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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can I (finally) ask for help.

470 replies

WoodforTrees · 06/05/2019 16:51

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

  1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.
  1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).
  1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children
  1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 09/05/2019 20:17

Bloody well done, I'm so proud of you. All the steps you are taking are meaningful, significant and important and each one is getting you towards where you need to be. Keep on taking the small steps.
And I'm so so pleased you have such a lovely friend.

HazelBite · 09/05/2019 20:19

Well done in telling your friend. I know life as it is, is your "normal" but nothing about the way your H is behaving is normal.
You really need to look after yourself and your Dc's from now on, don't consider him and his feelings he doesn't deserve any consideration.

candycane222 · 09/05/2019 20:22

This thread has made me donate to women's aid. Very very best of luck OP.

choosingchilli · 09/05/2019 20:25

You are brave and strong wood and you've taken a really positive step today Flowers

LabradorMama · 09/05/2019 20:28

Great news OP and such a relief to read that you now have some RL support in the shape of your sister Smile things are starting to turn for you now, keep going!

Mrsmummy90 · 09/05/2019 20:35

Well done! That was so brave of you. You are so lucky to have such a caring friend.
Please take her up on her offer to support you through this xx

sakura06 · 09/05/2019 20:43

This sounds horrible for you all. I hope you can leave OP. Best wishes to you and DC. Thanks

sakura06 · 09/05/2019 20:46

So pleased to hear you have the support of your friend.

Annasgirl · 09/05/2019 20:58

Oh OP it is so good that you have found the right person IRL. I know people have different spiritual beliefs but I pray that God will send good people to you and your children to help you. Take care and keep posting. There are lots of people here who can help you with advice. I really hope WA get in touch soon. I am so horrified that they are too busy to pick up.

hellenbackagen · 09/05/2019 21:15

Op
I suspect this is a long way off but I you need any advice police wise please pm me .

I'm a police officer well versed in dv.
You are Living with coercive control. It's an offence, but more than that - I know.

Contact me if there is anything at all I can help with x

Epona1 · 09/05/2019 21:45

Well done for confiding in a friend. Little steps, but steps all the same x

BuckingFrolics · 09/05/2019 22:11

Oh OP your update is so positive and life affirming. You brave woman. And your lovely lovely friend. To have a friend like that, you must be a lovely person yourself. Well done.

AloneLonelyLoner · 09/05/2019 22:18

I'm so so relieved. Telling a friend is a massive deal because I know the (misplaced) shame very well. It's a great first step.

Please remember he won't change. Don't be lulled into false security. Keep strong. You are amazing and strong. Your kids will thank you for this.

leomama81 · 09/05/2019 22:36

OP I've just read the whole thread, you are doing so well, telling a friend is a really big step and I am so glad you have her there for you. Real friends can be sisters and it sounds like she really will be one.

I do like others have concerns about the safety of the flat v a refuge, but getting good advice from the police and WA seems like the best way forward there.

I don't feel I should offer practical advice really as although I have left an emotionally abusive man it was not the same situation, but there are so many people out there who can really help you, let them. Thinking of you Thanks

ScottishDoll · 09/05/2019 23:30

Well done OP.

Now please send your friend a link to this thread so she can get a good grasp of the danger you could all be in. The cat is out of the bag and that can only be a good thing because carrying on as you were is not an option.

Some more advice.

When someone offers you help like this understand it is not done lightly. Sounds like she has sussed all is not well and is prepared to help, serious get the fuck out of dodge help. Accept the help, resist the urge to gloss over the worst and struggle on in the hope of improvement. Keep going, keep talking, keep moving towards the exit. She is a lamplighter on your way out of the dark.

When the voice in your head tells you not to bother her or that it would be unfair to impose push it aside and realise that IF she ever feels things are a bit much she will tell you herself. Accept the help, be thankful for good friends and know that what goes around comes around and you will find a way to pay her back in the future. You need clarity right now and that will come from speaking out and from getting a swift and solid exit plan in place preferably with professional help, keep going.

Fizzysours · 10/05/2019 06:19

I'm near Brighton. You can stay here. People keep saying this because your story is terrifying. You are still intellectualising...wondering why he does it...you don't need to undertand him. He lost the right to be understood when he started terrorising his family. WOMEN DIE ALL THE TIME OP...YOU CAN CALL THE POLICE...THEY PROTECT PEOPLE LIKE YOU xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 10/05/2019 06:47

Good morning OP,

Am very relieved to hear from you (I saw your update last night but didn't have the energy to reply!), and very pleased you have a 'sister' who is going to help in RL. She sounds lovely, and you definitely picked the right person to open up to!

I agree with PP that you should show her this thread. if memory serves, you told her what was going on but didn't go in to masses of detail, and showing her this thread should fill in any gaps. I think if you can possibly bear it, she needs to know fully what is going on so she can help you and the DC the best she can.

Stay in touch OP, there is so much help and support here for you. I understand you may not have the time or energy for an update, but please do keep checking in so we know you are ok 😘😘

UCOinanOCG · 10/05/2019 07:00

Those small steps turned into a huge leap. A leap of faith which has worked out well. Thank goodness for your wonderful friend.

Original poster
WoodforTrees · 10/05/2019 08:29

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I don't know how I feel today.

The house is very quiet at the moment. Usually I would just be grateful but it feels ominous. I am not sure if I am making gay up.

I have left a message for WA.

I am trying to write down a kind of catalogue of the past ten years. Everything I can think of from being locked in the garden for hours to having food tipped over my head. It's pretty grim.

@hellenbackagen I think I would like to PM you if that's ok?

Feel a bIt dead today. But so so grateful to you all. I'll be back later.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/05/2019 08:50

You don't need a dull back catalogue the most recent tells you enough
Have a bag packed stored at your friend and be ready to leave.
Your dd must be terrified...

cestlavielife · 10/05/2019 08:52

..or find an excuse to take dc to stay with your friend for the weekend and don't go back.
When h screams call 999

Peridot1 · 10/05/2019 09:02

So pleased you managed to speak to a friend. And that she was so supportive.

Now is a time to be very careful and aware. You don’t need to rush into anything. Obviously it would better to leave as soon as you can but as others have pointed out this is a very dangerous time.

I still think a Refuge would be the best option. He doesn’t need to know you are in a Refuge and he certainly won’t know where. Think seriously about the idea.

Huge hugs. You are doing great. Might not feel it but you are.

hellenbackagen · 10/05/2019 10:40

woodfortrees

Of course you can pm me tho I won't likely pick it up until I can get on desktop, but I will get back to you x

ChristmasCalamity · 10/05/2019 10:40

So glad to hear you told a friend. And such a lovely friend. You've done amazingly well. We're all here, like a pp said, supporting you from afar.

AsleepAllDay · 10/05/2019 11:41

If it feels ominous, it is ominous. This could be calm before a violent storm. If he has found this thread or has any inkling that you are unhappy, he may be planning to punish you in a big way and is gearing up to do so. Especially as the weekend is coming

Heed your gut that is telling you that this quiet and calmness is not normal. You must be so frightened but I would urge you to have a bag packed and ready to take your kids to your friend's.