Am I being pathetic with this boundary I've created ?

[Tinkerbellx]

So .... dp and I have been together 2 1/2 years .
I never imagined for a minute in real life I would ever meet someone I loved so much.
He is the most kind, caring,respectful man I have ever met and I feel so lucky .
He gets on really well with my dd age 8 and I felt so happy when , he asked her to come and help choose his new dog.
He's always had a dog and it's taken him 6 months to be able to get another one after losing the last one .
We're planning on moving in together next year so he took on board this ( choosing a child friendly dog that we all liked . )
The puppy is adorable .... and big it's a greyhound .

So .... When I had a dog years ago he was never allowed upstairs .... I guess with 4 babies I just preferred to keep them downstairs .
I've never had dogs in he bedroom either and certainly not on the bed .
Also I'll admit I'm a bit of a clean freak and he is the opposite .
He has a daily housekeeper and a cleaner .... the dog sleeps upstairs on or next to his bed .
Someone else half cleans up .

He thinks it's funny that I won't sleep on his bed until we've changed the sheets ( yellow , covered in dog hairs , dog smell and bits of god knows what when a greyhound has hung out on it all day and night ) .
I have had a conversation with him and said I appreciate his relationship with the dog and hope he doesnt mind me saying but I will not sleep in a bed the dog has been in and will not have the dog on the bed .
When he comes to mine I have relaxed with the upstairs rule ( cream carpet covered in muddy paw prints now ) , relaxed the bedroom boundary and have the bed next to him, but I will NOT have him on the bed .
So every time we sleep together at either house .... dog jumps on bed and he just says ' uh oh .... xxxxx doesn't really like you on the bed "
I have recently intervened and dragged him by the collar and shouted ( No ) !
Get down .
Also he leaves the bedroom door open so the dog just naturally gets on he bed right on my pillow !
So we had our first argument recently .
Planned night away .
Beautiful cottage .
Came to bed all ready for romance .... dog on bed .
He'd never seen me angry really but I think it shocked him that I slammed the door and told him he could sleep with the bloody dog !

He seemed shocked that it had upset me so much I had raised my voice .

Better shorten this now ..... he seemed to ask dog to get down more after understanding that for me this was an actual thing I can't cope with .
Don't think he realised how much I meant it .
So we talked about how good his puppy is and that if we're living together in a few months it would be really helpful if he got the dog used to not sleeping in or on the bed as mixed messages are confusing .
This evening I Skyped him and the dogs asleep on the bed next to him .

Part of me feels really selfish .... his house his dog .
Another part of me is really really unhappy that as we're living together in a few months and this is the only thing I have ever told him I'm not happy with he's just not going to to get it .
I really cannot sleep with a dog on the bed or in a bed that a dog has been in al day .
Maybe I should post this in that AIBU thread ?
But am I ?
Please be honest ?
He's no dc and been flipping brilliant with mine .
He has a dog and I'm making demands already ?
Sorry for rant x

He is the most kind, caring,respectful man I have ever met and I feel so lucky
Here we go!
Fallen for him hook, line and sinker and you can't see the bullshit behind the facade.

When he comes to mine I have relaxed with the upstairs rule ( cream carpet covered in muddy paw prints now ) , relaxed the bedroom boundary
Why did you feel you had to change your boundary instead of expecting him to respect yours?
He knows how you feel about it - so what to his 'caring' nature?
What message is that sending to him - and the dog?
It shows that you don't really have strong boundaries in the first place and he's able to trample all over them.
To the dog it says that he's allowed on the bed/upstairs in YOUR home, you want him to get used to that and then expect him to be ok with the change if they move in?

He doesn't care enough for your feelings or boundaries so won't train his dog appropriately - either in his home or yours.
He's carried on letting the dog in bed even on a joint holiday - such 'kind and caring' behaviour huh?

He has a daily housekeeper and a cleaner .... the dog sleeps upstairs on or next to his bed. Someone else half cleans up
If he moves in then YOU will be doing this because you disregard your boundaries for him without him even asking you, and also because he can't/won't do it.

I think you should find someone more grown up and responsible to be with.
At the very least - take the rose coloured glasses off and see him for what he really is.

So really the op can't win and the relationship is doomed because her man is a selfish pig, she is an animal abuser, he's a woman abuser, he's dirty, she has a child and they both have the sheer audacity to own beds.

YANBU but clearly you are not compatible, there will be no ‘compromise’ as neither of you will be totally happy & nor will the dog.

I love my greyhounds but they don't come upstairs unless I need to bath them, I certainly wouldn't have them on my bed. I think it's up to him what he allows in his own house however, I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting the dog upstairs in your house.

I don't think you're remotely unreasonable. My dog is allowed in my bedroom (bit difficult to keep her out because it's a flat and I sit on my bed a lot) but she's not allowed on my bed (or sofa) and accepts that. She's a bit big for most dog beds so she has a single duvet folded in half on the floor (which can be frequently washed) and wherever in the flat or someone else's house I put it, she goes and lies down on it. If I had someone to stay and they didn't want to sleep in the same room as her I would put her bed in the living room. Your dp is being unreasonable about this. I can't bear sleeping in a bed a dog has been in and finding bits of dirt and waking up with fur stuck in my mouth, it's vile.

@OldAndWornOut

That did it for me

Offer him a choice. Long term relationship complete with sex life.
Or spooning his ddog.
Unfortunately he can't have both.
There are laws...

Our animals sleep on the bed, 3 cats not dog but I’d happily share with a dog
If my now DH had not liked it, it’d have been a deal breaker.
His dog, his house, his rules.
I am not a fan of clean freaks though, dirt is healthy! And dog cuddles are lovely. Much nicer than grubby children who are full of germs.

