Is this an issue we can work through?
May 5, 2019 1:44 PM Subscribe
I think my boyfriend means well and has genuine feelings for me but he seems to put his foot in his mouth a lot and sometimes the comments just seem a little nasty and unsupportive. I really like him and would be super sad if we broke up, but I don't want to continue in a relationship with someone who's potentially emotionally abusive and would value some objectivity here about some of the things he says. Combined with the fact that he finds it hard to express affection, this is really starting to affect me.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for around six months. We had an instant spark, and make eachother laugh a lot. I love lots of things about him. I hear lots of hints from him that he would like to see this relationship flourish. I once got upset about something insensitive he had done and he admitted to me that he had written in his journal that I was his perfect woman and that if he cant make it work with me he can't with anyone (I did have to get upset for him to admit that but still...).
My question: would the behaviour I describe bother you, and how would you react?
The thing that bothers me....
The crux of the problem is that he quite regularly says things that hurt my feelings. He would describe himself as 'blunt','honest' and 'logical'. But is this just shorthand for being a bit of an insensitive dick?
He said early on that he likes my 'thick skin' because I'm able to laugh off his silly insults and that compared to a lot of the girls he has dated I get his humour. But sometimes he says things which don't feel funny. I feel angry right now as there have been a few comments in the past week (during our first ever weekend away) and I don't know whether to confront him about it and possibly end the relationship (it feels like a potential red flag), just put it down to clumsiness on his part, or try and work it through with him. I have been quite patient already, I feel, although I've never confronted this issue directly.
As an example, whilst drawing my portrait he said that I had a 'featureless face'. I made some sort of sarcastic 'thanks' back (I was quite embarrassed as we were in front of his housemate) and he said he meant I was pretty and it's difficult to draw pretty people as they have 'less obvious features' to draw.
The day before, in a rare moment of vulnerability I said I feel a bit fat at the moment and like I have a belly (it was a big thing for me to admit this). He replied that I wasn't fat, but 'well-fed'. I was clearly offended at this, and he didnt back down or apologise - just repeated it (for context, I'm UK size 10 - hardly a heifer, and not that it matters). It was very awkward, as it was on our first ever little break away together, but I now feel angry about it and like he consciously or unconsciously seemed to want to increase my insecurity instead of soothing it. It's not like I regularly fish for compliments; I was just having one vulnerable moment. He seems generally a bit funny about food - comments that we've eaten enough and don't need dessert, makes me feel a bit self conscious about ordering it (he also regularly doesnt eat much before we see eachother so he can indulge; perhaps he thinks I should do this too).
Reading between the lines, he seems to have offended a lot of girls he's dated - and this is partly why his relationships haven't worked out. One girl who he describes as 'crazy' texted him angry messages for two years after they'd broken up because she was so angry at him still (he mentioned one message which was about his insults).
I looked through our last few interactions by text and many of his replies to me are sarcastic. I sent him a picture of myself in a flower crown at a friend's wedding (I was bridemaid) and he sent me back a smiley face - and a picture of a dog wearing a flower crown. I said I'd meet him when I got back to our home city but that I'd have a little suitcase with me and his reply was 'just one'? It's tiring.
I'll admit that I have mostly found his humour and cheekiness funny, and I can give as good as I get on occasion. This week my responses have been spikier due to feeling tired of it all.
He also seems to bring up his insecurities in a sideways way, so that I can't directly address them. For instance, I once said that if I don't like a book I will stop reading it as I don't see the point in wasting time reading something I don't like, and he joked that I'm like that with men (I'm not, but I can see why he might think so - we've never discussed this in depth).
He also joked TWICE on our first little holiday about my 'future boyfriends'. I find this hurtful and bizarre. Perhaps he wants some sort of reassurance or reaction from me, but I feel blindsided and immaturely joked later about his 'future girlfriend' to give him a taste of his own medicine (as I said, I've gotten spikier in the last week!).
I am finding that he's perhaps slightly cynical and untrusting of people in general. I feel like I've been waiting for him to soften and trust me, which is happening slowly, and he's doing sweet things like making plans for the rest of the year and saying things like I'd be a great mum but with it the jokes are becoming less funny and more like actual insults.
Combined with his real difficulty around verbally expressing affection (unless I do it first), I'n starting to notice this is knocking my confidence in him and our relationship and I'm beginning to be passive-aggressive myself so I need to sort it out.
Context....
I've picked up that he seems to be maybe a little intimidated by my dating experience (as one of a few examples, he's compared his never having had a 'proper' girlfriend to my previous long-term relationship and said I obviously know how to do them etc).
He's also perhaps a little competitive about work stuff. We're both freelance, and I've been very busy since we started dating whereas he's had hardly had any work. He once sarcastically mimicked me when I mentioned I'd won an award for something, along the lines of 'I'm just so good at everything'. It was only once, and he's mostly supportive, but I don't like where it comes from and I notice myself censoring good things that happen to me at work incase they make him feel worse about situation which I know is stressing him out a lot.
I think that underneath he is a good person, and I've noticed he has a very high level of empathy - when I've called him out on stuff before (like his insulting banter) he's looked mortified and upset, and he's displayed real and genuine feeling for me when I've been upset about other things which are unrelated to him.
For context, I'm generally a patient and accomodating person - I can be way too accommodating - and have stayed in relationships that I knew in my heart weren't right for way too long too many times. I'm looking for the person I want to settle down with, and I'm worried about making a mistake again. So perhaps I'm wary.
On the other hand, I can be a picky perfectionist and someone who sees the worst in things people say to me and takes them more to heart than perhaps I should. I have noticed though that many people seem to have enough sensitivity to pretty much never offend me so this isn't a universal issue in my relationships. My ex used to say I was too sensitive a lot as a way of invalidating my feelings. Looking back, I think I had a right to be upset and it has slightly affected my ability to trust myself in situations like this (I believe it could have been gaslighting). Hence why I'd like some second opinions!
On the ownership point, he has actually said that every single one of his previous girlfriends has had very good reason to be angry with him. And when I did call him out on being insensitive one time. he said that he agrees and I do not deserve that behaviour. He asked me specifically what good looked like, and what I wanted to change about the relationship. I think he actively wanted guidance, and would be open to a talk about this.
I also think that because I'm also quite sarcastic and well, British in the sense that piss-taking is the way that my family express humour I don't think he quite realises that this is upsetting me. On the outside i kind of pretend that it's water off a duck's back most of the time. It's not like I'm just sitting there visibly upset... perhaps I should modify this and stop pretending to have no vulnerabilities. He clearly thinks I'm very confident, from comments he's made before.
Again, my question: would the behaviour I describe bother you, and how would you react? Do any of you have experience with insensitive husbands / boyfriends, or are you one yourself? Am I just being too sensitive here?