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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Odd thing to say at the end of a great conversation

121 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 06/05/2019 06:49

Hello,

So I’ve decided to start dating again and this time I’m using Bumble. Quite like it so far.

Last night I was having a decent chat with a guy online and he asked if we could chat on the phone which I like.

We had a great chat for approximately one hour and I thought yep I’d quite like to meet up. Then he said that not to worry when his online profile disappears, I asked why and he said because when he chats to someone he likes he feels it’s only fair to take his online profile down. Confused

Now I’m all for honesty etc but I am I odd in thinking this was a strange thing to say so early on? I told him we haven’t met yet, he is still there entitled to meet who he likes at this stage!

He asked me earlier if I was chatting to anyone else and I said no as I had only joined the site recently.

I felt odd at the end of the call, I went from feeling like ‘I really like this guy’ to that weird eek feeling in an hour.

Am I overreacting? Hmm

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 06/05/2019 21:31

Asking for photos isn't 'shocking, it's normal!

LizzieSiddal · 06/05/2019 21:44

Im typing this smiling, because where you to ever me my friends or no me .....you would realise how far I am from needy.....quite amusing....but there you go....bad selection of words on my part, bad choice on yours.

He sounds a bit of a nasty cunt tbh. Any normal, nice person would have just said “sorry you feel like that but it was nice chatting to you. Good luck in the future” blah blah.

AsleepAllDay · 06/05/2019 22:57

'I'm typing this smiling' you know he's fucking fuming!

cocodash · 06/05/2019 23:22

I actually like that he took the profile down, if you think about it, before the days of online dating, if he had been chatting you up in a pub and you had got on etc then he turned around and started chatting up someone else you would be miffed. Whereas if he had been chatting you up and then just went home after it (supposed to represent taking the profile down) it would show he respected you and wanted to get to know you better.

And agree with PP stating the fact he didn't sent dick pics was good thing hahaha

Agree sometimes guys can't win, because if you had been dating a while and he hadn't taken the profile down, MN would be out for blood.

And I met DH on tinder so I'm no stranger to OLD.

pantsville · 07/05/2019 05:48

I wouldn't have minded him taking down his profile. He liked you and didn't want to get chatting to anyone else at that time - totally up to him - not like he'd rung up the local registrar and booked a wedding for the two of you. However obviously aside from that you got a strange vibe which I guess you couldn't really explain, and you turned out to be right, he's too OTT. I doubt he found any part of the situation "amusing" like he claims, he's clearly embarrassed and annoyed.

Sorry but I must say how funny the photos thing is. I'm imagining someone sending you a load of stock photo type pics, like something from a French year 7 text book hobbies syllabus. Here's me playing basketball, here's me canoeing, here's me ice skating...

Itsallpointless · 07/05/2019 06:18

Hi OP. I didn’t like his response, he sounds defensive, which of course he would be but, ‘bad choice on your part’??? I’d want to be the judge of that thank you very much.

His pride is dented, ego deflated, just when it was all ‘in the bag’Hmm

The biggest red flag for me would’ve been pics of the kids, way too soon to be doing that.

All of the above said, you don’t know him, and he may not be good at this dating malarkey. You’ve chosen not to meet so..next!

Itsallpointless · 07/05/2019 06:22

And just to add..taking a profile down on one site, doesn’t mean he’s doing the same on his other sites..just a thoughtHmm

HennyPennyHorror · 07/05/2019 06:24

When it's tricky before you've even met in person it's DEFINITELY not worth perusing!

Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2019 06:26

I’m just glad I followed my instincts on this one. I think he would have been a nightmare to be in a relationship with.

Some people show so many red flags so early on its unbelievable.

OP posts:
FairylightsAndMoonbeams · 07/05/2019 07:32

Actually, I don't think his last message was too bad either.

He sounds disappointed because he clearly felt a connection and, when you've done OLD for a while, you'll see that his communications, however, imperfect, are a damn sight better than most! Grin

As for this, Oh I forgot to add, shortly after his final message he deleted me on Bumble. I’m mean seriously, what would he of been like in a relationship, that is also completely normal. Why would you keep someone who had rejected you on there? I always deleted and blocked someone if I'd met them and hadn't wanted it to continue.

