New boyfriend and his family - am I being massively sensitive?

[ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

I've been seeing DP for 6 months, he's in the middle of a messy divorce. They separated 6 months before he met me after 20 years of marriage, so it's all still fairly raw and recent.

I've met his parents, they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

Recently his brother and his family came to visit. I was initially not invited to the family gathering, but DP invited me along. However when I got there I felt massively uncomfortable as his brother and his wife were very cool with me, made no effort to talk to me and I had to make all of the effort. When I walked in the room they didn't get up, just looked over and said Hi then carried on talking to their kids...They literally asked me no questions, i initiated all the conversation and in the end I just gave up and talked to the children in front of them rather than keep flogging a dead horse. DP noticed the awkwardness as well and felt very uncomfortable. I wondered whether they actually knew I was coming, or were even aware that DP had a new GF at all...

BF has 2 DCs. We have been careful not to rush things, so I met his DCs for the first time last week, they were lovely with me and appeared fine with him having a GF.

He keeps insisting he wants me to be a part of his life, and that his parents are delighted with me. But recently a few things have come up. His mother invited him to dinner, but didn't invite me. It was awkward, and turned out that they assumed I would be coming but I didn't want to just assume, so I didnt' go... they felt really bad about it, and it just made for a very awkward conversation the next time I saw them. At the same time, DP had messaged his brother to ask about going to visit.. he asked me to go too, but in his text he wrote "Could the DCs and I come to stay?". I challenged him on this, and he said he meant all of us but just assumed his brother would know to include me. I said it wasn't at all clear from his text that me meant for me to be included, and I didn't want to turn up at his brother's to be made to feel like they weren't expecting me again...

He is now trying to arrange for me to go on another family visit, this time with his DCs. We've had an argument about it - I've said I can't be confident that he has clearly communicated to his family that he is with me and that they will welcome me. Likewise I can't be confident his DCs are fully aware and happy for me to be there if he's not communicating, but just assuming that everyone considers us a couple..

Am I being over sensitive here? Is DP being crap at communicating?

I think he's trying to rush us as a couple, integrating me into his life before his family are really ready to accept that. Am I right?

Another point that would worry me about his parents gushing over you because they "hated" his STBEx, is that this is a woman they have known for twenty years, the mother of their grandchildren, yet they are quick to tell a stranger that they "hated" their DIL!

They haven't said this to me directly, they've been discreet. DP has told me. I think they're relieved that I'm willing to engage with them, while the ex refused to visit them. I do wonder what her side of the story is though, I guess I'll never know.

It's very early days from leaving his ex to now, even though you've been together 6 months ... 20 years is a very long time and he doesn't seem to be communicating properly at all - he needs to ask if you're invited to anything before you turn up and he needs to be speaking to all his family to make the transition easier for you - I don't think you're being oversensitive, it is a sensitive area and you are being left to muddle through when it's not your responsibility to smooth the way - hope all settles and turns out well for you

Why are you planning weekends away with his children 6 months in? Way too fast

Hence why I didn't go. It was DPs idea. But then I think he realised it was too soon and we both agreed I shouldn't go.

I'd say he's hurrying this along at breakneck speed to help rebuild his ego after she left him, and you can be sure that tales of "Daddy's new girlfriend" will be getting back to his STBEx via the children.

So do be cautious Cold.

Thank you for all your support - it is indeed a sensitive area which I'm anxious about. I know i overthink things though..!

I bet the ex wife didn’t alienate the parents. I bet his shit behaviour and poor communication resulted in crossed wires and awkward situations.

Bells started ringing for me when you mentioned how much they disliked the ex. That’s non of your business. They are very likely to talk about you like that too

Its interesting, I watched the interaction between his mother and her daughter in law (his DBs wife) when we went there. They did not interact or speak to each other once while I was there for dinner. DiL didn't offer to help with any of the food while MiL waited on them and their 3 children. No conversation between MiL and her DiL... It was odd looking back. Instead MiL and FiL focussed on chatting to me, so perhaps there's something in that - I was the shiny new thing to impress... hmm.

I bet the ex wife didn’t alienate the parents. I bet his shit behaviour and poor communication resulted in crossed wires and awkward situations.

That has occurred to me with recent events. This poor communication has resulted in an awkward situation. I could let it escalate and become 'a thing'. I have asked DP why his ex didn't speak to his parents and he says he doesn't know. She just hated them, despite living in their house for a spell while they were doing up their own house. She still didn't interact with them even then... I do wonder what the real story is.

Maybe the ex refused to visit them because they made her feel unwelcome, not too dissimilar to how you feel now?

