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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner going away this weekend with mates I feel awful..

107 replies

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 14:35

Hi.

My partner of 12years is going away tomorrow until Sunday with some of his mates, I will be at home with our daughters.. don't have much family around me and not much friends either so will be on my own..
Anyways..
in the past things have happened in order to break my trust with him, he used to go away for a few nights and turn his phone off and ignore me completely which has upset me a lot..
I'm so down about him going away even tho it's only 2nights away! I know I'm being really daft and over reacting a lot!!
He said he's going to stay Intouch with me this weekend and that things will be different but I'm finding it hard to believe him and I no before anyone says it I'm daft and being stupid!

I suffer with anxiety and this situation isn't helping me in the slightest.. I get upset easily because I'm worried he will ignore me again.. I love him and we both want the relationship to work out just needing someone to talk to really as I'm so lonely and down right now.. just dreading it so much

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/05/2019 16:58

I'm such a worrier I just need to no he's ok that is all I'm exactly the same with my girls when they go out with friends.. don't think it's too much to ask really is it?

You need to work on this. Not only because it'll only be a few years before your older DD is going out with friends for overnights and festivals and longer periods, and you'll struggle to cope with that, but because they are picking up on your anxiety and replicating it.

I used to be quite similar. I was worried about him, I found him going away awful, it ruined the days in the run up. We split up, and the anxiety disappeared. It's never come back. I'm absolutely fine with DP being out now, for as long as he wants to be.

Springwalk · 02/05/2019 17:32

Your dh was messaging another woman and you are wondering why you don't trust him?

Op you don't trust him because he has lied to you, turned off his phone for days and messages other women. I would trust him either.

What happened after you found out about the messaging??

It is hard to see why anyone would trust their dp in this scenario. You seem to have forgiven him but not forgotten.

This is not you op it is him.

AnyFucker · 02/05/2019 17:32

I don't like the sound of this guy

And the posters victim blaming op for her insecurity are way off the mark

Springwalk · 02/05/2019 17:33

* I wouldn't trust him either *

Original poster
missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 18:01

Thanks for all the replies and for the advice. Guess I need to try and get my life on track again and have a think to myself while he's away this weekend.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2019 18:02

Could he be possibly gaslighting you?

SVRT19674 · 02/05/2019 18:07

You reap what you sow. Remind him of this. He is a husband and a father. He has responsibilities. Mobile on at all times. His 20s are over.

KennyCalmIt · 02/05/2019 18:13

I’m sorry but this is far from healthy

I understand he’s broken your trust in the past and in no way am I excusing that, but you chose to stay in a relationship with him.

Whilst I do think he should contact you when he goes away, I don’t think he needs to let you know he’s okay all the time. My DP goes away with friends for the weekend about twice a year, he’s a grown man, if he’s not okay or if something happens then I’d soon find out. Why does your DP need to tell you he arrived okay? Or he’s off the train? It would never occur to me to expect this off my DP and if it was the other way round I’d probably be turning my phone off aswell. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s only fair for him to contact you, perhaps on an evening when he gets into bed or something, but that’s it.

It’s worrying that you’re thinking of self harming all because your DP is away for two nights? That is not normal. Not in the slightest. If that’s how you’re truly feeling then you need help (I mean that kindly). You clearly need help with your anxiety, needing to know that everyone/everything is okay all the time isn’t realistic

If you’re full of anxiety and feeling like shit because you think he’s gunna go away all weekend, turn off his phone and get up to no good, then I can understand and you’re better off without him

Mrskeats · 02/05/2019 18:14

This is no way to live op and it's example to your daughters.
What happened with the messaging thing?

washinglions · 02/05/2019 18:24

What exactly is it that you are worried about if he doesn't call you or doesn't respond to calls / texts while he is away?

Why are you so worried - is it in general or is it specific?

BohemianDream · 02/05/2019 18:47

Hi op.
This may not be very helpful, just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person who feels like this. I have very high anxiety and I suppose could be considered quite a needy person. I have always had irrational fears and worries since childhood. It means a lot for me that my partner gives me a quick text or phone call if he's out late drinking and I suppose I don't actually think thats a lot to ask. However, I agree that you probably need to work on your own self confidence (as do I).
Chances are that everything will be absolutely fine! Enjoy your time with just you and your girls, try and make it special for them and that will occupy your mind x

HeckyPeck · 02/05/2019 18:58

So you’re saying he’s secretive and deceitful, and has form for going away and then just showing back up whenever he feels like it? I would be amazed if you WEREN’T anxious. It’s not your weakness, it’s his behaviour.

I have to agree. It’s ok (& completely right) to not trust a proven liar.

I hope this weekend gives you time to think OP.

stepup123 · 02/05/2019 19:12

OP, I think it would be a good idea for you to get some help with your anxiety. Like pp's have said, if he's going to do something awful, you don't have control over that, n o matter how much you worry.
It seems like your anxiety is affecting your life, which can't be very nice for you at all. From what you say your husband sounds like a good egg and you have nothing to worry about.

