Mums of sons (your son, someone's future husband)

[BillyBusStop]

If you have a son, how do you think your parenting is going? I ask because there are SO many threads on here about women leaving abusive or coercive dh's. 70% or so of divorces are initiated by females. Tomorrow's dh's are sons right now & often on here wives & partners blame the dh's mother for the job she did bringing him up. I know we all try our best. I find it so disheartening that so many men don't want to hear about their wives discontent.

My sons have two parents and we’re certainly both doing our best. Their father was brought up to be a decent human being and is not coercive, bullying etc, he respects women and pulls his weight around the home and hopefully this will trickle down to his own sons.

My sons will of course enjoy male privilege (albeit one is disabled which brings its own challenges of course) and I talk about this with them often. They’re kind, gentle boys same as their dad so I hope it continues

Mothers of sons? You appreciate that there is ordinarily another partner in this scenario. My friend is a male single parent of a son, how does he fit into this?

What a load of shit

yorkshirecountrylass you've told your 6yo "especially not to hit girls?"

My son is only 2 son it's hard to tell but I've worked very hard with my DSS who is nearly 10 and turning into a wonderful young man, so I hope this happens with DS too. I've taught DSS that chores are a shared responsibility and they arent anyones "job", we all pitch in to make our home a nice one to live in. I've taught him from a very young age about consent and the importance of respecting it. He is a very tactile person but always checks if it is ok with the other person first. When he comes out with potentially sexist comments (e.g. laughing at the idea of a woman doing something he would consider typically male) I challenge it right away and you can see the cogs turning and he then questions it himself.

It is hard work but I'm hoping that if he Carrie's on this trajectory then he will be a fantastic friend, partner, and person that people enjoy being around all throughout his adulthood.

I think this thread is depressing due to so many posters thinking they have it right but are describing their sons (proudly) in the context of the exact male social role that is causing us all so much inequality. Can you all not see it????

-my son is doing well at this because he knows not to hit girls
-my son is doing well because he is helpful around the house and good at cutting the grass and DIY
-etc etc

I’m raising mine to be strong independent human beings. I divorced their dad as he was verbally abusive, I didn’t want them to model that behaviour.
They have to help with chores, cook, clean, garden, wash car etc. They need to help as we are a team.

My son is kind and considerate, very thoughtful. ( most of the time) he did call himself master of the house once 🙄 we had a good chat about sexism and equality. I think children follow what they think/ are told is the norm.

Agree the thread is depressing, but for a different reason. -

Because both sons and daughters need good parents, so that everyone is raised to be a decent human being.

I do not feel greater responsibility or challenge for my DSes over and above my DD

I'm always amazed at the women married to a complete, abusive pillock, who says "but my little Georgey would never do that, he's so respectful and loving."

These are the same women who will be declaring their DIL a liar when she attempts to leave for domestic abuse in 25 years.

To repair the damage of witnessing domestic violence requires vigilance, active work and acceptance of the fact that terrible lessons have already been learned by your child. The cycle will never break with the assumption that your love of your son (and his inherent loveliness) is enough.

I know this puts responsibility on the mother, bit the abusive pillock of a father is hardly going to lead this process, is he.

Mother of nearly 18 year old son. He lives on his own specialist college and does all his own chores, washing, cooking. His girlfriend is spoilt by him.

I was a single parent to him for 13 years. His father was physically and mentally abusive.

He was bloody awful to live with for a few months up until he moved. Now he is the most respectful, loving man.

And if my son did turn out to be abusive @PicsInRed I'd kick his arse, and he knows it.

I got my son away from that at 6 months. He saw his father's behaviour, but he also saw my Dad's which could not be further from his father's. Not every abusers son turns out the same.

Pffft I'd be pretty pissed off to be blamed for any failings my adult sons demonstrate.
I've given affection, support, and discipline to all my boys as they've grown up.
Plenty of cuddles, never told "boys don't cry". There was also a bollocking for rudeness to anyone, particularly me. There were frequent reminders and demonstrations that they could come to me with anything.
And they still do. Often TMI with my eldest
They were all taught to cook, do laundry, clean a room properly.
They had equal responsibilities with their sisters. Not specific boy /girl chores.
Not everything people do as adults is their mother's fault. I had bloody awful abusive parents and modelled the opposite with my family.
What's that old chestnut my nan used to quote? "a mother's place is in the wrong"

Yeah good.
I work hard, long hours. I expect everyone in my house to pull their weight and from a young age.
They all know that it’s everybody’s job that the house ticks along.

