Am I being pathetic with this boundary I've created ?

[Tinkerbellx]

So .... dp and I have been together 2 1/2 years .
I never imagined for a minute in real life I would ever meet someone I loved so much.
He is the most kind, caring,respectful man I have ever met and I feel so lucky .
He gets on really well with my dd age 8 and I felt so happy when , he asked her to come and help choose his new dog.
He's always had a dog and it's taken him 6 months to be able to get another one after losing the last one .
We're planning on moving in together next year so he took on board this ( choosing a child friendly dog that we all liked . )
The puppy is adorable .... and big it's a greyhound .

So .... When I had a dog years ago he was never allowed upstairs .... I guess with 4 babies I just preferred to keep them downstairs .
I've never had dogs in he bedroom either and certainly not on the bed .
Also I'll admit I'm a bit of a clean freak and he is the opposite .
He has a daily housekeeper and a cleaner .... the dog sleeps upstairs on or next to his bed .
Someone else half cleans up .

He thinks it's funny that I won't sleep on his bed until we've changed the sheets ( yellow , covered in dog hairs , dog smell and bits of god knows what when a greyhound has hung out on it all day and night ) .
I have had a conversation with him and said I appreciate his relationship with the dog and hope he doesnt mind me saying but I will not sleep in a bed the dog has been in and will not have the dog on the bed .
When he comes to mine I have relaxed with the upstairs rule ( cream carpet covered in muddy paw prints now ) , relaxed the bedroom boundary and have the bed next to him, but I will NOT have him on the bed .
So every time we sleep together at either house .... dog jumps on bed and he just says ' uh oh .... xxxxx doesn't really like you on the bed "
I have recently intervened and dragged him by the collar and shouted ( No ) !
Get down .
Also he leaves the bedroom door open so the dog just naturally gets on he bed right on my pillow !
So we had our first argument recently .
Planned night away .
Beautiful cottage .
Came to bed all ready for romance .... dog on bed .
He'd never seen me angry really but I think it shocked him that I slammed the door and told him he could sleep with the bloody dog !

He seemed shocked that it had upset me so much I had raised my voice .

Better shorten this now ..... he seemed to ask dog to get down more after understanding that for me this was an actual thing I can't cope with .
Don't think he realised how much I meant it .
So we talked about how good his puppy is and that if we're living together in a few months it would be really helpful if he got the dog used to not sleeping in or on the bed as mixed messages are confusing .
This evening I Skyped him and the dogs asleep on the bed next to him .

Part of me feels really selfish .... his house his dog .
Another part of me is really really unhappy that as we're living together in a few months and this is the only thing I have ever told him I'm not happy with he's just not going to to get it .
I really cannot sleep with a dog on the bed or in a bed that a dog has been in al day .
Maybe I should post this in that AIBU thread ?
But am I ?
Please be honest ?
He's no dc and been flipping brilliant with mine .
He has a dog and I'm making demands already ?
Sorry for rant x

YANBU. I would never sleep in a bed covered in dog hair. It’s my own personal choice. I’d be fine with the dog upstairs but not in the bed. I think you’re making a mistake moving in with him until this is sorted. What’s happening with the daily housekeeper when you move? It’s surely something to be concerned about? He’s not currently cleaning up after himself. Does he work full time?

Ugh no.
I think there are going to be problems ahead.

Aside from the dog, it looks like you are going to be the one who takes responsibility for all the cleaning and housekeeping when you move in, as he is just not used to doing it. You are already thinking you are possibly unreasonable because you have DC, so the logic will be that you have DC so therefore any additional domestic stuff is your responsibility- whereas in actuality, it is both your house = both your responsibility. But he pays someone to do housework and you do not, so you do not have the same experience and reality here. Or you are going to end up running around like crazy tidying the place from the number of people living in it so that the housekeeper can clean, and that will be your job as it is your DC, or something - I do not know, just does not bode well.

With the dog, your bedroom carpet is ruined, which would annoy me. Then your DP is ignoring what you are asking about the dog in the bed or bedroom - which means that he is not respecting your boundaries. Basically, the dog has been allowed to trash your stuff and the boyfriend is trashing your feelings about said dog.

And you are trying to rationalise this to yourself because you have DC and he does not. So what? Your stuff gets wrecked by dog and your feelings get ignored because you have DC? Don’t you see that sets up a recipe for relationship imbalance? You do not become less worthy of respect and being listened to because you have DC!

Honestly, do not move in until this is sorted (and send him a bill for carpet cleaning)

You don't seem very compatible to be living together tbh. Polar opposite standards on hygiene and cleanliness is not something that is easy to compromise on.

Unfortunately he's allowed the dog to believe his bed is the dogs bed so the poor thing will be confused when you are grabbing it and shouting it down.

I think you've got a man problem, not a dog problem. He should be taking your feelings into account and have set boundaries for the new pup from the beginning, knowing you'd be moving in together soon.

“I'm a cat owner and she is allowed on beds, but well trained not to go near pillows.l
🤣😂🤣

Why are you bringing a man to live with your eight year old? That’s pretty grubby in itself.

Say what?

Can you live together but have your own bedrooms? You can invite him to visit you when you would like him to

Not unreasonable with the dog on the bed but I think this is really about something bigger. If you and DP are going to live together then if something really matters to one of you that needs to be respected otherwise this will happen again with other things in the future

He's showing you how he will be when you have a disagreement - so there will only be compromise when you are watching, and he will undermine agreements.

