate housing, gauge his reaction etc.

He is very likely to be incredibly angry either way that you have dated to leave him the consequences could be awful.

You don't tell him you're leaving.

2 spare rooms here in North Yorkshire between York & Leeds. I have experience of DV too

It is not safe to leave the DC with him. They need to be with you.

At least if you went to a refuge, there would be people there and protection. If you stay at the flat, presumably he can get in? He's obviously mentally unstable. Have you never called the police when he's gone off on one of his terrifying rants?

You are making excuses for him.

Just leave when he's at work & get to a place of safety (refuge).

If you're in a refuge, you're at least physically safe from him and around people who can support you and the facilities will be working.

Don't discount this option because you're afraid of how it will 'look.' You should aim to be very low contact to NC as soon as you leave anyhow

It won't work to try and appease him by leaving in small baby steps

You have been trying to keep him sweet for decades. It's not working. Something has to change and it needs to be your mindset.

Please don’t tell him that you are leaving.

In the manner of all abusive men, if you signpost you are leaving he will escalate.

Your children will in danger from him. This is where family annihilators get their justification from. They see their women and children as possessions and if they cannot have them, no one else can.

Dont tell him you are leaving ...but please think about if there is you can trust and tell them so they can offer support to you

Don't tell him when you go. That's THE red rag to a bull. He won't be able to track you down to a refuge or get in.

Please please please just get as much paperwork and any small valuables, grab the kids and go. Can you invent a long appointment or a shopping trip?

You and your children are in grave danger. I have worked in trauma services for children who have witnessed their father killing their mother and I am very, very worried for you. Please don't try to appease him or go to a place where he knows the address/has a key. You need a refuge, and an injunction. Please listen to all the warnings.

You have been really brave posting. I bet if you took your DD to that flat and asked if she would rather live there than at home she would say yes. The only think I wanted in life when I left my abusive DP was to fall asleep at night without anyone in my home that could hurt me either with words or actions. I think you should go to your GP and tell her everything the ranting to himself makes me feel like he should almost be sectioned for his own mental health. Keep strong but just think this. What is the worst he could do if you just left and let the whole world know Police and all that he is abusing you, what would he actually do. Sometimes the reality is less scary than the thought. If you actually think he could hurt you or your children then you are more at risk than you are even admitting and you do need to take drastic steps.