Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you tell your partner you don’t want to have sex?

81 replies

Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 15:15

I find it really difficult to let him know when I’m not in the mood - it’s causing a lot of problems.

OP posts:
TheDailyCarbuncle · 02/05/2019 15:19

I say 'I'm tired,' or 'no thanks' or something like that and he says 'Ok.' We may cuddle and kiss instead, or we may go straight to sleep but it's never a problem.

What's the problem with your partner?

TeaForTheWin · 02/05/2019 15:20

'I'm not really in the mood, how about we watch that new series, go for a walk order a pizza instead'.

It shouldn't really be causing problems unless he wants sex a lot more than you do. A frank discussion of how much and how often each partner would prefer to have sex might be wise. And if there is a big difference there, you may just be fundamentally incompatible.

However, it could be that perhaps you do more than him around the house/work wise and so are more tired and less likely to be in the mood? In which case, re-assessing your lifestyle and his, may solve things?

But this is something that you probably need to talk through if it is causing problems. Because it really shouldn't.

SignedUpJust4This · 02/05/2019 15:25

This isn't what I do but I've been told this is what you should do...

'I'd love to connect with you right now darling but I can't. My heads not in the right place because of (work/family stress/tired). Can we do it on Friday instead after Gardeners World (or whatever it is u watch). I'll be more relaxed then (or turned on by Monty Don)

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/05/2019 15:50

If it's 6am and I'm just waking up its "fuck off. Try that again and cut your dick off! " I'm not good when half asleep. Lol.

His reply is "ok, do you want a coffee?"

DirtyDennis · 02/05/2019 15:53

Can we do it on Friday instead after Gardeners World

I properly laughed out loud at that.

Changingagain · 02/05/2019 15:53

I say "I don't want to have sex at the moment", or "I'm not in the mood at the moment". There's is absolutely nothing wrong with simply not wanting to, you don't need and excuse.

happyandbusy · 02/05/2019 15:55

"Darling, sex with you is sooooo wonderful that it takes me a while for me to come down from that high. So the sex we had a month ago is still going strong for me!" Wink

anonforthespies43267 · 02/05/2019 15:57

@Thingsdogetbetter you sound like me 😂

It depends how & when. Sometimes he’ll test the water early in the evening with a comment and if I’m tired I just say ‘don’t even think about it tonight’
When we are in bed ‘do you want a massage tonight’ means he is hoping for some action and I say ‘yes but just on my back and not a FULL BODY massage’
If he just tries it on it’s ‘get off I’m tired’

Reading that back .... my poor husband 😂

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2019 16:11

I just say not now honey

NotReadyForThisX2 · 02/05/2019 17:11

It depends on my reason. If I'm not in the mood I'll say I'm not, if I'm tired I'll say I'm tired. Sometimes it might be something else so I tell him why.

Dp is really good at picking up how I'm feeling though so usually he'll give me a cuddle and a nudge and if I don't respond he'll stop.
We can have a joke about it though and I never feel awkward saying no and he never takes offence.

Branleuse · 02/05/2019 17:15

"not feeling up to it tonight"
"im really tired, im gonna try go get an early night"
"sorry, just not feeling in the mood"

sundaybluecoffee · 02/05/2019 17:15

I just say I don't feel like it, it's usually because I'm tired/feel ill/period etc.

He usually takes it quite well & he turns me down too when I try and attack him in the middle of the night Grin

englishdictionary · 02/05/2019 17:16

'Nah mate'

Sux2buthen · 02/05/2019 17:20

I've been know to say I'd rather eat my own eyes right now but thanks

CherryPavlova · 02/05/2019 17:22

That’s nice darling, go and put the kettle on.
That’s nice darling, can you wait until after the Archers?
That’s nice darling, I’ll think about it and get back to you within 48 hours.
That’s nice darling. Please can you send me an Outlook appointment?

Unless he’s ardour is due to excess port in which case “Get off you slobbering idiot. You reek of garlic and Port. Try me in the morning”.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2019 17:22

We have isex in bed at bed time so before getting there I'd make a jokey comment about "" if you wanted sex tonight, you should have made the baby sleep" or "I'm shattered, if you want sex, don't wake me up"
If we were I'm bed and he started making moves, I'd just tell him I'm tired or meh or just no.

What happens when DP wants sex and you don't op?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/05/2019 17:25

I don't think I say anything. He just reads my body language... he generally doesn't try if he's not pretty sure that I'm in the mood.

JustBeenNosey · 02/05/2019 17:28

It's very hard.. I was the same with my ex and it just pushed us apart.
I've been suffering with depression quite bad and I've just lost all my libido completely 😩

I used to have to make excuses up when he was asking me to go to his because I knew he would want to have sex.

I do feel your pain 🧡

Chasingsquirrels · 02/05/2019 17:29

I just say I'm not up for it at the moment, although as it's usually me who initiates it in my curremt relationship its not something I've said very often.

Do you mean specific occasions with a generally good sex life, or do you not want sex with your partner in general?

Racheyg · 02/05/2019 17:30

Can you stop pestering me for sex please - I said this last night Blush

Normally it's I'm not in the mood

Bringbackthestripes · 02/05/2019 17:35

“No thanks, I don’t want to”.

Or if it’s early morning and he’s trying to give (not so subtle) hints it’s “get off me”.

What exactly are you finding difficult? Is it telling him or getting him to actually listen rather than repeatedly pestering you? If the latter then I would suggest you reconsider the relationship because it won’t ever change.

MilkshakeMonkey · 02/05/2019 19:06

I had this problem last week. I said no and H went off on one. Apparently I’m selfish, don’t think of him and don’t love him. He felt rejected and slept on the sofa. I know it’s a shit situation.
But you have the right to say no and you don’t have to give a reason.

RiversDisguise · 02/05/2019 19:39

He sometimes says

  • I'm too tired
  • I can't, work took everything out of me today
  • I don't think I can sorry but I will go down on you / help you masturbate.

I might take him up on his offer and it's always appreciated. But if not I will take a cuddle and a chat and jump on him the next night.

No one is going to die from a lack of sex and no one should be acting like an arse about it.... how unattractive!

Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:47

What's the problem with your partner?

It’s not him, it’s me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:49

'I'd love to connect with you right now darling but I can't. My heads not in the right place because of (work/family stress/tired). Can we do it on Friday instead after Gardeners World (or whatever it is u watch). I'll be more relaxed then (or turned on by Monty Don)

Thanks for making me smile. I wish I could say something like this!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread