Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

New boyfriend and his family - am I being massively sensitive?

95 replies

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 14:25

I've been seeing DP for 6 months, he's in the middle of a messy divorce. They separated 6 months before he met me after 20 years of marriage, so it's all still fairly raw and recent.

I've met his parents, they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

Recently his brother and his family came to visit. I was initially not invited to the family gathering, but DP invited me along. However when I got there I felt massively uncomfortable as his brother and his wife were very cool with me, made no effort to talk to me and I had to make all of the effort. When I walked in the room they didn't get up, just looked over and said Hi then carried on talking to their kids...They literally asked me no questions, i initiated all the conversation and in the end I just gave up and talked to the children in front of them rather than keep flogging a dead horse. DP noticed the awkwardness as well and felt very uncomfortable. I wondered whether they actually knew I was coming, or were even aware that DP had a new GF at all...

BF has 2 DCs. We have been careful not to rush things, so I met his DCs for the first time last week, they were lovely with me and appeared fine with him having a GF.

He keeps insisting he wants me to be a part of his life, and that his parents are delighted with me. But recently a few things have come up. His mother invited him to dinner, but didn't invite me. It was awkward, and turned out that they assumed I would be coming but I didn't want to just assume, so I didnt' go... they felt really bad about it, and it just made for a very awkward conversation the next time I saw them. At the same time, DP had messaged his brother to ask about going to visit.. he asked me to go too, but in his text he wrote "Could the DCs and I come to stay?". I challenged him on this, and he said he meant all of us but just assumed his brother would know to include me. I said it wasn't at all clear from his text that me meant for me to be included, and I didn't want to turn up at his brother's to be made to feel like they weren't expecting me again...

He is now trying to arrange for me to go on another family visit, this time with his DCs. We've had an argument about it - I've said I can't be confident that he has clearly communicated to his family that he is with me and that they will welcome me. Likewise I can't be confident his DCs are fully aware and happy for me to be there if he's not communicating, but just assuming that everyone considers us a couple..

Am I being over sensitive here? Is DP being crap at communicating?

I think he's trying to rush us as a couple, integrating me into his life before his family are really ready to accept that. Am I right?

OP posts:

afterashowerr · 04/05/2019 18:10

I'm just cringing at you calling him your boyfriend, a man who has been married 20 years and must be at least mid 40's, with the life experience of raising 2 kids and going through a divorce. I'm also thinking you're a lot younger. Even if I didn't like the ex wife, if I was BIL I wouldn't be rushing to get to know everything about you until I knew you were long term. I wouldn't be rude or ignore you but I wouldn't be acting like you were a new member of the family.

FireflyEden · 04/05/2019 20:57

He has accepted equal responsibility? No OP, it's not equal if one person in the marriage had the affair, and that person should take all responsibility for breaking his wedding vows, that Person is your DP.

I think you sound quite cautious and are probably already seeing the red flags for yourself. Just keep listening to your gut instinct OP. He sounds like he is trying to make his wife jealous by introducing you to his kids etc etc. Please do not be the rebound fling.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 21:01

Well this got a bit unpleasant 😔

Dieu · 04/05/2019 21:41

@Bluntness100

I honestly didn't mean to come across that way

PinkGlitter123 · 04/05/2019 21:46

It can work. Know someone who got out of a long marriage which they were very happy in but got cheated on. Lived apart until April last year, separated officially in July, met someone new a month on and now more happy than they ever thought possible. Family and friends adore them as a couple too. Sometimes it does just work, not all are typical 'rebounds'.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/05/2019 21:48

Have you thought they might think you’re the ow. He was married for 20ywars with two kids his marriage ended 6months who and straight away he’s has a new gf he introducing to his family and dc, it’s all been rushed and totally unfair on his dc who haven’t even had chance to get their head round their parents divorce and now a new gf is on the scene and wanting to attend family get togethers and weekends away. Are you quite young by any chance?

MitziK · 04/05/2019 21:52

Just wondering -

Could the disappearing when he was at work, complete with all the passports, etc, actually be a planned escape from coercive control/abuse? Plenty of people who suffer in marriages find their voice once they are out of the house - and can overcompensate. It's not clear whether she has said this to you personally or whether it's the version given by your boyfriend/family.

And it could also be that leaving was rattling around in the back of her mind for a long time, until a certain incident sparked it off - like the 'shouting' (which might be completely different and not the version he gives, such as enraged screaming, threatening, ignoring, smashing things, isolating her) - at which point, she thought 'I'm not doing this anymore'.

For some people, there is one tiny thing that tips the balance and everything changes, after years of other things not being quite enough.

