He said respect is earned

[Canthearthroughmyglasses]

So I am one of those boring people who lead a normal life. I have few but good friends. I have been seeing this guy who said this to me. What would you say to them? I have never done anything on his behalf, or anyone’s for that matter, so I was quite surprised to be honest, your thoughts?

What would I say?

“ now why the fuck would I want to do that. “

In light of the context of the conversation you were having with him, then definitely dump him!

You’ve been seeing him for how long?
I wouldn’t immediately afford blanket respect (aside from universal considerations) to someone I’d seen once or twice. They could be a complete arse.

Nice early reveal from this arsehole. Dump him today. Smile as you do it.

he was speaking aggressively to me. We were discussing normal things and I said that it sounded like he had no respect for me to which he replied that I would have to earn it

Er, you what, mate?
Run a mile OP

It's not about 'blanket respect' though, is it?

It's about according a level of basic respect, according a level of civility, equality etc, until an individual shows themselves not to be worth it!

Basically starting a relationship assuming that you are no better and no worse than the other party and allowing them to earn your trust and more implicit respect! Otherwise you just live in a world weher everyone is 'beneath you' - don't you?

Though I assume that this is a schism based on individual interpretation of 'respect'

Uuurgh, he sounds unpleasant. I think he has earned himself a goodbye, hope you agree, OP.

Reading between the lines you are a decent person with decent friends and little experience of this kind of person. His attitude has taken you by surprise.

Don’t doubt yourself: your gut reaction was correct, he’s not the sort of person that adds anything to anyone’s life.

Namenic you sound like hard work to be honest. Have you mellowed over the years?

Flipping heck - how would you 'earn' his respect (should anyone want to)? Doing just everything the Lord and Master wanted? Being everything the Lord and Master wanted you to be? And then e would bestow upon you his 'Respect', upon which you would be eternally grateful and respectful?

Until, of course, he decides that you've done something/anything which is DISrespecting him. And then he has the reason to kick the shit out of you.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Namenic - I think that's respecting their opinion, a different thing to having basic respect for another human being. It sounds like he was confused about what respect actually is, and I wouldn't agree with your definition of respect either (though I respect that that's your opinion ;) )

Langrish how are you defining respect? To me on a fundamental level it's respecting other people's rights to bodily autonomy; to be able to express their words and to listen to them. To communicate with another from equal footing. Not behaving in a downgrading or deliberately offensive or provocative way towards them.

Then there's things like respecting their authority on a subject, respecting their skill or knowledge, or respecting their leadership. Those things have to be proven or earned in my opinion. To me in comparison the fundamental levels of respect are something I give to everybody, unless they've really been an arse in which case I'll remove the minimum possible to neutralise them. E.g. if they're verbally abusive, they get blocked, I walk away from or shut down a conversation. If they're physically aggressive I'll get the police to restrict their bodily freedom.

@ RubberTreePlant - it’s one of the first signs I think, that and jealousy. Also I didn’t realise the constant phone calls were to check up on me and what I was doing, I was so naive I thought it was concern.
Really pleased other posters agree this is a red flag.
Everybody deserves respect until they don’t for whatever reason.

@TinklyLittleLaugh Unfortunately, if you'd read my post at the bottom of the previous page, I think you'd see this isn't the first time the OP has encountered this sort of person as she's three months out of an abusive relationship. I'm concerned that the OP didn't walk away from this new chap as soon as any aggression was shown.

He has said other things to, this was said because I interrupted him after he was speaking aggressively to me Run!!

i also believe respect should be earned .

Definition in Cambridge dictionary:
admiration felt or shown for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities:

I think respect is something that is not easy to earn. It's connected to the values we as individuals hold dear.

It's possible to treat people with a basic respect but this does not mean that you respect them as individuals.

I'm curious (and terrified) by what some of you think the OP should do in order to earn enough respect from her partner that he doesn't speak aggressively to and over her

Every human being deserves respect and to be treated in a way that is consistent with equality and diversity.

Some positions indicate they should confer respect but in that context it is the performance in the position that confers respect.

He doesn't seem to recognise the basics.

'I'm curious (and terrified) by what some of you think the OP should do in order to earn enough respect from her partner that he doesn't speak aggressively to and over her hmm'

No need to be terrified. I don't think anybody is saying she needs to earn his respect, but rather respect in general needs to be earned rather than conferred on everybody.

You really really need to dump this one.

He's a total twat!

Well he's certainly not wrong because the way he behaves does nothing to earn your respect.

@ everyone that has commented, thank you. It’s good to read and enlightening.
He is know for this behaviour, (know him from previous work), I have only been single for a little bit or since February. Was dipping my toes back into the dating scene and he came across as really nice at first. My last relationship did not end too well. But I greatly appreciate everyone taking time to tell me this behaviour is rude/out of order.

Ew. Bin him.

My ex did that. Total arse of course.

He said exactly the same thing. Which in his mind meant he was entitled to he a complete prick to anyone who hadn't proved themselves to be worthy of his respect.

Egotistical. Borderline narcissistic.

Ditch him.

Haha @Tinkly - DH would probably agree! We have mellowed - both of us i think (been married 8 years). 1st few years were really hard though.

He came from a v calm family and behaved quite passive-aggressive. I came from a big argumentative family but you know where you stood.

The term respect is a loaded word and I think most people on here think we should respect everyone (eg listen and accept people’s individual choices).

BUT that admiration or deferring to someone’s opinion/choices above your own is ‘earned’ (eg by qualifications, past performance, good reviews from others etc). It would be silly to give the latter to everyone...

So ... until some unspecified time when you do some unspecified thing to earn his respect, he is allowed to treat you like shite - fuck that.

Not RTFT but ...
Respect is given not earned.