Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Keep kicking wood, one day, possibly when you least expect it, you will break the surface of all this and those first few lungfuls of air you will breathe in will make you realise you are finally free to live without fear

Don't apologise @WoodforTrees just keep going bit by bit 😘

I still think that you are amazing and strong. You are doing so so well to get this far. Keep going! Baby steps as everyone has said. And, I’m sure that you know this but: you don’t deserve the way he treats you. You have done nothing to cause it and you are not at fault. Even when you do something minor that sets him off - it is not your fault. Small things should not cause big reactions. I just felt you should hear that again. Xxx

Just read your latest update about locking you out if you put the phone down. This could be about my mum and dad. He nearly killed her in the end and it was us kids who called the police. We are now nc with him and full of anger and resentment towards her because she didn't keep us (mentally and emotionally) safe and we live with the guilt of being the ones to end things.
Please think very carefully about how you want this to end and how you are going to do it. You have had offers of support on here and you have real life support from WA and your friend. Please please make use of it. Yes it is scary and yes you are ground down and probably doubting your ability but I promise you the alternative is much worse. Consider the relationship you want to have with your dc in the future and use that to propel you forward.

Hey wood I'm still here , no rush at all, when you feel you want a chat pm me.

You're starting to see the light , and that can only be a good thing .

I'll be here if you want a chat lovely x

Wow, threatening to lock you out like that. What a textbook example of coercive control. I promise you that there is a better life ahead of you. Don’t grow old with this man.

@WoodforTrees, thank you for the update and please don’t be apologising to anyone. I don’t imagine anyone here wants you to feel under pressure, and we are not the ones living the situation. Even those who have been there also picked their own time. People are just worried that the time will be picked for you by the situation suddenly escalating. Like I said before, you know him and are well placed to assess the dangers, especially now your eyes are opening to the coercion and control happening casually, daily, in your family.

I went on a women’s aid training once and they gave a story of a woman who, the day after her wedding, was shown a gun by her husband and told if she ever crossed him he would use it. He never laid a finger on her. But she was needless to say terrified and completely under his control, and understandably terrified of the risk of leaving. Day by day, in different ways, he is communicating ‘I am more powerful than you, I will harm you, if you don’t do as I wish’. I think you know this and are slowly being emboldened by others in the world knowing and validating how you feel. It’s ok to feel sad too and envious of your friend. This is not how it should be for you or your children. And it won’t be, forever. Whether it takes weeks or months, you sound like someone who is bound for freedom now.

So glad to see your update. Also been checking on here every day! Fantastic you managed to talk to WA. And so good to hear you, each post, sound more and more certain about the future. (First post you couldn't see any way out.) It's a process isn't it, leaving, and you're moving forwards, and that's great. Thinking of you, often.

From your last update OP.
Would you have somewhere to go?
If you did hang up and just didn't go home, what would happen?

I thought “Oh my. This is my life. This is how I’m living and I have to get away”.

Please listen to your inner voice OP. Take away the fear for a minute and really think about how you want your life to be. Imagine not answering your phone or even switching it off! Imagine not walking on eggshells. Think about your poor dd who may move out in only a few years to get away from him. You can do this. Prepare your get out plan. You deserve better than this.

How are things op?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I know you've called WA and bloody well done you for doing that but when you have 5 mins....have a read x

Another one checking regularly for updates on how you are. I'm really routing for you to gather the courage that you need to take that leap to freedom. You've made great steps so far, please keep on talking to us and to your lovely friend. I left an unhappy and controlling marriage with similar experiences. It took a while, it never got as bad as your situation I have to say. I always knew I had my parents who would take me and my children in if needs be. It didn't come to that. I'll never forget closing the door on my new place at bedtime the day I moved us in. I just breathed out. Never looked back and now with the sweetest man who loves me and my DC just as we are with no treading in eggshells. I don't want this to sound like it's about me, I hope it gives you some hope that's all. You also deserve to breathe out. Enough is enough for you and your DD. Keep keeping us all posted. Sending love and courage xxx

No apology necessary lass.

You will find the way.

totallyoutnumbered Waiting to exhale

Keep on going @WoodforTrees

You’ll get there

you don't have to apologise to anybody it's your life and you need to move at the pace that you are able to and comfortable with important thing is that you have taken some steps and your much closer to leaving him than you were before you started this thread.

How are you doing Wood?

You have all of us at your back @woodfortrees. Imagine us all surrounding you, rooting for you, holding your hand, gently pushing you forwards with comforting hands and words of encouragement.

There has been some astounding advice on here, and the outpouring of love and support has really been something to behold.

Wishing you and the children all the best. You will get there, I am sure.

How are you doing?

Pack some basic stuff and go to your local police station. Go right now.

We get one life and you deserve so much better than this absolute shit.

Your children deserve freedom from this vile shit bag.

Please love yourself like you deserve and get out today.

Please.

Been thinking about you.

Hoping all is going as well as possible.

Hope all is well.
I know from experience that there will be 'normal' times when everything ticks along ok. Those times might last for days or weeks or even months.
I hope that things are 'normal' and safe for you at the moment and you are holding on to your new found confidence ready to move on when you're ready x

Very much hoping you are ok, OP, and are keeping that momentum going.
I hope that you are able to take your DCs into a new, bright, better, calm, happy and safe future very soon.

Please look after your DCs' Mum.

@woodfortrees - Hey OP, i have just read your thread today - well your posts anyway. This is one of the most heartbreaking worrying threads I have read. I see it has been Monday since you posted. I really do hope you are your kids are ok.

You do need to think about them first - not your DH. You have had some excellent advice from people on here who know what they are talking about. It will be a slow process but you do need to make things happen for you and your DC. The fact that you have shared with a friend is a huge step in itself. Now you have someone (a new sister) that you can confide in and who will look out for and look after you is a massive thing. Mind yourself.