Of course you’re not unreasonable. I wouldn’t allow any dog on the bed (and greyhounds absolutely honk!)

YWBVU to grab the dog roughly and to shout at it. That would have been frightening and confusing for it.

Your boyfriend is unreasonable for not making it clear that his boundary is dog sleeps on bed.

You have been unreasonable in not making clear and adhering to your boundary of no dog upstairs.

You are fundamentally incompatible as a couple and should probably not take the relationship further.

FFS, don't move in with him, op. It will be a disaster. He has already very clearly shown you he has no respect for your boundaries. This will not get better.

You just sound to be very different people.

He's not wrong for having the dog sleeping in the bed - plenty of people share their beds with their pets and so far as I know, none of them have died from germs!

But equally, your bed is your space and if you don't want to share it with a dog, that's your perogative. But I wouldn't be moving in with him because it just sounds like you're both going to become resentful.

My dog sleeps on our bed but both DH and I are happy with it. If DH didn't want him there, then we'd train him to sleep elsewhere.

YANBU why does he need to have the dog on the bed? Dogs are perfectly happy to sleep on their own beds. It's not like you are asking him to tie them up outside in the garden or something!
If you are in a relationship with someone you need to make reasonable compromises. You compromised by allowing the dog upstairs and in the bedroom.... yet he has not respected his end of this by keeping the dog off the bed. I would also be extremely angry about this.

Setting a boundary - fine.

Grabbing a dog by the collar and dragging it off the bed whilst shouting at it - when it is only doing what it knows has been acceptable every night until you came along - definitely not OK.

DP isn't hugely enthusiastic about the DTwatCats sleeping with us, mainly because one occasionally visits at night, takes massive leaps onto the bed like it's ten foot up and usually lands on his bollocks with a thud then curls up neatly at the end of the bed and goes to sleep all night and the other decides 30s after you get your head on the pillow that she lurves us very, very, very much and purrs, and purrs, and purrs, and rubs and kneads and eventually goes to sleep by my knee when I roll over and tip her off my hip.

I don't notice them once I'm asleep, as I've slept with cats since I was five - the agreement is that he removes them if they are disturbing him.

The key is, though, that he gently picks them up, fusses them and gently sets them down in the landing. They don't mind that - and, more to the point, I don't find that to be aggressive; if he were to shout at them or drag them around, he wouldn't have ever got to the stage of moving in. If anybody treated a dog of mine as you describe, I would have dumped them on the spot.

It's ok to not want the dig on the bed

Not ok to shout at it.

UGGHH this would be a deal breaker for me, l love my dogs ...but they have never gone upstairs or on furniture , let alone the bed!!

Earlier l watched D Dog lick his privates extensively before a(nutty imo)
neighbour let him lick her face! l NEVER would let any dog lick my face either.......

I think it is going to have to be either you or the dog,,,dog downstairs at all times or you leave...

The problem isn’t the dog, it’s his owner and until you accept that your bf isn’t ready to respect your boundary, it will be the dog not you, that suffers.

I can understand your frustration but taking out that frustration on a dog who’s only respecting his owner’s rules, isn’t fair or effective.

The moving in has to be postponed until your bf respects his dog and you and that clearly isn’t now.

Putting the issue of the dog aside, he seems like something of a slob but she seems a lot neater and tidier. That's a fundamental incompatibility. I get the impression from this forum the number one source of bitterness and resentment in relationships is housework. You'll drive each other mad OP. Don't move in with him.

I wouldn't date someone with a dog. Bad but it does really limit your life, days out etc. Also your boyfriend is choosing his dog over you, I wouldnt stand for it.

I would not want to sleep in a bed covered in dog hair, and I'm not a clean freak at all! You are definitely not being unreasonable!

It sounds like your partner had not realised how important this was to you... but then again, he hasn't done anything to stop it even now he has realised (after the argument). Make it absolutely clear that you will not move in with him until this issue has been sorted out.

I'd be seriously upset the dog had been upstairs in my house too.

Dh occasionally sneaks one of our dogs onto our bed. I hate it. Disgusting. I sleep in another room after getting angry about it. Dh gets the message.

I also think dogs need to know that they are not our equals, that they have their own place etc.

Stand your ground. And insist the dog doesn't even go upstairs in your house.

Can I ask what might be a stupid question? Why is it so awful for a dog to be upstairs but not downstairs? It’s still the same smelly, hairy dog with mucky paws wherever it is.

Let me guess. He's the most caring respectful man as long as everything goes his way otherwise he's a PA, boundary pushing twat.

It sounds like he got the dog and has done nothing to train it. The dog needs to be trained. It also sounds like he doesn't bathe the dog very often so it is dirty.

As for being clean because he has a housekeeper come every day, doesn't mean he himself is clean. It just means he's hired someone else to do it. Anyone who lives alone and is halfway tidy/clean wouldn't need someone to come and clean the house every day.

I think you should hold off on the move until he actually trains the dog and takes care of it properly. You find out if the housekeeper stays after you move in. Find out if he's only nice as long as he gets his own way.

The dog I had when I met DH used to sleep on the bed. DH wasn’t a fan so I stopped it and he had his own bed at the foot of our bed. When we lost him DH said next dog isn’t allowed upstairs, we had nice new cream carpets. I agreed and didn’t think it was unreasonable. It’s all about compromise.

Ask yourself op who will be cleaning up after your bf when a salaried house keeper isn’t around.

I think you are ignoring a lot of foreseeable problems and focusing on the dog when the issue is it’s owner and a fundamental incompatibility between you.