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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner going away this weekend with mates I feel awful..

107 replies

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 14:35

Hi.

My partner of 12years is going away tomorrow until Sunday with some of his mates, I will be at home with our daughters.. don't have much family around me and not much friends either so will be on my own..
Anyways..
in the past things have happened in order to break my trust with him, he used to go away for a few nights and turn his phone off and ignore me completely which has upset me a lot..
I'm so down about him going away even tho it's only 2nights away! I know I'm being really daft and over reacting a lot!!
He said he's going to stay Intouch with me this weekend and that things will be different but I'm finding it hard to believe him and I no before anyone says it I'm daft and being stupid!

I suffer with anxiety and this situation isn't helping me in the slightest.. I get upset easily because I'm worried he will ignore me again.. I love him and we both want the relationship to work out just needing someone to talk to really as I'm so lonely and down right now.. just dreading it so much

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 02/05/2019 15:29

He has said that this time he will keep in touch.

Great but make sure you both agree what this means!

I would suggest just one or two texts a day otherwise it is a pain for him when he is supposed to be away having a break. It is a pain having to phone someone when you are away IMO and he may feel the same.

BTW I hope you will get some time away one day too!

Rabbiting0n · 02/05/2019 15:35

OP, how does your anxiety generally manifest itself? What sort of things bother you day-to-day? Is this about trusting him, or is it about lack of control by not being able to contact him when his phone is off? Is it about being home alone, and afraid of that at nighttime? Or feeling looking after your children on your own is a challenge or too much responsibility?

My partner sometimes has to travel for work and I dread it. It bothers me for weeks beforehand. I feel stressed and quite down. It doesn't affect my appetite or sleep, but I often get mouth ulcers (which in me, are a symptom of stress). For me, the issue is being home alone at night. I don't miss his company or want his attention, so much as I struggle to feel safe without another adult in the house. I feel this way because a previous house was burgled once (I was the one that found it and had to watch the place being dusted), and because when I was in my teens and on holiday with friends, we were alseep one night and broken into by two drunk/high older guys. I thought it was a rape/murder type of situation. It was incredibly traumatic and has obviously left me with a degree of PTSD.

DH knows this, so he limits his travel where he can. We always make sure our security alarm is working and I arm it at night. We go through household security, and I stay up late so that I am tired enough to fall straight to sleep when I get into bed, rather that lying there in the dark freaking myself out with every household noise I can hear.

This is my problem, and because DH and I are a team, he tries to help out by being at home as much as possible, but I also need to be supportive of him on the rare occasion that he has to travel. And, each time he goes, although it's stressful, I actually feel a little bit proud of myself for "surviving", and the stress I feel before his next trip is less and less each time. It's like exposure therapy. I have to confront the issue in order to get over it. He's recently got back from an overseas trip, and has the opportunity for another very soon. It's in no way necessary and he could decline it without anyone batting an eyelid, but I am encouraging him to go because it is good for him and good for me.

So, I guess my point is this: If your issue is your personal anxieties, rather than his phone being off or your trust in him, then the best thing you can do is let him go with outwardly good grace, get through it, and then feel proud of yourself for having coped. Avoiding things that cause anxiety only make the anxiety worse. I'm saying this as an obsessive-compulsive who has done CBT, and as a clinical psychology graduate, so I get how you're feeling and don't judge you for it.

SignedUpJust4This · 02/05/2019 15:37

How long have you suffered with anxiety op?

MsDogLady · 02/05/2019 15:39

Missy, what was his explanation for cutting contact before?

Also, what other things have happened to break your trust?

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 15:41

Thanks for all your replies, I'm not the type or person who will text him constantly it's just about knowing he's ok then I'm fine with 1text and then maybe another when he's off the train and heading home, I'm in no way trying to control him...
I haven't told him about the self harming thoughts I'm having or that iv lost my appetite as I don't want to spoil his weekend at all..

Btw I am actually going to speak with a counsellor next Thursday been waiting 6weeks for the appointment so that's a starting point.

Before when he was away I found out he had been messaging other woman on my laptop which did bother me & has lied to me too!

I do agree that I need help and that it's probably is my fault and it's unfair on him.

OP posts:
missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 15:44

I've suffered with anxiety for years now, hiding it away but only just having the courage to seek help 6weeks ago..

His reason for turning his phone off before differ really he's done it a few times.. 1 he said he needed time on his own.. we talk a lot more now about things. My heads a mess I'm a mess.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2019 15:48

Maybe agree to a time when he contacts you (morning when he wakes up and again in the evening)?

I know what it’s like to live with anxiety, I lived with it for many years but I have learnt to think more rationally and have learnt that no matter how much you stress about something it won’t change the outcome and it could possibly make things worse. Let him go and have a good time, don’t message him, leave it up to him to message you at the time you both agree too. Arrange to do something fun with your dd’s so your not watching the phone, everyone needs time apart in a relationship and you need to trust each other.

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 15:52

Your right!

I am going to let him message me as I understand he's away for the weekend with his mates for football etc..
we do need to trust each or (or I need to start trusting him) hopefully it works out ok and this weekend I might be good with him being away as i understand every couple needs time away.. I haven't had time away in a long time, I think my anxiety started getting worse after I had my third ectopic pregnancy to which I nearly lost my life and now I can't have children at all.. but I'm thankfull for my 2 girls.. my younger daughter has bad epilepsy to which I'm constantly worrying about too.

