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Original poster

New boyfriend and his family - am I being massively sensitive?

95 replies

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 14:25

I've been seeing DP for 6 months, he's in the middle of a messy divorce. They separated 6 months before he met me after 20 years of marriage, so it's all still fairly raw and recent.

I've met his parents, they're lovely and delighted he has a GF because they hated his exW who alienated them. So they have made me very welcome in the family.

Recently his brother and his family came to visit. I was initially not invited to the family gathering, but DP invited me along. However when I got there I felt massively uncomfortable as his brother and his wife were very cool with me, made no effort to talk to me and I had to make all of the effort. When I walked in the room they didn't get up, just looked over and said Hi then carried on talking to their kids...They literally asked me no questions, i initiated all the conversation and in the end I just gave up and talked to the children in front of them rather than keep flogging a dead horse. DP noticed the awkwardness as well and felt very uncomfortable. I wondered whether they actually knew I was coming, or were even aware that DP had a new GF at all...

BF has 2 DCs. We have been careful not to rush things, so I met his DCs for the first time last week, they were lovely with me and appeared fine with him having a GF.

He keeps insisting he wants me to be a part of his life, and that his parents are delighted with me. But recently a few things have come up. His mother invited him to dinner, but didn't invite me. It was awkward, and turned out that they assumed I would be coming but I didn't want to just assume, so I didnt' go... they felt really bad about it, and it just made for a very awkward conversation the next time I saw them. At the same time, DP had messaged his brother to ask about going to visit.. he asked me to go too, but in his text he wrote "Could the DCs and I come to stay?". I challenged him on this, and he said he meant all of us but just assumed his brother would know to include me. I said it wasn't at all clear from his text that me meant for me to be included, and I didn't want to turn up at his brother's to be made to feel like they weren't expecting me again...

He is now trying to arrange for me to go on another family visit, this time with his DCs. We've had an argument about it - I've said I can't be confident that he has clearly communicated to his family that he is with me and that they will welcome me. Likewise I can't be confident his DCs are fully aware and happy for me to be there if he's not communicating, but just assuming that everyone considers us a couple..

Am I being over sensitive here? Is DP being crap at communicating?

I think he's trying to rush us as a couple, integrating me into his life before his family are really ready to accept that. Am I right?

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 16:17

Refusing to visit for 2 decades? Shit op, big back story I would think

I doubt it was like that throughout the whole marriage, more likely it grew in recent years. I don't really know though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 16:19

He took his DCs away on holiday for a week during the recent easter hols. We both decided it was best I didn't go - I think that was sensible.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 16:30

This thread would make an interesting read were it part of a novel. Unfortunately this is your life. Do be careful.

Drum2018 · 04/05/2019 16:30

There are many red flags when reading your posts. His parents are all over you yet don't engage with their DIL and hated your partners ex. You know you're likely to be next on their hate list if you stick around. Dp has blamed his ex for walking out on a whim. No way did she walk out on a whim - it had to be well thought out and planned and there had to be good reasons for that. He's shoving you into meeting his family and some of them seem disinterested in your relationship which would make me wonder what the real reason for his separation is. They may be very close to his ex and feel uncomfortable having you around. Maybe Dp's brother and SIL could shed some light on it - and tell you some truth! I'll be honest, from reading your posts I'd seriously reconsider being in a relationship with this guy. It's far too much too soon. If you do stay with him, keep your independence, don't move in together, and keep a bit of distance from his family and kids until his divorce is settled and he's in a better place to move forward with his life.

MrsKrabbapple · 04/05/2019 16:33

Yes it was sensible. It shouldn’t really have been on the table.

What you should be doing is seeing him, dating him and also living your own life.

So he says ‘on Sunday my mum is cooking a roast dinner’ and you say ‘lovely, I’m going out with Linda on Sunday. We might go the cinema’. Do you want to go to that Italian place on Saturday night?’

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 16:34

I'd be very wary, the first thing that my ex's parents said to me when I met them was " oh you're so lovely, you're nothing like X, X was horrible, she did so many bad things and cut us off..." Unfortunately, I had a baby before I realised just why they were cut off. They're now cut from my life too.

People who tell you about how awful others are to them, are usually telling you how "awful" they're going to say you are in a few years.

Don't take their version as gospel...

FireflyEden · 04/05/2019 16:37

You need to stop fgs, you have only been dating 6 months, he is going through a messy divorce, all his energy should be focusing on his children, not making you centre of attention.

Everydaypeople · 04/05/2019 16:41

What firefly said, will bells on.
You’ve only been dating for 6 months, this is meant to be the honeymoon period. If there’s this much drama already I’d be running for the hills

Hollowvictory · 04/05/2019 16:41

He's not even divorced yet.

RhubarbTea · 04/05/2019 16:44

6 months ago you didn't even know him. You need to throttle back considerably. At this stage I'd expect to be staying over once or twice a week (if that) at each others place when the kids are not around, and nobody on either side having met any family. Idealling not meeting kids or just as a friend for a short time. That's just waaaay too fast. And I have done things quick in the past so I am talking from experience here. It isn't just him who is rushing either. You need to give your ideas a shake up regarding how much his family should be welcoming you.
Plus, dating someone who is in the middle of a messy divorce (and I have done that twice - never again) is a very very bad idea. You are his transitional woman, or will be if you get too serious too soon. Back off and see what grows when you give the relationship some light and air.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 04/05/2019 16:48

Not divorced, not 5 minutes out of the marriage, he cheated in the marriage (his version is only one affair), kids, loads of family drama. It appears the OP thrives on it, though, because anyone with a modicum of self-esteem wouldn't have given this bloke the time of day.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/05/2019 16:51

The more you post the worse it gets.

Honestly there are more red flags here than a communist parade.

He is giving you a load of edited half truths does it really sound likely she picked up the passports and just left ON A WHIM...

Please read the link - he has no self awareness at all as to why his marriage failed.

Hollowvictory · 04/05/2019 16:56

Enjoy going on dates as a couple. Leave all the family and kids stuff for now. This should be the fun months of a new relationship and tbh it all sounds like a lot of faffing about who said what to whom.
Arrange a nice date. Do t get involved with his family.

Hollowvictory · 04/05/2019 16:57

Also he's still someone else's husband at this stage!

Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 17:06

He is giving you a load of edited half truths does it really sound likely she picked up the passports and just left ON A WHIM...

I agree. She is adamant she left on a whim. He has tried to get her to admit it was planned, she denied it. It's her who is editing this part of the story, believe me. He knows full well it was planned, but she won't admit it.

In his defence he's well aware of what was wrong in their marriage and accepts equal responsibility. He's glad it is over and is fine with things now. He sees the DCs every other weekend and one night in the week, during which times I stay away of course. But yes I agree it has been too fast of late and I'm going to avoid any family situations for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 17:08

Enjoy going on dates as a couple. Leave all the family and kids stuff for now.

Yes, hell yes this is what I want. I didn't really realise it until now. But this has crystallised it. I need a breather to enjoy just us again

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/05/2019 17:09

Are you much younger than him, OP?

Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 17:10

He also has a sister who I've yet to meet... i think I'll give her a wide berth for a while!

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/05/2019 17:11

No - just 3 years younger but I've never married and have no kids

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 04/05/2019 17:13

Have you met the wife? How do you know all of this about his wife and what she has said and done?

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2019 17:15

Have you met any of his friends?

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 04/05/2019 17:16

You're determined to spunk your life on a known cheater who's still married with kids who's got more red flags than a Labour conference so best of luck dealing with all this drama and bollocks. He sounds like a real catch, said no one ever.

Foxmuffin · 04/05/2019 17:22

The family of divorced men are pretty strange and standoffish.

My DHs family behaved like this and he had been divorced 5 years when we met and separated longer. I was the first serious relationship since then. I was a professional woman with my own home so not like I was trying to rip him off as his family believed his exW had. His family would actually leave me out of Christmas cards etc. It left me in tears one year. They would come to OUR home and exclude me from cards. One family member did it weeks after I’d had his whole family to lunch and cooked for them. It was like I didn’t exist and I felt they were always watching how I interacted with his child. Even after a couple of years when I regularly took him out and watched him when DH was working. They’d tell me about DSS like I didn’t know him when the reality was I spent a lot of time with him. More than most of his family.

Fast forward to getting married and having our own DC and suddenly I’m in the club.

It was a difficult few years and I did resent them. My family all welcomed DH and DSS with open arms. I couldn’t understand why they seemed to refuse to acknowledge my existence. My Mum still finds it difficult to understand and holds it against my MIL. She took it personally!

I would just try not engage with them too much and only return gestures. It gets exhausting constantly trying to gain approval and I think you only play into their hands. You can’t win so let it ride out and see how it progresses over time.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 18:01

I'm curious if you've ever met the wife op too, or if this is just what he is telling you?

Bottom line this is the honey moon period. Date, have fun, there is no reason to rush in.

I know from my own parents divorce there are some men who hate to be alone, they hate to parent alone, and they hook onto the first available woman to prevent this. It doesn't mean it won't work out, but he could be one of these men,

Instead of letting him try to make you that woman, try to spend some time getting to know him first.

Dieu · 04/05/2019 18:10

It sounds like you are the one being a bit needy, OP. Sorry. Why would you need to be invited to every family thing anyway, especially at this early stage?