Mums of sons (your son, someone's future husband)

[BillyBusStop]

If you have a son, how do you think your parenting is going? I ask because there are SO many threads on here about women leaving abusive or coercive dh's. 70% or so of divorces are initiated by females. Tomorrow's dh's are sons right now & often on here wives & partners blame the dh's mother for the job she did bringing him up. I know we all try our best. I find it so disheartening that so many men don't want to hear about their wives discontent.

Incidentally, I have absolutely no time for the 'my mum did it all so I don't know how's excuse. I didn't do any chores at home. I figured it out pretty quickly when I left home at 18 - maybe not to the best standard initially, but enough to be self sufficient. Things like washing machines have instructions! Any grown adult with no learning difficulties who claim that they can't do household tasks because mummy didn't show them how is a self-serving liar.

I have two sons, 11 and 7 and am a single parent although they spend some time with their father. I left their father as he was abusive towards me. They saw a lot during that time (and since sometimes with handovers he has a go again, but on the whole they are more removed from it than they were). The biggest lesson I feel I have taught them so far is that you are not obliged to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. That YOUR happiness counts. That bad behaviour should not be tolerated. I left long after I should, but I hope they haven't been affected too much by that (mainly verbal and emotional abuse from their dad towards me).

They both are kind and soft hearted, they seem to have very good boundaries and a strong sense of what is right and wrong. I hope that continues into their teenage years and beyond. Occasionally the eldest has angry outbursts, and we are working through managing that at the moment. I am learning not to react and take it personally but sometimes its a trigger for me after how their dad was.

I am by no means perfect as a parent, but essentially I want to help them have robust self esteem, do what makes them happy, learn from their mistakes, talk through issues and most of all give lots of love.

I am a working mum, their schedules are busy so I don't get a huge amount of 1:1 time with them but we always sit down for dinner, and at the end of each day I lie in bed with them and chat about life in general until they get sleepy. I used to read, now we chat.

I know I should probably be more firm about them doing chores, but they have busy lives (I live abroad and the school days are long) but they are expected to look after their stuff, tidy away after themselves and keep their bedrooms tidy. I also am trying to ensure they have an idea about the value of things, and certain things they need to save and pay for themselves.

I have and had a wonderful relationship with my mum, there are 3 sisters and one brother. My brother is an amazing man and husband and my mum did most things for him when he was growing up. He has a very successful business, 4 kids and does a huge amount at home.

I try my best with what we have, but I am very much of the mind it takes a village to raise a child, so a wide variety of experiences and access to different people help raise a balanced adult.

Mine is only three months but I'll be resisting games consoles as long as possible as so many man-children on here seem to prioritise them over family life. Awful things!

Why would you hold a mother responsible for their adult son behaviour?

Exactly

Costa, best avoid if you have a daughter too...eitherway , good luck with that!
Stereotypes gallore on this thread.
Rais your children to be good people. Concentrate less on gender differences and you bwill suceed.

It’s always the mother’s fault.

My son is 16 months old. He is terribly self centered, expects me to basically keep him alive, and only this morning jabbed his hand in my face whilst demanding boob....

More seriously, His dad does a good job of modelling how to be a supportive and equal partner. I’ll give my son the opportunity to take care of himself and others as he becomes more independent. I hope he will be kind.

Don’t entirely blame Mother’s. Some men have lovely mothers and turn out horrible. BUT I do know one woman who has 4 sons and each in there own way are vile. She isn’t a very nice person and has taught them to bottle up their feelings or get the piss ripped out of them which has caused anger problems in all of them. So I do believe it is down to her doing a shitty job.

Just to add I was also in an abusive relationship when younger and he seemed to have a genuine hate for his mom. I met her and she very loud and would basically scream at him the second he walked into his house. So think his kind of hate and disrespect of women sort of stemmed from that.

So women are to blame for men who abuse their partners? Go figure... it's always the woman's fault eh?
I am mother of 3 boys. My husband also plays a vital role in bringing them up funnily enough. Demonstrates to them how to be a kind, supportive, non abusive father and husband. Together we show them what it means to be in a loving relationship where we are two equal partners who value each other and treat each other with love and respect.

So, it's going just fine thanks.

My point still stands .
It's not about ignoring male or female violence.
It's about effective parenting especially when violence has been experienced.
Parenting courses, therapy etc ...

Violence is a thing with SOME males ....

I really think in a generdered society most boys look at what other men and boys are doing to get an idea of what it is to be a man. My boys love me and look at me as a role model of what humans and women are like but they get their idea of manhood mainly from their dad, grandfathers, uncles, tv, friend, friends dads. So this one is for them to shoulder. Everu now and then i remind their dad how much they want to be like him if he is being an arse and it stops him.

And some females.

Luckily I chose an evolved male.

My son is nearly 22, he’s a lovely caring and gentle man but he is very lazy so I do feel I’ve not got it all right but the important things are there.

All violence must be named and addressed.

I'm lazy , my parents didn't get it wrong. I just am...

Such a strange post.

When my son is an adult he will make his own choices and be responsible for them. That's because he will be an adult. He won't have to justify them to anyone but himself and his wife, husband, partner or whatever.

To suggest I as his parent would try and "mould" him to influence his future behaviour along my compass is just odd.

Parents really need to back off from their kids and allow them find their own way through life. For good and bad.

How depressing.

roisinagusniamh

And some females”.

Absolutely. I posted in frustration because I get so angry/offended/sad when (usually the same) posters come on to threads and start throwing around accusations that “men” are violent. Don’t they understand that that kind of stereotypical slander is every bit as offensive as the old judge who peers at the rape victim and says all women who wear short skirts are asking for it?
I don’t know if there’s a word akin to misogyny but relating to men and boys? If there is, they are guilty of it.
Luckily my husband too is evolved (erm, cough, probably more so than I), as is my lovely son.

It's called misandry. And , as you and I know , is rife .

Thank you. Interesting that I’d never heard the word.

BobtheDuvet- so just name violence, full stop. The law applies to every gender and transgender equally. I haven’t seen my father for 45 years, may be dead for all I know, because he was a violent monster who abused every one of us in multiple ways. I have the wit and imagination to understand that was his individual genetic make up at play. Most men I have encountered in my life have been good, some not so much so clearly they are not in my life now. I could say exactly the same about the women I have known in my 55 years.

So, misogyny is on the whole rightly condemned. Misandry (thanks Roisin!) seems to be perfectly acceptable here.
Just wrong.

As he gets older he won't be able to date lots of girls, we will teach him how women's minds work and that their hearts are precious so that if you go out with them that is a large commitment. We will teach him to respect women (and everybody). On the same lines we will teach our dd to respect herself and not give herself away too easily, she is precious and deserves the best (not in a princess way) I think we have lost this is in our society when sex is treated casually and as a selfish thing. We have forgotten that it's intimate and used wrongly causes pain and damage.

Your children's future sex lives are nothing to do with you and I'm not sure what you mean about not being able to date lots of girls, but even if your son has a string of girlfriends (or boyfriends?), as long as he treats them well then that's perfectly fine.

All pizzas

Actually under the age of 18 it will be my business as it's our house but OBVIOUSLY when he's an adult he can do what he pleases.
Seriously why do some posters always try and nitpick to make something that's positive into a negative?!!