I will not be raising useless shits that rely on someone else in life.
They are capable, respectful and know that there is a world around them of which they are not the centre.

I'm hopeful as I have a wonderful DH and we have a genuinely supportive 50/50 relationship, I think the riskiest factor is young boys experiencing the relationships described, women thinking their doing the right thing staying in an unhealthy relationship but allow their children to see it as a norm and the cycle continues. I also don't do every little thing for them, they will be brought up to be competent adults and not coddled. And it might be a bit controversial, not everyone will agree, but I have a career and am more senior than DH and I think that comes with benefits too.

I wont be "blamed" if my son becomes abusive, but I'll certainly work like hell to try to stop that happening.

Abusers always put a good face on to the outside world. Their domestic face is totally different. Especially if they now have a closer emotional (and maybe physical) punch bag.

Even if they seem delightful and like they're spoiling their gf, the private, behind closed doors reality could be so different. Been there done that, listened the the inlaws drone on about how lucky I was and how wonderful ex was.

So if a man is abusive, it’s not him, lets blame a woman near to him and blame his mother

What a weird opening post.

DH and I are raising our son, we hope, to be a good human being with a strong sense of integrity.

We are NOT raising him to treat a future female partner "like a queen", or to believe that hitting women is intrinsically worse than hitting men.

I hope he will model my DH who is a fully functioning adult who thinks I should be happy.

I hope my son will be nice to his future husband.

It's not about blame, its about responsibility. It's simply about seeing the risk and trying to mitigate it, rather than going into denial with platitudes about how lovely your own son is. Like abusive ex's parents did, and theirs before them.

It's about accepting that an abusive twat of a man isn't going to help prevent his son become like him (because he's perfect, and you had it coming 🙄🤨) so - as fucking usual - it falls to the mother to pick up the pieces.

It's crap, but it's reality.

Agree with Aunty Stella,
my son is gay, btw.
We have brought up our children to be respectful of people regardless of gender.

I'm doing the best I can, trying to get DS the support he needs in the minefield that is CAMHS. He has empathy and is very kind in his nature towards everyone, my worry is more that he will be taken advantage of. I worry that he won't find anyone that loves him the way that I love his dad, ADHD and all.

We have a strong marriage and friendship and the kids are safe and secure. We are respectful of each other and make a point to show the kids that this is an equal household, there are no defined male/female tasks. It's naturally that way but we challenge any stereotypes that he may pick elsewhere.

My parenting style is to ensure structure and consistency which helps my son cope better in a neurotypical world. I might be guilty of forgetting that he is a child sometimes and rein him in too much (in the eyes of others) but this is not to stifle him, it's about safety as he does not have an off switch and some of his behaviours need to be controlled for his sake and others.

What an odd post.

Why would you hold a mother responsible for their adult son behaviour?

We all parents with the best of intentions and try our best to raise a decent human being.

Be kind to other people, be kind to animals, consider the environment, that ought to cover it, I thought. I have one boy and a girl and they are both raised the same.

Why would I look at my son and see a future abuser?

My Dp's mum did everything for him and his brother when they lived at home, washing, ironing, cooking meals. They'd go away most weekends and she'd leave them money for a takeaway and a pile of ready meals, they were adults at this point. She even still tidied his bedroom, changed his bedding and put his clothes away.

She's absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong I love her to bits. But she treated them like babies, tbf even their dad did too. He'd make them their breakfast on weekends if they were home and drive them anywhere they wanted to go. He'd pick them up at 2/3am to save them getting a £6 taxi.
They were spoilt.

But Dp is a fully functioning adult. He cooks, he cleans, he uses the washing machine, he does all the ironing (I hate it) and my work trousers are like they've come back from the dry cleaners they're so perfectly pressed. I never have to ask him to do household chores, he's actually better than me.
And he loves and appreciates his parents, and would do anything for them. Although when we go to his mums now, he does still get waited on. At least now he cooks and invites them here so they get to be waited on by him.