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Original poster

Am I being pathetic with this boundary I've created ?

90 replies

Tinkerbellx · 02/05/2019 23:38

So .... dp and I have been together 2 1/2 years .
I never imagined for a minute in real life I would ever meet someone I loved so much.
He is the most kind, caring,respectful man I have ever met and I feel so lucky .
He gets on really well with my dd age 8 and I felt so happy when , he asked her to come and help choose his new dog.
He's always had a dog and it's taken him 6 months to be able to get another one after losing the last one .
We're planning on moving in together next year so he took on board this ( choosing a child friendly dog that we all liked . )
The puppy is adorable .... and big it's a greyhound .

So .... When I had a dog years ago he was never allowed upstairs .... I guess with 4 babies I just preferred to keep them downstairs .
I've never had dogs in he bedroom either and certainly not on the bed .
Also I'll admit I'm a bit of a clean freak and he is the opposite .
He has a daily housekeeper and a cleaner .... the dog sleeps upstairs on or next to his bed .
Someone else half cleans up .

He thinks it's funny that I won't sleep on his bed until we've changed the sheets ( yellow , covered in dog hairs , dog smell and bits of god knows what when a greyhound has hung out on it all day and night ) .
I have had a conversation with him and said I appreciate his relationship with the dog and hope he doesnt mind me saying but I will not sleep in a bed the dog has been in and will not have the dog on the bed .
When he comes to mine I have relaxed with the upstairs rule ( cream carpet covered in muddy paw prints now ) , relaxed the bedroom boundary and have the bed next to him, but I will NOT have him on the bed .
So every time we sleep together at either house .... dog jumps on bed and he just says ' uh oh .... xxxxx doesn't really like you on the bed "
I have recently intervened and dragged him by the collar and shouted ( No ) !
Get down .
Also he leaves the bedroom door open so the dog just naturally gets on he bed right on my pillow !
So we had our first argument recently .
Planned night away .
Beautiful cottage .
Came to bed all ready for romance .... dog on bed .
He'd never seen me angry really but I think it shocked him that I slammed the door and told him he could sleep with the bloody dog !

He seemed shocked that it had upset me so much I had raised my voice .

Better shorten this now ..... he seemed to ask dog to get down more after understanding that for me this was an actual thing I can't cope with .
Don't think he realised how much I meant it .
So we talked about how good his puppy is and that if we're living together in a few months it would be really helpful if he got the dog used to not sleeping in or on the bed as mixed messages are confusing .
This evening I Skyped him and the dogs asleep on the bed next to him .

Part of me feels really selfish .... his house his dog .
Another part of me is really really unhappy that as we're living together in a few months and this is the only thing I have ever told him I'm not happy with he's just not going to to get it .
I really cannot sleep with a dog on the bed or in a bed that a dog has been in al day .
Maybe I should post this in that AIBU thread ?
But am I ?
Please be honest ?
He's no dc and been flipping brilliant with mine .
He has a dog and I'm making demands already ?
Sorry for rant x

OP posts:
Jaspermcsween · 02/05/2019 23:42

You are not unreasonable.
Dog on bed is minging.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 02/05/2019 23:45

I wouldnt like it.
Make sure the dog has its own comfy bed and insist it stays there.

DBML · 02/05/2019 23:46

Personally I think you aren’t being unreasonable. I’m not a dog person, wouldn’t want one in the house let alone on the bed...buuuuut, I guess it is his house.
I think I’d turn a blind eye to what he does in his own space, but I’d put more boundaries up at home ie a stair gate to stop the dog coming upstairs, or keep doors closed to prevent it entering bedrooms.

I really sympathise...I couldn’t share a bed with an animal either (unless it was my husband feeling randy).

Original poster
Tinkerbellx · 02/05/2019 23:50

DBML that made me laugh !
Thank you all . Really wasn't sure what response I'd get but So good to hear it's not just me .
X

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 02/05/2019 23:51

I don't think you're unreasonable.
Its not as if it's imperative that the dog sleeps in his bed with him, and I'm sure there is a compromise to be had whereby everyone (including the dog) will be happy.

RaffertyFair · 02/05/2019 23:52

I dont think yabu at all - and that's from a dog owner who does allow dog upstairs on bed etc. It's not fair to impose that on a partner. And as for the romantic weekend away, I'd have left the dog at home!

Ladysap · 02/05/2019 23:59

YANBU!! I would hate to sleep in a bed that a dog has slept on - I am a clean freak too though!

blackcat86 · 02/05/2019 23:59

Our cat regularly sleeps on the bed (or right in the fucking bedroom bedroom doorway to ensure you fall over him). Greyhounds are very attached like all long dogs. The problem is that you haven't both agreed consistent boundaries and that will impact the dog and a range of other matters when you live together. I think that if you feel that strongly then the dog needs to be shut downstairs but if it's used to being next to its owner, you may get howling, scratching, peeing/pooping.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/05/2019 00:00

I love dogs. 🥰🥰🥰

When I had a dog years ago he was never allowed upstairs

We had this too, it worked fine. The dogs were super loved and knew the rules.