You say you tried to be honest, but not horrible, in your response, it sounds like he did the same.

FWIW, I also hid my profile quite soon after starting talking to someone I was interested in. I have no interest in 'multi dating'; or chatting to lots of people. I viewed OLD as similar to meeting someone in a pub or whatever - if I started talking to someone and found them interesting and wanted to see if it could go anywhere, I wouldn't continue to be open to talking to every potential male in the place on the off chance I might meet someone 'better'. It's fine, in those circumstances, to decide that you no longer want to continue the conversation - for any reason and after any duration, but I wouldn't expect them to still keep me on their radar!

I agree that photos of his kids was too soon but, if he is also new to OLD, then there are rules that he is also learning.

His response didn't suit you, but it was fine. Deleting you is normal.

He might well have found your requests and rejection for quite arbitrary reasons a little OTT. You just weren't suited.

Citygirl2019 · 07/05/2019 07:55

I agree with lots of posters he didn't seem bad and I thought his last message was ok.

I did OLD and when I started speaking to someone I liked I hid my profile. So didn't actively delete, but also wasn't continuing to look. It was only after I met them if I felt it was not going anywhere that I made my profile public again. I never shared this with dates, but morally for me it felt the right thing to do.

I think he was clumsy with his words at worst. I also think in six months time you might look back and regret you didn't meet him and give him a chance. Trust me you will speak to a lot worse...

WellThisIsShit · 07/05/2019 11:42

His last message is only ok if you assume that he’s telling the truth. As you’ve said he’s actually rewriting history, I agree with you that he’s not being at all gracious in defeat!

He’s showing quite an unpleasant side of himself, showing how he behaved when he’s crossed, and it’s not terribly nice.

Anyway, you can chalk that one up to experience. You didn’t feel right about him, and yes, he wasn’t right in the end was he?

So, you can congratulate yourself on honing your skills and move on. Ugh this online dating thing is hard!

AsleepAllDay · 07/05/2019 13:19

Why are people making excuses for him? It's not usual to take down your profiles before you have even MET a match, it's needy and desperate

Myheartbelongsto · 07/05/2019 13:54

If I got chatting to someone I liked I’d have taken my down too. It’s not weird, needy or desperate.

I think you got this one wrong op.

Citygirl2019 · 07/05/2019 13:57

I don't think people are making excuses for him.

We all clearly have different views and experiences. I personally used OLD and hid my profile if talking to someone I thought had potential. I don't consider myself needy, just preferred not to talk to lots of people at once.

He possibly shouldn't of said anything to the OP. His account was still active when she sent the message for him to delete her.

He did say this after requests for more photos. So the OP did make it sound like she was interested in him.

None of us were privy to the phone chat, the tone or banter but if it lasted an hour it can't have been bad.

To be honest I think I think both sounds of the conversations and messages were a little odd.

Citygirl2019 · 07/05/2019 13:58

*sides

Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2019 14:49

Ok so I can shed a bit of light on the ‘photogate’ situation 😆

His main profile photo was of him in is car making a bit of weird expression with his hand sort of on his mouth - a bit poserish. The rest were slightly better. But they gave very little away about him. And the first photo was just strange.

He has now updated his WhatsApp pic with him bending over a desk answering a phone 😆😝😆😝

OP posts:
Minty · 07/05/2019 15:14

From my OLD days (which have resulted in impending marriage, so there's hope for everyone 😄), I was always suspicious of the profiles with only selfies. It suggests someone either married or so recently separated that all photos involve their ex.

Photos of them actually doing something purposeful are much more reassuring.

Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2019 15:25

Minty EXACTLY! At last someone whom agrees with me! It doesn’t necessarily have to be of hobbies, just doing something other than pouting in a car or a selfie in the gym. It’s off putting.

OP posts:
MargotMoon · 09/05/2019 09:07

Well done for trusting your instincts OP. His message sounded feasible to me but if he is contradicting himself and you had bad vibes then that overrides everything else. As a PP has said you sign off a message like that with 'good luck in your search, no hard feelings' etc not his weird ramblings. Bullet dodged!

Cherryblossom200 · 09/05/2019 14:02

Thanks I definitely don’t regret my decision 😊

OP posts:
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