Original poster
missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 20:19

Think I'm just gonna get through the weekend spend some time with my girls and just make most of the time apart and see where that takes me I suppose. Dunno what to think or feel right now

OP posts:
justkeepnamechanging · 02/05/2019 20:40

Well to be honest this is probably the test you need to see if he has changed. I actually feel like he will be in touch and actually you'll realise you didn't have anything to worry about. However, if he does go back to old habits and doesn't contact you at all then you know that he hasn't changed at all.

I think if anything this has just highlighted how your life is revolved around him. The fact you have such high anxiety that he's going away - I get why you do and I would too, but to stop eating etc is SO unhealthy. You need to get this back to a healthy relationship if you want it to work and be a healthy example for your daughters to see.

Try and plan some fun things for you and your girls. Why not have a movie night Saturday and get some face masks and pamper yourselves, then Sunday take them out for breakfast? Or meet friends or anything. Just make sure you aren't just sat at home alone thinking about him constantly.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2019 20:41

stepup does messaging other women and lying make someone a good egg?

HeckyPeck · 02/05/2019 20:50

From what you say your husband sounds like a good egg and you have nothing to worry about.

Fucking hell. A liar who messages other women is a good egg? That’s a low old bar you have there!

user1481840227 · 02/05/2019 21:02

Is it anxiety to worry about something that has already happened repeatedly? It probably is anxiety, but not in the usual sense of the word, where people worry about things that probably won't ever happen, or always assume the worst even though it probably won't happen, or there's a good chance that it won't.

In the OP's case this has happened repeatedly before, so her body is expecting the exact same thing and responding accordingly.

I think he sounds like an asshole tbh, messaging other women, turning his phone off, what would he be like if you did that for a weekend?

joystir59 · 02/05/2019 21:09

OP if my OH had a history of not getting in touch at all during a trip away of several days AND messaging other women I'd would be thinking about dumping them and if I carried on in the relationship,as you have, and was facing another of his trips away, as you are now,vi would be feeling exactly as you are. You have good reason to be feeling anxious and upset. Let's hope he has changed and proves it to you when he goes away.

RevealTheLegend · 02/05/2019 21:17

OP if my OH had a history of not getting in touch at all during a trip away of several days AND messaging other women I'd would be thinking about dumping them

This. In spades.

It’s not you. It’s him.

Raise your standards.

LizzieSiddal · 02/05/2019 21:18

This is the first time he's actually said "this time will be different" times before he's just went away and that was that until he turned up,

Bloody hell, no wonder you are anxious! This is not the normal behaviour of a loving husband and father. What would have happened if there was an emergency? He wouldn’t have known anything about it until he turned up.

I think you should tell him, you’re glad he’s promised this weekend will be different. That him keeping his phone on and calling you and the dc once a day/or a couple of times over the weekend is very important to you.

In the meantime try to plan some nice things to do with your Dds. Fill the weekend then you’re not sitting around waiting for him.

stepup123 · 02/05/2019 21:32

@ineedaholidaynow @HeckyPeck - he sounded like a good egg from one of the posts the op wrote. I obviously haven't read all of the posts. No need to shame me, or swear.

JuniFora · 02/05/2019 21:57

It's so stressful and stifling to be in a relationship with someone who expects you to pander to their anxieties. Give him space and deal with your issues.

You're torturing yourself with anxiety, that will stress everybody around you and push him away.

You choose what you think about. You can choose to fill your mind with other things; read a book, watch a movie, chat to friend, think about getting a hobby, spend quality time with the kids... Forget about him while he's gone and focus on what's around you.

MsDogLady · 02/05/2019 22:33

Missy, you are not overreacting.

Your partner’s attitude and behavior have been disrespectful to you and detrimental to your relationship. He has brought anxiety and uncertainty into your life.

When he went incommunicado the first time, you expressed your (reasonable) discomfort. He didn’t care about your feelings, though, and continued his radio silence on subsequent trips. He intentionally caused you to feel upset.

He has a history of lying and not being where he is supposed to be. This disappearing act has likely occurred more than once.

The messaging other women... How did he explain away and justify that?

All in all, he has proven himself to be uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy. Personally, I wouldn’t trust him even if he does stay in touch this weekend.

I hope that you have a good experience in counseling on Thursday. The support of a good counselor can be a godsend. You have had many stressors, including your health, your child’s condition, and your partner’s disloyalty.

Harebel · 02/05/2019 22:44

OP I really feel for you. I've been in a relationship like yours where I couldn't eat for days, crippled with anxiety, blamed myself for my partners shortcomings, tried to self-harm, told myself it was my fault he was like that etc.

He's lied, he's messaged other women, he's likely not going to change. It doesn't sound like a good relationship for you yet you're treating him like some kind of precious person you need to hang onto.

I may be wrong but speaking from personal experience, I bet the minute you stop worrying about him/what he's up to/who he's messaging/ whether he'll come home when he says he will etc etc is the time he will start to wonder why you're not anxious and stressed and that will bother him. Please don't waste your life with someone who's not worthy of what you have to give. You and your daughters are worth so much more Thanks

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