Life is about compromise and your requests aren’t unreasonable AT ALL.

If he wants to live with you he should be thinking about this stuff now.
Ie. Training the dog, not letting the dog run amok dirty the carpets and mess up bedding.

He sounds too lazy to train the dog properly and seems to think you’ll run around cleaning up after him because he’s a dirty minger you’re the “neat freak”

Chocmallows · 03/05/2019 00:03

I'm a cat owner and she is allowed on beds, but well trained not to go near pillows. She rarely picks my bed, but it doesn't bother my partner if she does and he's staying over.

If it did I would keep her completely out of my room. I would respect his wishes as beds are for humans first!

Honeyroar · 03/05/2019 00:04

I have three dogs and two cats in the house, but none of them are allowed to sleep upstairs. I agree with you. However he's now trained this dog to do so and doesn't seem bothered that it upsets you. Both of these things make the future, when you move in, stressful.

BeUpStanding · 03/05/2019 00:24

You are definitely not being unreasonable at all

category12 · 03/05/2019 05:57

I'd be cautious about moving in together - he has a daily housekeeper and cleaner, and you're a neat freak. I'd be concerned that housework is going to be a huge issue between you. I get the impression he's a lot sloppier in general than you are, which is fine when you're not living together. Are you, as a couple, intending to keep the cleaner and housekeeper?

His inability to see how serious you were about the dog on bed thing also doesn't bode well for harmonious living.

pissedonatrain · 03/05/2019 06:24

What did he do with the dog he had before this one? Did he bring it around to yours and let it sleep in his bed?

Claredogmum · 03/05/2019 06:35

We have three dogs between us, two greyhounds and a lurcher. DP's dog slept on the bed with him until we moved in together. Now it's just not practical so all the dogs have beds in our bedroom and are totally fine. I don't like them on the bed because they take up too much space. The pup will be fine on a bed on his side of the bed but may try and creep up through the night...

AgentJohnson · 03/05/2019 06:36

He’s training the Dog to do the very thing he says he won’t do when he moves in. The thing is, the dog will be mightily confused when this suddenly stops happening, he’s not tea thinking about you or the dog. To be perfectly honest, I see major trouble ahead because he’s already playing lip service and I doubt that’s a strategy that he won’t employ elsewhere. Don’t get me started on the PA/ childish ‘xxx doesn’t like you being on the bed’ bulls hit that’s designed to make you feel bad.

Madamedeluxe · 03/05/2019 06:37

Some people would not mind. Like you, I would.

I nearly left my exh over the dog and I wish I had.

At the moment it’s his dog, his house but he is obviously more laid back than you and I think it will cause you problems.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 03/05/2019 06:41

YANBU at all. Growing up our dogs did not come upstairs or go on sofas. It seems to be a different world now; everyone has dogs and no one trains them. I think you need some separation between dog and human space.

Dirtybadger · 03/05/2019 06:42

I dont think youre being unreasonable.

And thats from someone who has their dog in their bed every night. Honestly I dont think I would be with someone who said my dog couldnt be upstairs. But I wouldn't half heartedly pretend to oblige. He sounds like he is just letting the dog in through laziness (cant be bothered to train it otherwise). He probably gets more sleep letting the dog in, too (IME they are usually happy to "sleep in" if with company).

If its a big deal for him he needs to communicate that with you less passively and you need to go your seperate ways.

Billyjoe10 · 03/05/2019 06:43

Totally agree with you, I love my dogs but they don't go upstairs and that's that. Never mind on the bed!! Maybe it's just how we've been brought up but I couldn't deal with it either. It's actually really important to sort it out now for the dogs sake also as it will be really unfair and confusing to pup to be allowed one day and told off the next. Similar thing happened with my twat ex when we got a new dog (very large breed). I do not allow or encourage dog to jump up and was teaching new large rescue dog this, he was actively encouraging it and with young children I just think it was stupid. And I ended up having to bollock the poor dog an awful lot because of it. I still feel awful about it. Explain to him you really don't want it and it's the dog that will suffer.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 06:48

Our fog sleeps on the bed but she's only a small dog and and we keep a throw on there too hat can be washed daily if necessary

I hope you're going to keep the cleaner and housekeeper when you move in together. What a wonderful idea!

Iwantacookie · 03/05/2019 06:49

Hmm. I'm on the fence on this.
Me personally have never had animals in with me overnight they always get locked in the kitchen.
My cats go and sleep on the beds in the day but if they were getting it dirty then they wouldn't be allowed upstairs at all.
I do think you need to put your foot down before you live together though.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 06:49

Dog not fog

Madamedeluxe · 03/05/2019 06:49

He’s got to agree with you and be committed to it otherwise he will allow it when you are not there and there will still be the issue of the dirty bedding and it will confuse the dog.

RubberTreePlant · 03/05/2019 06:54

If he was listening to you and taking you seriously, the dog wouldn't be on the bed.

Is he deliberately creating a barrier or living together, do you think? Or just self-centred?

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