Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

With everything you post he sounds worse. He put your dinner over your head? He locked you in the garden? WOW.

I think you should write it all down. It will be cathartic to look back on. You can also write these things in the divorce petition. You'' have it on hand for the Police.

What happens if you stand up to him? Do you ever? I'd be aghast if my DH threw dinner over me.

Just read through this thread @wood.

Heartbreaking.

I really hope things get better for you and you find the strength to escape. Im glad you have confided in a friend and the school. i hope this has brought some comfort.

I totally understand the feeling of it not being real until you admit it outloud to others.

Thinking of you and your DC xx

Have been thinking of you today. The calm before the storm thing is a worry, and you’re at the weekend again now. Please take care x

I'm scared for you. I remember that calm well.

Writing it is very important. When I got my divorce the lawyer took everything I had written over the years. It was pages and pages of abuse.

Please keep safe this weekend.

Agree writing it down is good...alongside planning to leave and taking action

Please take care Op.

I have been on MN a long long time, and read many threads about women living in horrific circumstances, that I've found upsetting.
I think this could be the worst. The very thought of him tipping food over your head leaves me tearful.

Please, please find the strength and the means to leave this monster.

Thinking of you tonight wood and hoping hellenbackagen can help with the possible police side of things. Everyone is rooting for you xx

It’s all very normal to have more positive days and ‘dead’ days like this. Someone may have said already, but domestic abuse services will tell you that women’s reluctance to leave is not an indication of weakness, but often because the women in the situation can very accurately predict how her partner will respond. Your fears about his reaction are valid, and while they should not prevent you leaving, they are to be listened to and used within your planning each of your steps. You’re doing amazingly to have told who you have told, I Hope WA are able to get back to you soon.

You may not feel it but you are coming across as a strong and courageous woman

Well done for telling your friend, she's sounds amazing and I'm sure will be great support for you x

Well done, small steps 💐

Thinking of you this weekend OP.

Stay safe.

You’ve made such tremendous steps so far - in your situation telling your friend was a big step, not little! I’m glad she’s been so wonderful and you have real life support as well as on here.

As others have said, please be very wary and careful at the moment. Do you delete your phone history? Have you been acting differently with your phone or whatever device you’re using in front of him? Is wherever you’ve been writing your account of what’s been happening secure? Please be careful xx

Well done for telling your friend. She sounds incredible.

Bloody hell lass.

I'm looking forward beyond anything to reading of you being out.

This post is heartbreaking. Sending you so many hugs. If you are in the Gloucestershire/Bristol surrounding area I’d love to do anything I can to help you. You are so brave x

Woods - been where you are and the fear is all consuming & you will be hyper vigilant. You've done really well to tell a friend. My concern is that events may overtake you as happened to me as it forces the issue into an immediate flight bit if that happens, it happens. As others have said, passports, birth certs, copies of his pay slips etc. I'm in S London & happy to help or support on any small way. Stay safe x

How are you today @WoodforTrees?

Hope you are ok @WoodforTrees?

I am here.

WA called me back and were lovely. They confirmed pretty much what you lovely lit have been saying and I talked to them for about twenty mins. They asked me if I wanted them to look for a place and I said no. Not at the moment. I know this will disappoint a lot of you but I really am so hyper vigilant about the rage and I know this is where it will lead. DC have plans at the moment that involve H, so if he can’t get to me, he will rant at them and pressure them into disclosing stuff and it’s not fair. I don’t feel strong enough or clear headed enough to put us in that position. Sorry.

Friend was away this weekend with her lovely DH. I felt envious.

Dc and I had a few things planned and it was still all quiet until Sat early evening and then I was out doing food shop and H called to moan about something, and I said I needed my hand as I was pushing trolley and could we talk later? And he just said, really casually, if you put the phone down, I’m locking you out. And I knew he would but whereas usually I would just think “oh I have to stay on the phone and listen” I thought “Oh my. This is my life. This is how I’m living and I have to get away”. It wasn’t a big thing but I did recognise how that kind of threat is not in most couples vernacular and it sort of shocked me again.

I’m rambling.

To the lovely female police officer. I would still like to Dm you. Just finding time to think what I’d like to ask.

To all of you. Sorry to not be moving quicker. I still can’t quite accept that this is DV.... it still just feels like Our Normal, but I am waking up a bit more every day.

Thank you a million times over for listening.

Don’t apologise to us Wood. You are moving forward slowly. There was a woman on here a few years ago who was in a similar situation and she had a series of threads as she gathered her strength and support and put a plan in place. I think she was called GettingStronger or similar. It took her months if not longer but she got there in the end.

It’s great you got to talk to WA. And that you have your friend to talk to.

You now have some emotional support in real life as well as here.

Stay safe @WoodforTrees.

Glad to see your update.

Well that's a good update wood and sounds like slow and steady might well be the way forward for you. So much must be going on in your mind, it takes a long time to process it and feel your way forwards. Well done.

@WoodforTrees glad to see the update, have been checking all weekend in case you dropped by and have been worried for you.

Although the update isn't what we are advising you to do, you absolutely have to do whatever keeps you and the DC's safe. The safety of you guys is absolute priority but at least you can see why everyone is so concerned.

Baby steps, one day at a time and all that..... whatever works for you really.