Be wary of lovebombing. This could be a classic example.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 04/05/2019 21:59

MitziK that's exactly what I was thinking. Because that's what I did. Fled while he was out

Tinkerbellx · 04/05/2019 22:02

I think it's all moving a little quickly tbh .
One of my absolute rules after my divorce ( 25 year marriage ) was not to date any guy who hadn't been out of long term relationship or divorce 18 months at least .
No matter how much he and you get on trust me after twenty years he will need time to re adjust and heal and you don't want to be his rebound .

Divorce no matter what the situation is hard .
Those two dc have seen their parents split in the last year and he's bringing you to a family gathering a week after you met them .

I was with my dp a year before he set eyes on my children and then it was very brief and natural .
18 months before I met his family and am now very happy to be part of .

His family probably realise he is vulnerable at the moment and don't want to see the dc get hurt if this doesn't work out between you .

PBobs · 05/05/2019 07:17

My MIL would say I alienated her. Load of BS. She has narcissistic tendencies and can't let go of her baby. I refused to have anything to do with her after some really rather strange conversations. But she still tells everyone I'm the devil DIL and refuses to engage with her son now too. Tread carefully.

another20 · 05/05/2019 08:11

In his defence he's well aware of what was wrong in their marriage and accepts equal responsibility.

Why does his wife have to take equal responsibility for HIM having an affair? It is 100% his responsibility. Why does his wife have to take equal responsibility for the marriage collapse when his ADDITIONAL unreasonable behaviour was cited and he has not denied it?

Why are YOU “defending” this man’s behaviour? He will have minimised his behaviour. The “affair” could have been a one night stand, many one night stands, a short single affair, multiple long term affairs, hook up sites prostitutes - or a combination of all of the above.

Same with the “unreasonable behaviour” - may have been emotional, sexual, verbal, physical violence and / or coercive control over many years. You don’t know.

PinkGlitter123 · 05/05/2019 09:34

To be fair though an affair is often a symptom of something that is going on inside the marriage. Perhaps communication problems. That's why people say to take some time out after a marriage split to work out the part individually played in the breakdown of it.

RadishesAndLentils · 05/05/2019 10:37

I'm just cringing at you calling him your boyfriend

Genuinely wondering what else she is supposed to call him. My boyfriend is 57 and a widower. Feels a bit silly calling him my boyfriend as he isn't a boy. But, to me, 'partner' is a lot more serious. Someone you live with and share bills with.

Not really in topic, sorry.

Agree with everyone else. Take it slow, Op. It's early days.

another20 · 05/05/2019 11:02

What victim blaming clap-trap.

So if you were having issues communicating with a work colleague an appropriate response would be to stick your cock up the vagina of another colleague?

PinkGlitter123 · 05/05/2019 11:41

Another20 I don't really understand what you are saying.
My point is, most affairs happen because of something going on in the marriage/relationship.
It's not always as black and white as people make out.
I feel sympathy for anyone being cheated on but think both partners need time to reflect on why the affair happened and give themselves time before getting into the next relationship where same patterns will most likely be repeated.
Affairs are not the way forward, nor do I agree with them in anyway but they are a symptom of something going wrong/needs not being met in current relationship

another20 · 06/05/2019 10:34

It's not always as black and white as people make out.

Yes it is that black and white.

An affair is never an acceptable response to anything at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/05/2019 10:51

Cold, I read your initial posts that you were looking for validation that you were accepted by all the family members and you've realised, in subsequent posts, that everything's not as clear-cut as you first thought.

My 'red flag' is that unless you've spoken to this man's ex-wife, you have no idea why she left and what was behind it. The only thing you can genuinely guarantee is that you'll get a sanitised and odorised version from him. That's a given. He's cheated (which you know), what else don't you know?

Pull back. Pull right back. No more family stuff, not this early on.

I don't understand your post either, another20, why would a colleague be sticking their cock in another colleague at all?

An affair is a symptom and sometimes a catalyst, not black and white for everybody either. Acceptability of it is not the issue.

another20 · 06/05/2019 10:59

My clumsy analogy of a marriage communication issue with one in a workplace was trying to show that if there was an issue in a workplace relationship with communication - it would not be acceptable to shag another colleague.

Totally agree that many relationship issues are not his or her fault - but an affair is never a defensible action - but maybe that’s just me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/05/2019 11:03

I'm still unclear, another20 but that's probably just me.

I will concede that affairs are NEVER the right thing to do, not ever. Not for any reason. The point I was making was that they're (in my opinion) the route that some people take for various reasons that are not always black and white.

PinkGlitter123 · 06/05/2019 11:04

I didn't say an affair was acceptable at all. But it is a symptom of something going wrong in a relationship and so not as black and white as people make out. It's disgusting to be cheated on and a very weak thing to do but it isn't black and white.

Flip

1 2 3 4