I would call off the moving in for now. As others have said, he is a bit minging to have dirty sheets etc, and so it looks like you'll be stuck being housemaid if you move in as is. And it will always be 'well, it's your choice, I don't mind dirt.'

Animals being in bedrooms isn't necessary for an animal to feel loved. My old cat used to sleep on my bed until he became incontinent, so he spent his last 7 years confined to the downstairs (plus catflap) to minimise the mess. He quickly adapted, and I actually found that life was easier without a cat walking all over my head in the night, and without cat hair on the bed, so our three cats now all live downstairs too. There is nothing cruel about it.

It may be that you are both happier continuing to have separate households.

Doesn't sound like you're going to be compatible. He clearly doesn't mind the dog on his bed and he's shown you that he's fine with it.

Moving in is just going to cause arguments

He’s dirty.
For that reason alone I couldn’t move in with him.
At the moment it’s seems like a non issue but once you’ve moved in together it will become a massive issue.

As you say, this is the one and only issue which has caused an argument. He is not listening to you at all and that is not a good sign.

You need to have a serious chat, you need to be very clear that

1. You won’t sleep in a bed where a dog has been- the thought repulses you.
2. If you move in together the dog cannot go in the bedroom, so bedroom door needs to be closed.

See what his reaction is and you’ll have your answer.

@7yo7yo
Hes dirty

Really???? Where do you get that from?!!!
The guy has a cleaner and a housekeeper every day

What planet are people on here? I've never seen so many ignorant anti-dog people in one place.

I bet you wear shoes in the house, now that's dirty.

OP describes the bedsheets as "yellow , covered in dog hairs , dog smell and bits of god knows what".

I wouldn't say the guy is dirty, but it sounds like he has different standards to the OP.

The fact that he has a cleaner and housekeeper means he doesn't do much housework himself and I'd be seriously concerned that if they move in together, he won't step up but OP will find herself doing what his housekeeper and cleaner currently do for him, or he'll want to keep paying someone rather than step up.

I am a little confused.

If he has a daily housekeeper (and there is no reason to believe this won't continue) then why are his sheets yellow and dirty and smelly? Why are they yellow? It makes no sense?

Some people are fine with dogs on the bed, others not. This is fine there is no right or wrong answer.

However you both need to agree and stick to it. Right now you don't agree. So sit down and talk about it seriously and calmly as it seems it's a sticking point for both of you.

It doesn't, does it? Maybe a bad cleaner. Or a very dirty dawg.

Just because you have a daily housekeeper doesn’t mean the sheets are changed every day.

It’s not hard to imagine the sheets are changed once/twice a week, so they do get dog smelly and dirty.

We had a little dog and occasionally managed to get onto our bed. I hated it, I don’t want to sleep in a bed where a dog has been, even one I loved to bits.

My dog sleeps on the bed - I live alone so no problem. When I visit my bf with the dog, the dog sleeps in his kitchen. The dog has no issues with mixed messages - she's a dog, I'm not sure she could pick a human bed out of a lineup of furniture - she simply knows that this is where she sleeps at my bf's place. However, if we left her alone in my bf's flat I have no doubt that she would sleep wherever she fancied.

So yes, your bf needs to be trained to close the bedroom door. YANBU to be annoyed at him if he knew the door should be closed and deliberately left it open anyway.

Your losing control and slamming doors does make me wonder how this whole moving in thing is going to work, though. Not a great sign of good comunication between the two of you.

I wouldn't be with someone who threw a hissy fit because my dogs were on the bed.
I also would have asked them to leave if they started yanking one of my dogs by the collar and shouting no at them.

I am an equestrian so muck and dirt do not bother me and I'm always covered in horse and dog hair.
I do however keep my my house clean and change the sheets when required.

I am very lucky that my husband loves the dogs and horses as much as I do.

I suggest OP you find someone who maybe feels the same way as you do as you are clearly not suited to each other.

Dogs in bed, absolutely disgusting. Friends have greyhounds, great dogs for kids, as long as they get two decent walks/runs a day they will be mostly sleeping - ideally, in their own beds.

You dragged the dog by it’s collar shouting at it? Batshit

He’s well rid of you

Clean or not who wants a dog's nose on their bare arse mid shag?

Why are the sheets yellow?
Is it dog pee? His pee? Does he smoke in bed?

You could buy a couple of dog beds to put in the corner of the bedroom so the confused dogs have an alternative place to sleep when they stay over to hopefully avoid whining, barking and pining for him.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as a dog either, and I wouldn't want to sleep in dog hair infested sheets covered in dog wee

I have an ex-racing greyhound. From the moment she arrived I had a gate across the stairs and she wasn't allowed on the sofas. She never even tried to get on the sofas or upstairs (v unusual for greyhounds but actually her beds are more comfy than my furniture).

Here's the thing though - neither of you are being fair to the dog. Dogs thrive on gently, positively enforced rules and routines. Then they're happy. Happy greyhounds are an absolute joy.

So you and your DP need to agree the rules, stick to them, and always always reward the dog for keeping the rules and never shout/punish for breaking them.

If you can't do that as a team and trust each other to back each other up then, imho you can't live together. The dog will end up miserable and confused.