New boyfriend and his family - am I being massively sensitive?

[ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

I've been seeing DP for 6 months, he's in the middle of a messy divorce. They separated 6 months before he met me after 20 years of marriage, so it's all still fairly raw and recent.

I've met his parents, they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

Recently his brother and his family came to visit. I was initially not invited to the family gathering, but DP invited me along. However when I got there I felt massively uncomfortable as his brother and his wife were very cool with me, made no effort to talk to me and I had to make all of the effort. When I walked in the room they didn't get up, just looked over and said Hi then carried on talking to their kids...They literally asked me no questions, i initiated all the conversation and in the end I just gave up and talked to the children in front of them rather than keep flogging a dead horse. DP noticed the awkwardness as well and felt very uncomfortable. I wondered whether they actually knew I was coming, or were even aware that DP had a new GF at all...

BF has 2 DCs. We have been careful not to rush things, so I met his DCs for the first time last week, they were lovely with me and appeared fine with him having a GF.

He keeps insisting he wants me to be a part of his life, and that his parents are delighted with me. But recently a few things have come up. His mother invited him to dinner, but didn't invite me. It was awkward, and turned out that they assumed I would be coming but I didn't want to just assume, so I didnt' go... they felt really bad about it, and it just made for a very awkward conversation the next time I saw them. At the same time, DP had messaged his brother to ask about going to visit.. he asked me to go too, but in his text he wrote "Could the DCs and I come to stay?". I challenged him on this, and he said he meant all of us but just assumed his brother would know to include me. I said it wasn't at all clear from his text that me meant for me to be included, and I didn't want to turn up at his brother's to be made to feel like they weren't expecting me again...

He is now trying to arrange for me to go on another family visit, this time with his DCs. We've had an argument about it - I've said I can't be confident that he has clearly communicated to his family that he is with me and that they will welcome me. Likewise I can't be confident his DCs are fully aware and happy for me to be there if he's not communicating, but just assuming that everyone considers us a couple..

Am I being over sensitive here? Is DP being crap at communicating?

I think he's trying to rush us as a couple, integrating me into his life before his family are really ready to accept that. Am I right?

I think he is going too fast. Let him do his family visits with his DC. Ask him to give it a bit longer before involving you in all this. Maybe until the divorce is all finalised?

He is being a bit rubbish at communicating. But I think you are blowing this out of proportion.

His parents see you as a couple. So they invited him with the assumption you would be going. They and dp missed communicated. Why did it need to be awkward to speak to them next time?

All he needs to,, is just start saying 'we'in stead of 'I' or just tell his brother you will be attending.

I think it's a mix of both. I do think you are being over sensitive though.

Yeah I know I'm being sensitive. I've been really argumentative with him about it, which is unnecessary and unfair.

It was awkward with the parents because they were really worried they had upset me. So I just said it was fine, we laughed about it, but his poor Mum was mortified to have left me out. I think she's trying really hard because his exW barely spoke to her.

But yes I think he's going too fast and I'm tetchy about it, not just because of his family but for his DCs too. The last thing either of us want to do is make them uncomfortable, so I think it should be lead by them.

I don't think there's any love lost between any of his family and his exW, but yes, I think we need to hold off until the divorce is done. Some people may still have an issue with him carrying on with a new girlfriend while he's till married, even if they are glad he's not with her any more.

The other issue is how his exW might feel about me turning up and going on weekend visits. I can't imagine she'll be too pleased.

How old are the kids OP?

I've met his parents, they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

This along with how they have lately become frosty with you suggests that no one is good enough for their little boy and that the problem may be with the family rather than the ex. Tread very carefully.
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It sounds like it's you that is insecure about it being too soon for him, rather than him. He is trying to involve you in his family. He picked up on the way his brother was disinterested in you and it bothered him. It seems (from what you've said) as though that one reaction from the brother and his family has made you feel insecure or unwelcome. I get it. I had a very similar, cold, disinterested reaction from DH's family when we met. We were very young, and they didn't think it was serious, so they didn't make any effort. Plus, they are generally shy, awkward people, and I am quite shy and sometimes sensitive myself. It made the initial meeting far more uncomfortable than it needed to be, but it was due to our circumstances (age, length of relationship), their disposition, and my own.

Since then, things have improved a lot. They aren't warm or affectionate and I don't feel very liked, but I don't feel unwelcome, either. You have to give people time to get to know you and remember that some people aren't forthcoming at first, or ever, because that is just their way. Meeting my own bothers' wives has shown me that; I was poliet and friendly, but it did feel a bit of a chore because I'm shy around new people. If other family had been there, (like your DP's parents), whom I knew could carry conversion for me, I could very well have taken a step back and appeared much more disinterested, despite being very happy for my brothers.

It all seems to be going far too fast for comfort, and you seem to be expecting a lot from his family in the way of them accepting the situation.
The fact that he has been married for twenty years, and is not yet even divorced makes things more complicated.
Also, you have no idea what he has told his family about his relationship with you.

How keen are you to be a fully fledged member his family after only six months together? Are you keen to visit people who have already given you the cold shoulder?

I'd step back a little if I were you, let him do family visits without you, at least until the divorce is finalised. For now, concentrate on being a couple.

I agree that he's going too fast. 6 months isn't particularly long in this situation. I think it's relatively quick to have already introduced you to his kids and his family. I certainly wouldn't want to be going to stay with his family when I'd only been seeing him for 6 months and his divorce wasn't finalised. What's the rush? You seem to be seeing an awful lot of his family. Why can't you spend time together as a couple at this stage? If you're meant to be together, you've got all the time in the world. Him rushing you into being part of the family would make me nervous. Like he was trying to replace his ex to play happy families rather than being in love with you specifically.

