Mums of sons (your son, someone's future husband)

[BillyBusStop]

If you have a son, how do you think your parenting is going? I ask because there are SO many threads on here about women leaving abusive or coercive dh's. 70% or so of divorces are initiated by females. Tomorrow's dh's are sons right now & often on here wives & partners blame the dh's mother for the job she did bringing him up. I know we all try our best. I find it so disheartening that so many men don't want to hear about their wives discontent.

I’m trying very hard. I worry that because I’m the only parent and I’m female that it will create a strange sort of an impression on them that women do everything (because they are only seeing a woman do everything in their home) and that women are naggy disciplinarians because the only person who disciplines them is me. I try to counteract it with having them do a lot of their own chores (far more than I had to do as a child) and encouraging them to take a look around and see if there is something they could do to save someone else a job. And also by not always being stressed and shouty

i wonder about this too - more entitlement, more dominance and no-one will challenge as "that's just what men do".

Surely it is up to mums and dads to raise children well?

To teach our sons and daughters how to have healthy relationships and to be good partners? Why is this only a "mother/son" issue?

I don't blame mothers.

If an adult abuses someone that's their decision.

Do we blame mothers for other crimes of their kids?

Yes sometimes parent (both parents) has been less than stellar and caused issues. That doesnt give the man the ok to go on and abuse.

I think DS's future wife, whom he has not yet met, will be very very lucky. Also accept he is argumentative, entrepreneurial, passionate and stubborn. Rather like his father who I have loved for 30 years. Sometimes it has been v demanding but we are a team and there is no I in team.

I have a 22 year old son. He is in a committed relationship and treats her like a queen. His Dad was a cheating bastard. I would be gobsmacked if my son cheated, he is so respectful.

Women in unhappy relationships do talk and post about problems, men who are abused and mistreated by their partners... wouldn’t even admit it to their friends.

So the question should be, what are we doing to ensure our girls and boys are respectful of each other and see themselves as equal?

My son is six. I can't say his Dad is perfect but he tries. DS has had the occasional meltdown (when the word "no" is used!) and has thrown or gone to square up. On the one occasion the item he threw (his shirt) did hit me he was absolutely immediately mortified, heartbroken and threw his arms around me sobbing an apology because, as he said, "it's never okay to hit someone, and it's really bad to hit a girl." Id like to think that he would make a good partner to someone in the future!

When my son was six, we were walking home from school one day and he told me about the playground game "Abandon Ship," where the boys all swarm the climbing-frame and pretend to be pirates, then they go on a run around the playground and capture some of the girls.

"I don't think it's a good game," he said. "The girls might not want to be captured. No one asks them. It's not fair on them. It's not a good game." He thinks about these things very deeply - he's what my awful mother would call "too sensitive" - and I love him for it.

His "friend" once roughly knocked him over, grabbed his arm, dug his fingers in, and physically dragged him along the playground, really hurting and upsetting him. The parents minimised it as "low-level boy stuff." If their daughter had been treated that way, I think they would have felt differently.

We have a lot of conversations about right, wrong, different, respect, consideration, and love.

I'm afraid he is going to be one of those men who can't find things when they're right in front of him, though, and I don't think anything I can do will change that. Sorry

All parents (whether male or female) raising kids (whether sons or daughters) need to check their own attitudes towards the opposite sex, because kids are learning from us all the time. As a father to two daughters, it's something I'm very conscious of, and I think very carefully about the lessons I want them to learn from me.

This is your second post in a couple of days, @BillyBusStop, that seems to be based on a strong dislike for men, or an assumption that a majority of men behave in a negative way. That isn't true. Men are people, just like women. When you make assumptions based on a false belief that all or a majority of men behave a particular way, you're starting your interactions with your son from a negative place.

Teach him what a good man looks like. Show him positive role models. Teach him to be the best version of himself.

the playground game "Abandon Ship," where the boys all swarm the climbing-frame and pretend to be pirates, then they go on a run around the playground and capture some of the girls.
Does this really happen? Why is it allowed?
It horrifies me

My son who's at home is lovely but we need to crack on and work on his house skills. I'm home all day and it just gets done but he'll be a better partner if he knows what needs doing around the house. Emotionally he's kind, considerate and affectionate and makes nice friends so I hope he'll continue this in adult relationships.

We also try to model kindness to your partner and paying attention to their needs.

Mine have found 2 lovely gf/fiances
One is a daddy and really good parent. The other is leaving soon both have their own homes that they can maintain.
Both brilliant at DIY, gardening, plumbing and can manage money well.
Good steady jobs and from what I can see good partners.
Both have been able to manage a home from an early age, not that they have had to.

They are so good because we are selfish parents who wanted them gone early twenties so we could enjoy our lives. We didn't want them coming back due to being dumped as shit husbands and partners.

Imo a lot of DH problems stem from having a “good” mother who does everything for them. So the wife ends up with a lazy DH who thinks he doesn’t have to cook or do laundry or childcare. Or the DH is filled with his own self importance and not willing to do his fair share of sacrificing career and hobbies and sleep in order to look after his own DC.

Well... We spent 2 hours this evening getting him to tidy up his own room because he needs to be part of the family... I presume we'll get there eventually. He did pick me to accompany him to scouts last night because he knew whoever stayed home would have to do tidying and "mummy has to do lots of tidying and it would be nice for her to have some time off". Totally agree with him. Not sure if shepherding 20-odd over-excited small boys on a nature walk in the rain counts as timr off but i did appreciate the sentiment. I also caught him complimenting his little sister on how nice she looked in her (new, big school) dress which absolutely made her day, so I made it a teachable moment and heaped him with praise for being supportive and confidence boosting towards his sister.

He has a lot of stressful aspects as a son, but i suspect he'd make a pretty great boyfriend. Might need a bit more work before I'd encourage anyone to cohabit with him mind...

Ahhh, the First Rule of Misogyny rears its ugly head!

I’m with Putthatlampshade on this one.

It is early days in our house, but I think his dad is doing an ok job. Our kids may see that dad and I have preference for certain jobs / tasks but that we respect each other and our contributions. I think DH along with other men will teach him how to be a man, and his big sister is teaching him to treat girls as equals. He's shit hot at laundry, he could read the washing labels before he could read words. He doesn't like the big hoover, but he's too young to use it himself so I'm happy for him to go elsewhere when it is being used. It isn't just about me and him, it includes everything he sees.
He has noticed that I don't drive when DH is in the car, because DH is a control freak when being driven, and I like to have a rest. If he follows suit and that annoys his future partner, that's between them. Im taking the easy road on that.

What if my sons go onto have same sex relationships? Do I only have to do a good job if they are going to marry women?

Are you having relationship problems OP? Are you angry with your MIL?

Well Ds is only 6 months but I think it's going well. I'm not planning on raising him to be a good husband, he might chose to never marry or never find someone who wants to marry him (I highly doubt that though he's quite obviously perfect and I'm not in the slightest biased )
I will do my best to raise him as a good person though. I hope that he's happy and confident in himself and I really hope that he grows up knowing he can talk to us about any problems or issues that face him.

I don't think there is really blame as people tend to do what they know and have been raised with.

If the home dynamics are mum does everything for everyone, kids are going to see that and model it. They'll have entitlement that someone else should do the drudge work.

I think we have to keep in mind what it means to be raising children to adults. It's to raise them to be able to take care of themselves when they're grown, to be a productive member of society, and to care about others.

I read about a mum not wanting to get a dog because neither of the DS would take care of it. The DS were 11 and 14. There is no reason what kids that age can't take care of a pet. They have to be taught.

Taking it over because it's easier to do yourself isn't teaching them anything. Of course it's easier. You're the adult and already know how to do it.

Can they do laundry or cook a meal? Why not?

Of course Dads need to step up and do their part of teaching but if they are gone 10 hours a day and you're the SAHM then someone has to teach them. If the Dad's aren't gone that much then they need to do more and not think someone should be waiting on them hand and foot.

The things that have been modelled are often very ingrained and it will take a conscious effort to change it.

My DH has a useless mother who taught him zero about how to respect other humans.

He is however a wonderful man and a fantastic husband and father

I assume he has accomplished this himself because he is a decent human who has witnessed more relationships than the one he had with his mother and has read and listened and understood what acceptable behaviour is.

I (we) have brought my (our) children up to be kind, respectful people and find the question of whether I have done enough to make sure my son will be a good husband patronising. What if they are gay - do I need to worry about how they'd treat a partner, or would that not matter?
If somebody asked whether mothers were making sure their daughters would be good wives they'd get told where to go.

I think its more concerning when one parent is trying to counteract the bad and disrespectful behaviour of the other parent.
My children are young and i try to instil in them that kindness is key! But their father displays many anti social behaviours and in front of the children, trying to stear the children in the right way in spite of the other parent is very hard.

Why is this just down to mums of sons and not dads too?

At what point in my sons life will I stop being held accountable for his actions? Or will I always be held accountable because he is a mere man and I am a woman so any failing in on his part must automatically mean that I have failed as woman/mother?