6 months is very soon to be so involved in his family, take a few steps bCk.

I do wonder what her side of the story is though, I guess I'll never know

Sadly, you'll probably know if you stay with him long enough, because you'll live it.

Too fast. This man has more baggage than Gatwick Airport, FFS, why do you want or need this much drama and baggage in a person? You haven't known him but the dating equivalent of 5 minutes, he's bloody married and you're already encountering all this drama and moving far too fast. He's got more red flags than a Maoist convention on top of being able to keep Pickford's in business with his baggage.

he says he doesn't know

Honestly? Wtf? another Red flag
HOW could he not have asked about this or discussed it???? It’s mind blowing
His life partner, His wife,the mother of his children... and they never discussed it???

I bet he isn’t really clear on why she left him either.
Keep in mind People rarely just walk away from a marriage especially with young kids she did not leave him in a whim.

Here is a psychology today link
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201608/dating-man-who-is-separated-not-yet-divorced?amp
Look at the checklist

I won’t bore you with articles but if you google “dating separated man”
The auto prompts that come up include
“dating separated man pulling away”
“dating separated man problems”
“dating separated man advice”
like I said it doesn’t generally pan out well.

I would agree that at 6 months this sounds very pressured and rushed. At this stage in a relationship I would think you should still be dating, just the two of you going out together, perhaps gradually meeting each others friends in relaxed settings to see how that goes. All this family time seems a lot at this stage, and won't help you feeling uncomfortable with all of this. So yes, I agree with you, he's rushing you as a couple.

Do you know who has initiated the divorce and is this on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour?

I ask the question about the divorce, because if it is on those grounds you have to list quite specific examples of the unreasonable behaviour, including one that is within a short time of separation. It would be interesting to know what is cited as the reasons.

You met his kids for the first time last week and he wants you to go away with them already? He sounds really irresponsible.

He was with his ex for 20 years, been with you 6 months and you’re meeting the kids.... ?! That’s madness. Not to mention all the family stuff. I’d just back right off and let them do things without you. 6 months into any relationship is all hearts and flowers, thinking the sun shines out of their bum etc - it shouldn’t be like this. All seems very intense and messy for such an early stage.

It’s mind blowing. His life partner, His wife,the mother of his children... and they never discussed it???

He says she just refused to go. So to avoid arguments he just went by himself. I don't know.. he seems to back down to her an awful lot and is afraid of challenging her.

Do you know who has initiated the divorce and is this on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour?

She did, and yes she cited unreasonable behaviour. He had an affair years ago, but they worked through it. But their relationship had completely broken down, they didn't communicate, they were both unhappy for years by the sounds of it. I have asked him what she wrote in the divorce petition.. he said she just cited incidents where they argued and he shouted at her... I have no idea whether this is grounds for divorce..!

Oh, dear god, he's bloody classic! Sticking to the script alright. Had affair in the past, check. Still married and 5 minutes out of a 20-year marriage but already getting involved with someone else? Check. Rushing into her meeting his kids? Check. Blaming everything on his wife? Check.

Sweet Jesus, even my teenage daughter's aren't naive enough to fall for this type of claptrap.

I'm not sure what I can do other than ask him to take things a bit slower and not involve me in family gatherings for a while...

they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

And yet nothing else you wrote indicated that they have particularly made you welcome. Having read your subsequent posts there are red flags all over this one - both him and his parents and family.

Why on Earth are you giving him all the power here? Is your self-esteem really that low? You're a free agent here, no strings attached, no kids, carefree, letting this old codger with tons of baggage lead you round like a dog. C'mon. Tell him to shove off! No idea why anyone needs this much drama from a boyfriend of 5 minutes. Sad.

He says she just refused to go. So to avoid arguments he just went by himself

Well you've seen the way they treat their current DIL, she's visiting them and they don't say a word to her. Any reason to think they treated his ex any differently?

Keep in mind People rarely just walk away from a marriage especially with young kids she did not leave him in a whim she claims she did just that, but the evidence suggests otherwise. She literally walked out taking the kids, lock stock and barrel while he was at work. Claims she decided on a whim while she was visiting friends for the weekend, yet took their passports and birth certificates with her.

So yes, there's more to it for sure. He says they were just miserable. But I do wonder what prompted her to pull the plug in quite such a catastrophic fashion.

Carry on as you are, being friendly but taking nothing for granted. Ears and eyes open, radar on alert for signs of any problems. It looks as though MIL had problems with both her ddil's - it may be her fault, it may be theirs! You could be her new Best Friend. And you're right to take it slowly, especially be where the dc are concerned.

Refusing to visit for 2 decades? Shit op, big back story I would think....