You're overthinking it I think

The family know you are a couple, his mother was mortified at the though of offending you...why on Earth didn't your DP clarify with his parents whether or not you were invited? Could have saved a lot of unnecessary angst.

Assume you are invited from now on and turn up 🙂

It seems (from what you've said) as though that one reaction from the brother and his family has made you feel insecure or unwelcome. Yes you're absolutely right. I didn't say it when he enquired about staying with his brother, but I actually don't want to go because of how they were with me when we first met. Hence why I had hoped he had made it more clear that he wanted to bring me I suppose, to avoid that potential feeling of them not really taking me seriously again.

I do wonder whether his family aren't taking me seriously because they assume he's just on the rebound and I won't be here for long. Or maybe they're shocked at how quickly he's trying to move things, with me meeting his DCs etc, and they are taking a step back.

You seem to be seeing an awful lot of his family. Why can't you spend time together as a couple at this stage?"

A couple of reasons I guess. When he was with his ex, he didn't see much of his parents at all, so I think he's making up for that now and enjoying spending more time with them. He wants me to be a part of that. He sees a lot of my family too, we all live near each other.

Also the thing with his brother was more awkward - he lives away, so only comes to visit once a year. So we thought we ought to make the effort for me to meet them while we had the chance, rather than wait a long time. I regret it now, wish I hadn't bothered.

The family know you are a couple, his mother was mortified at the though of offending you...why on Earth didn't your DP clarify with his parents whether or not you were invited?

Believe me, I have asked him the same question. He allowed communication to break down.

His DF bless him said "Please assume you are always invited!" So that has cleared that one up at least.

They're currently away together for the weekend - DP, his parents and his DCs (because his parents don't get to see the DCs often since they moved away). DP wanted me to go too, but I declined - we agreed it was too much too soon with the DCs, and it was important that his parents have that time with them without me getting in the way. I think that's another reason why I'm sensitive about it at the moment - because we want to be together, but can't because of the situation and trying to do the right thing.

This along with how they have lately become frosty with you suggests that no one is good enough for their little boy and that the problem may be with the family rather than the ex. Tread very carefully.
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I thought this as well.

The rushing to integrate is also a big ol’ Red flag too. Did she leave him? If so please read up on men getting divorced (I wish I had)
The DB (with good reason) may not believe you will last hence the “not bothering”.

Annnd... The texting thing is total BS on his side btw.
One text to his mum “is cold invited too?” Would have cleated up lunch and the DH text was just plain stupidity.

You don’t want to hear this but based on my (disastrous) exp of dating separated men it’s unlikely to pan out happily ever after (sorry )

After only 6 months I wouldn't automatically assume I had to invite my family members partner if I asked them to come for something to eat. It's all a bit rushed

She did leave him.

What should I read - can you point me towards anything that might be helpful?

And I agree on the texting thing. Except he did follow up with his mum, but she didn't respond, claiming not to have seen it (it was Whatsapp, blue ticks - she did see it). So either she was just being a bit ditsy, or it was deliberate. I dont' know.

After only 6 months I wouldn't automatically assume I had to invite my family members partner if I asked them to come for something to eat

I know.. from other people's point of view, I'm 'the new girlfriend'... whereas from our point of view, we practically live together and are very much in love. I shouldn't expect other people to see that though.

You need to dial this family stuff right back. Your existence should be irrelevant to how often he sees his parents now. If he's restoring his relationship with them, maybe it's all the better if he's visiting them privately without a semi-stranger in the room.

Be careful he's not using your presence as a sort of social lubricant to ease his reintegration. It's still using you. And causing you unnecessary pressure.

At 6 months I hadnt even met my now husbands family yet. I probably started towards the year mark.

He's rushing you along a bit and it's clearly too soon for his brother and his wife who seem unnerved by it all.

Let them all catch a breath. Your boyfriend included.

All going a bit quick I think he’s not divorced yet.
Perhaps because his brother comes so rarely he was a bit put out that a stranger was there?
Just take your time. How old are the children?

Perhaps because his brother comes so rarely he was a bit put out that a stranger was there? Yeah good point.

The DCs are 11 and 9

If he's restoring his relationship with them, maybe it's all the better if he's visiting them privately without a semi-stranger in the room

That's true. All the more reason I'm glad I'm not there this weekend with them all. It felt wrong.

Why are you planning weekends away with his children 6 months in? Way too fast

It’s tricky Cold - I know how you feel. Sometimes DP would assume I wasn’t invited to his family things, and sometimes I’d be invited but didn’t really fancy going, then he’d say it was important to show a united front etc.

We’ve been together 7 years and still have these issues where I have to clarify whether I’m invited, are my DCs included etc and if we do go, will his ex also be there. It’s a fucking minefield.

For you, having his DFs blessing that you’re always welcome is lovely and will hopefully simplify things on that front, but I think it’s a good plan to also allow him and his DCs time without you sometimes, like this weekend, until you feel more settled about it all.

Open communication is the key but it’s hard when one of you isn’t very good at it!! .

Another point that would worry me about his parents gushing over you because they "hated" his STBEx, is that this is a woman they have known for twenty years, the mother of their grandchildren, yet they are quick to tell a stranger that they "hated" their DIL!
I wonder what her side of the story is!

Is he a lot older than you Cold?

This along with how they have lately become frosty with you suggests that no one is good enough for their little boy and that the problem may be with the family rather than the ex. Tread very carefully

This with bells on. Dh family were exactly the same about sil. Bil and sil were just separating when I first met Dh. They were lovely to me.

Fast forward a few years I’m now the hated DIL and BIL new partner is getting the silver service.

Bells started ringing for me when you mentioned how much they disliked the ex. That’s non of your business. They are very likely to talk about you like that too.

You’ve been warned..