Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Hope you are all safe and you are managing to keep going with those steps in the right direction.

Wood
Check in box on a bit xxx

I can see why the flat feels like.a better option but I'm not sure it is... he sounds very dangerous. When you pull the plug you want to be far away and safe. A refuge is an unknown location to him and whatever the fall out and rage, you and the kids won't be in the firing line.

Start making a mental list of what you would need to take/prepare e.g.
Passports
Bank details
USB with all your photos
Open a separate bank account and use the flat as the address (if safe to do so) so you could transfer money quickly
Sentimental items for you/children
Look on Kon Mari blogs and start thinking about ways you could take sentimental things with you e.g. get all the kids baby clothes made into a teddy and store at the flat
Ask friends if they have an old phone they aren't using (make an excuse that yours is broken) so you can't be traced. Get a new sim for it.

Hi just popped in to say I hope you are ok and to send you best wishes.

I know it’s not easy but you CAN do it. You have been strong enough to live it. Now you are getting more strength to get away safely.

Still here :) Thank you all my most patient MNers. I know that I am not going fast as most of you would hope I would but this isn't because I am not listening. I am listening and reading and re-reading and trying to take it all in really. At this moment, everything is calm and reading the thread feels like I am reading about someone else. But two hours ago, H screamed at me and threw DDs Ribena at me, so....

Thank you all. I will keep you posted and also come back here to share any developments or incidents worth noting if thats ok. It's the only place I am recording it so it feels like something I could do.

Thank you especially to @Hellenbackagen for your amazingly helpful PMs.

I have been to the flat again today. I dropped a few things there - not loads that will be noticed. But toothbrushes, sleepstuff, a few changes of clothes, passports and a tiny amount of money. It's close enough that if H wondered where the passports were, I could retrieve them within twenty mins of me saying "I'll dig them out" - but hopefully it won't come to that. It's such a shame it's in such a poor state of repair there. I love being in a place with the door shut and no shouting.

Darling....you do this at your pace .

It's not anyone else's business or life.

You are doing brilliantly. Small steps are fine. You are going forward and that's the main thing! X

Wood.

Next time he does that - throws a drink over you - please know you CAN dial 999 and he would be gone .

He minute you confide in police and five tour blessing to take him away they will.
You don't have to think beyond that for now . X

*give your blessing

Bloody phone .

Keep pming me .

Little braveries. But police can take the brunt for you when you choose .
It can all be police fault and not yours and that's why you need to talk to police . Let police take the brunt for you. Xxx
When he kicks off I would be so delighted if you called 999 xx

@WoodforTrees
I've read all of this as it unfolded and you are so very brave. You may not think so but to an onlooker you are. When the fog lifts and the light of rational human behaviour appears then the truth is in sight. I'm glad you have some support both here and in real life. Baby steps so take your time, it's probably best to go slowly and surely to make your escape a certain victory.

One thing

I know your thinking about leaving to the flat.

But If you can just find the bravery and resolve to phone 999 the next time he properly kicks off HE would be the one removed giving you valuable breathing space . Once you tell police the back story- his feet wouldn't touch that threshold again promise. X

Op

At work I use these a
Lot

www.ncdv.org.uk/

Worth a look too x

They can put in place sanctions without police involvement.

I think this would be ideal for you

I know MN gets a lot of stick but I’m happy that @woodfortrees and @hellenbackagain have found each other, this is the site at its best.

Oh my OP, your posts are so utterly petrified and fear - filled, the worst I think I’ve read on MN yet.

I profoundly hope you manage to get safe release from the hell you find yourself in soonest.

im kicking myself i didnt think of NCDV before now -

clicky link above but pm'd you.

these guys are staffed by volunteer trainee laywers. they are superb.

i can refer you. or you can just call them. they dont need police involvement to help.
perfect for you situation. x

Glad you are still taking your small steps Wood! We are still listening

Role play to yourself calling police
Practice the lines. "I need help My husband has assaulted me" " i need help My husband is being violent i have dc we are scared " " need help My husband is attacking me"
You will need to either now or when you in the flat and he going crazy at the door.

How dare he treat you like this

Please please be out of there soon

This could get much worse very quickly
Will be thinking of you and your family ❤️❤️

@WoodforTrees glad to hear from you again, and that you're ok. Agree with a pp (after your last but one post) that you don't ever need to apologise to strangers on mn for not going fast enough. Everyone is frightened for your safety, which is why so many have urged you to leave quickly, but it's your life and you know best what to do, and leaving is a process.

So never apologise to us, but we would love to hear any updates and will be here for support if you ever need to vent.

I have so much respect and admiration for you. I'm just looking forward so much to when you and your DC can be in a safe place 'with the door shut and no shouting'.

Just checking in again, @WoodforTrees

I hope you are managing to keep going. I still think you are doing too much to work around your husband's awful behaviour as a result of being so used to tiptoeing around him to ensure he doesn't blow up.

However you leave, he's going to be awful about it. Going slower won't necessarily change that, and if you do it by yourself you won't have the back up of a refuge/police at the same time. Please consider that every day your children remain in this situation they are being harmed by him psychologically and it's not damage that can be repaired.

Do continue to talk to people and ask for support - they will surprise you

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to tag the OP with @ in posts. If she hasn’t switched off notifications she will be getting emails which her H could potentially read which could put her in danger.

OP you can photocopy or scan important documents if you are worried about the actuals being missed. Load stuff onto a memory stick and hide it in the flat. Same goes for photos and emotionally important things you could miss.

Be sure you have the only key and change the locks if any doubt, get a spare to your lovely friend.

Be safe online and with your phone, get a throwaway payg if you think he can track you.

You can also pick up a personal alarm really cheaply to keep at the flat so if you need to you can hopefully attract the attention of the neighbours.

Keep talking to W.A. and to your friends.

A refuge doesn't have to be permanent, it could be a night or two of safety whilst you get your flat secured or decide your next move.

Violent dangerous men scream at women and children and throw things at them. Violent men are unpredictable because they are unfettered by behavioural expectation. Your instinct is telling you he would manipulate the children, a refuge will keep them and you safe because they have robust protocol in place to deal with the unpredictable.

This is not your shame it is his.

Keep going, that moment of peace in your flat with the door closed is a taste of how every bit of life should and will be for you and your children all the time everywhere.

Download the apps Evernote and scannable.

Scan everything, all docs, bank statements etc. Everything. They will automatically be saved into Evernote.

Evernote can be added to your browser to save anything and everything. You can access everything from your phone, computer or online.

Use the time you are there to prepare.

Op
I hear you

I called women’s aid today
They referred me to a
Local agency
The agency has referred us to SS and I am waiting for a key worker who is going to help me with legal advice

We can do this

Well done brave ladies