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Original poster

How do you tell your partner you don’t want to have sex?

81 replies

Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 15:15

I find it really difficult to let him know when I’m not in the mood - it’s causing a lot of problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:51

What happens when DP wants sex and you don't op?

I feel really embarrassed, awkward and like I’m letting him down if I’m not in the mood.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:53

It's very hard.. I was the same with my ex and it just pushed us apart.
I've been suffering with depression quite bad and I've just lost all my libido completely 😩

Thank you.... I’ve bewn taking antidepressants in the last few months. The ensuing lack of libido is making this happen more frequently

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:55

What exactly are you finding difficult? Is it telling him or getting him to actually listen rather than repeatedly pestering you?

Telling him. A part of me wants to believe he’ll listen but deep down I worry that he’ll get annoyed or fed up.

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 02/05/2019 19:58

Well... there is always a degree of mismatch in libido in long term relationships, it seems.

Why do you feel embarrassed? Is this every ight? You should be able to feel you can talk to your husband of all people freely.

Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 19:59

I had this problem last week. I said no and H went off on one. Apparently I’m selfish, don’t think of him and don’t love him. He felt rejected and slept on the sofa.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve had this happen in previous relationships. Despite having counselling (even emdr) I still go quiet (or worse pretend) instead of saying how I feel.
It makes me feel so not normal

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 20:01

JustBeenNosey i don’t know if you’re taking medication too but reducing my dose a little made a big difference. I hope things get better for you soon xx

OP posts:
IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 20:02

I'd start at a neutral time by saying your libido is down.

Then when he tries it on explain youre not interested just now.

If he acts like a twat about it he's not worth the time.

Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 20:06

Do you mean specific occasions with a generally good sex life, or do you not want sex with your partner in general?
Specific occasions. Sometimes just a cuddle would be ok, sometimes a bit more. Sometimes I I just don’t feel like it. Other times we’re in perfect sync and want the same things at the same time.

He’s never forced me or pestered me to do anything I didn’t visit want to. On the contrary. I just don’t know how to get over this fear of saying no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lululu3 · 02/05/2019 20:06

I feel so pathetic

OP posts:
SoHotADragonRetired · 02/05/2019 20:12

I just say "sorry, not really up for it tonight" (with an optional "how about tomorrow/Friday?")

In your case, though, I think you should pick a time when you're together and calm and sex is not currently on the agenda, and talk to him about it. Tell him the truth - that you really struggle to say when you aren't up for it and it's been exacerbated by your meds. Then tell him what you want from him - maybe tell him how he would know you ARE up for it, and he should regard anything short of this and of clear enthusiasm as a sign you aren't.

BattenburgIsland · 02/05/2019 20:12

You arent pathetic. Just be as honest and straightforward as possible so he cant get the wrong idea and think it's about him or think he should keep persisting. Tell him exactly how you feel and why.
I think if he does really love you he will want to know how you are feeling and he will not want to have sex with you if it's not going to be enjoyable for you. You dont need to feel guilty for not being up for it all the time!
What is your fear? Do you think he is a decent man who loves you? If you do you must know that you can be honest with him and that he will respect how you feel and listen to you.

AHF1979 · 02/05/2019 20:20

Same as anchor. Neither of us actually say no. A wandering hand will be clasped and kissed and that means not tonight love. I suppose that’s nice really

motherlylove14 · 02/05/2019 20:30

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Stillme1 · 02/05/2019 20:54

In a relationship, I would expect each party to try to fit in with each other.
I don't work but DP has his own business and puts in a lot of hours and even more hours at certain times of the year. I am disabled. When I am not doing very well he does not ever expect anything and when he is at the busy times of the year I don't expect anything. He supplies lots of tea and sympathy when I am ill and when he is busy I make all his favourite meals and that could be at any hour of the day or night.
I don't think sex is something to be wrangled over. We have not been together for a long time but I think (hope) that we have an understanding of each other.

Huskylover1 · 02/05/2019 21:00

I always find posts like this a bit sad. I rarely wanted it with my first H....I'd gone off him after many years (and his cheating). I thought it was my problem, or something wrong with me.

Quelle surprise, with my now DH (of 11 yrs), I never have to think of an excuse, because he's just scrummy and I do always want to have sex with him.

Perhaps think about why you don't fancy your Partner?

englishdictionary · 02/05/2019 21:03

surprise, with my now DH (of 11 yrs), I never have to think of an excuse, because he's just scrummy and I do always want to have sex with him

How absolutely wonderful for you. So much better than the rest of us whose partners are not ‘scrummy’

Perhaps think about why you don't fancy your Partner?

Oh fuck off. Not being in the mood doesn’t mean not fancying your partner. What a lot of shit.

Huskylover1 · 02/05/2019 21:06

englishdictionary perhaps an orgasm or two would lift your bad mood. Sheesh!

EmperorBallpitine · 02/05/2019 21:08

Write No in sharpie on your biggest knickers (optional also no on the back) then ostentatious ly wear them to bed.
Jk. Sex free here for two years. Actually we did do it once but mostly neither of us or one of us is off it. Real heart to heart is needed to iron out what's wrong. If you are totally and absolutely worn out and too miserable for libido then you need to figure out what can change. Not for his sake but because its a not fun place to be.

englishdictionary · 02/05/2019 21:11

English dictionary perhaps an orgasm or two would lift your bad mood. Sheesh!

I’m not the one trying to put the OP down. Speaks volumes.

SimonJT · 02/05/2019 21:14

I don’t generally have actual sex with partners, but if I’m not in the mood for anything, or some things but not others I just tell them. I said exactly what I was and wasn’t up for on tuesday, works well for me.

Scott72 · 03/05/2019 01:39

How often do you actually want sex? How often does ask? If your libido is a lot lower than his, then this needs to be addressed. You need to a have an honest, in-depth talk.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2019 03:37

surprise, with my now DH (of 11 yrs), I never have to think of an excuse, because he's just scrummy and I do always want to have sex with him

I guarantee my DH is hotter than yours. 100%. But sometimes I'm not feeling it. Because Shock sex isn't just about whether the other person is hot. If I'm not feeling it I might say "nice try" or "I'm knackered".

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/05/2019 03:41

Apparently, there is a "Yes/No" pillow you can buy and you just face the pillow out with the message you want to send and no words are spoken.

NottonightJosepheen · 03/05/2019 03:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlightLady · 03/05/2019 04:41

Night time bed is for sleeping! There are other times for sex bed. So many relationships/friendships go wrong because it becomes something you do before you go to sleep. Then it lacks passion. Almost to the point of being a chore.

If you haven’t got children around, pre dinner sex is lovely.

Aside from that “l don’t feel like it” should suffice.