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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said respect is earned

90 replies

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 03/05/2019 08:00

So I am one of those boring people who lead a normal life. I have few but good friends. I have been seeing this guy who said this to me. What would you say to them? I have never done anything on his behalf, or anyone’s for that matter, so I was quite surprised to be honest, your thoughts?

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 03/05/2019 08:02

I would probably avoid a further discussion with somebody who said this.
It's often indicative of a mindset that 'me respecting you looks like me treating you as a human being. You respecting me looks like you treating me as superior to you'

Mummaofmytribe · 03/05/2019 08:07

Eh? Did he mean you have to earn his respect? Surely we all treat anyone we meet with respect until given reason not to.
Does a list of how to earn his respect follow?
It sounds a very offputting thing to say to a potential girlfriend Hmm
Someone warning me of that would be a reason they'd lose MY respect. He's not the headmaster of an unruly pupilConfused

Aussiebean · 03/05/2019 08:08

Well I do agree with the sentiment, but can see a whole undercurrent that could be attached.

What was the context?

DesperadoDan · 03/05/2019 08:10

My ex used to say that, he turned out to be an abusive twat, I wouldn’t bother op.

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/05/2019 08:12

Not my view. I believe everyone is entitled to be assumed worthy of respect unless and until they prove otherwise. Isn't that how we all expect others to treat us and why is that in any way unreasonable? Your friend sounds like an egotist who feels entitled to have others obliged to prove themselves worthy of his respect.

Original poster
Canthearthroughmyglasses · 03/05/2019 08:14

He has said other things to, this was said because I interrupted him after he was speaking aggressively to me. We were discussing normal things and I said that it sounded like he had no respect for me to which he replied that I would have to earn it 😳 and honestly I have not done anything to call upon me this reaction, I did say I knew my worth and I wasn’t going to be spoken to like that. This was totally uncalled for. Just wanted to know what others might have said.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 03/05/2019 08:18

God, just bin him, he's an arsehole. He clearly sees himself as naturally your superior. It will only get worse the deeper in you get with this relationship.

ukgift2016 · 03/05/2019 08:19

Um just dump him. He is a loser.

AuntieStella · 03/05/2019 08:20

There are people who think respect has to be earned (rather than having a start point that everyone is worthy of respect unless they do something to lose it) - I've seen plenty of posts on MN from people who have that world picture, so perhaps some will spot this thread and comment from that POV.

I don't share it, and so see this as a straightforward put-down. I doubt very much I would have said anything at the time. And after that date had ended, it' should quite possible I would have nothing to say to him ever again. I think a dynamic where one person expects the other to prove themself worthy is a very unhealthy one.

So unless there is a possibility that he misspoke, and really never meant it, I would be really quite wary of becoming attached to him

sue51 · 03/05/2019 08:20

Huge red flag. Do you really want him in your life?

MzHz · 03/05/2019 08:21

He’s shown you who and what he is.

Listen.

Then walk.

crumpet · 03/05/2019 08:23

It sounds as if your values and his are not matched. I hate the respect must be earned mindset - we should treat everyone with respect unless there is a clear reason not to

isabellerossignol · 03/05/2019 08:23

I think to be a decent human being the default should be that you treat people with respect unless their behaviour shows them to be unworthy of it.

I find that people who demand that you earn their respect tend to be the people who consider themselves superior to everyone else.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 03/05/2019 08:23

OP, you’ve done well to spot the evidence early on. Get rid and improve your life immediately - he can’t be bringing much to the party.

wildcherries · 03/05/2019 08:23

An (early) red flag that you should heed. In the bin with him.

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 08:24

No. Everybody should be treated with respect. He sounds like a dick

MrsMozartMkII · 03/05/2019 08:24

He's an arse.

Step away lass. 'Earned' respect is reserved for work or a particular life experience, whereas general base respect towards the vast majority of other humans should be a given.

nrpmum · 03/05/2019 08:24

Tell him he has lost yours, and that he can fuck off and find someone else to respect worship him

TeaForDad · 03/05/2019 08:25

There's a 1% chance he isn't a knobhead.

Like almost everyone who says "if I offend you then tough" they usually mean "I'm a socially awkward self important git"

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 08:25

Just saw your update. Don't let him speak to you like that. What an arse hole. Bin bin bin bin bin.

Racerback · 03/05/2019 08:26

Yeah, he doesn't like you.

Tell him you don't respect aggressive, opinionated arseholes. As you dump him, obvs.

TemporaryPermanent · 03/05/2019 08:27

Sounds like 'you made me feel cross'. Except he sees himself as some kind of gang warlord.

Move on.

Divebar · 03/05/2019 08:28

The next thing you know he’s got you by the throat and is punching you in the head because you answered back in an argument or his shirt wasn’t ironed properly!

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 08:29

Massive red flag

Tell him he has earned your contempt and that you don't wish to see him again.

misskatamari · 03/05/2019 08:29

Ugh get rid, he sounds awful.

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