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 02/05/2019 15:53

I clicked on this as I'm going away with my friends this weekend. I go every year. Last time I left my phone on the kitchen table. The time before I had my phone off as I had forgotten my charger. I normally text home but tbh it is my one weekend a year where I can be me rather than wife/mother/business partner.

I would be mortified if DH was loosing sleep over it and it would seriously make me question our relationship.

LiverpoolVictoria · 02/05/2019 15:54

Please don't blame yourself, he has done some things to warrant you being anxious.
I guess you just have to think if you trust him now, and if you don't is it fair on you to stay together?

Your anxiety won't get better if he doesn't take ownership for his mistakes and do things to help you, and you do also need to see someone to help yourself. Why has it taken 6 weeks to get an appointment?
And it will probably have have an effect on your girls if thing don't change.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2019 15:57

Does he not phone your daughters when he is away?

DH doesn't go away a lot but when he has he always tried to speak to DS (and me). He also wouldn't turn his phone off.

Sounds very strange to turn his phone off to me. I also have to say football, not drinking and museums don't seem to go together.

Why do you not have friends? Why is it your fault and unfair on him. He has proved in the past that he can't be trusted, surely he should be doing everything he can to reassure you.

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 16:01

Well as far I'm aware he's watching the football Friday night then on Saturday him and his friends are doing stuff Saturday like museums and other things..

Well all the other times he's went away his phone was off and he didn't contact me or the girls at all. But he has said this time will be different because he wants to prove to me that I can trust him and that he loves me and wants us to be happy but is aware or his wrong doings and is saying he's gonna change.. but it's only words I guess but is it a start?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2019 16:01

missy anxiety sucks, it makes us think rationally, makes us feel we are not good enough and makes us question everything. Try and think logically. Yes he has switched his phone off before but he has don’t this because he wants a break, some time to himself? Which is perfectly reasonable. Has he ever cheated on you? Has he lied to you? He sounds like he’s a good husband and a good dad. Some time to himself and some time to yourself is a good thing, enjoy time alone with your dd’s, maybe have day out shopping and doing girly things, time will go quicker and he will be home in no time x

myadviceisdontskippaps · 02/05/2019 16:02

I also think it’s weird he turns his phone off for the whole weekend, particularly since you have children, one of whom turns out to have a medical condition.

How on earth would anyone get in touch with him if there was a major emergency at home (ie serious accident/injury/illness)?

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 16:02

There was a waiting list to see a councillor so I had to basically wait on the letter with the appointment I thought it was shocking and was going to see the doc to get it rushed but still had to wait.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 02/05/2019 16:04

I ask because it's amazing how many women oh here find there anxiety stops when their shady husbands are out the picture. Maybe he has contributed to your issues?

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 16:06

Well he has defo contributed to my anxiety but I just want things to change and be better. He says he wants the same too. Guess I'm just so confused right now

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2019 16:06

signed I do agree, I have been less anxious since I left me exh 🤣 he caused me many issues and I didn’t realise until I walked away.

Madamedeluxe · 02/05/2019 16:13

What’s the story with him messaging another woman?

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2019 16:24

OP how many times has he promised to change? I ask this because my ex was always ‘I’ll be different this time,’ until the next time when he’d say exactly the same thing again. Just keep count of the promises, because if a promise is broken once, the chances are that it’ll be broken again, and again and again if you let him.

I’d do as PP have suggested and maybe ask for a text in the morning, then maybe one in the evening, just to let you know he’s ok. If he’s a loving partner he should do it without argument. A couple of texts each day is not going to disturb his weekend away to let his hair down.

Oh, and being worried because he’s been messaging other women on your laptop of all things is not you being silly, it’s him being a nasty deceitful piss taking arse.

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 16:29

This is the first time he's actually said "this time will be different" times before he's just went away and that was that until he turned up, I'm such a worrier I just need to no he's ok that is all I'm exactly the same with my girls when they go out with friends.. don't think it's too much to ask really is it?
Times before when he's lied to me about things like saying he's away to work which is totally fine obviously but then I find out he's not actually at work and had a day off and he just needed space then I get angry to then weeks later him telling it was because his mother had passed away due to her having dementia then I felt like a complete arse myself.

He's kept on saying this week that he's gonna keep Intouch and that I will see things are different because I'm obviously worried about it all.

OP posts:
LiverpoolVictoria · 02/05/2019 16:36

I'm sure we would all like to have some space and switch our phones off, but unfortunately life just doesn't always allow it, especially when you have kids!
Does he help out when he is at home?

Do you ever get a break? Why don't you plan a weekend away, with friends or relatives, or even on your own!
Book yourself in for some spa treatments, in a nice hotel, have room service and a bottle of expensive wine, or dress up and go down for a lovely dinner! You need to look after you.

And on the counselling, if you need to see someone go private. Yes it is expensive, but you will been seen quicker. I only needed 3 sessions, and even those really helped!

RiddleMeThis2018 · 02/05/2019 16:39

So you’re saying he’s secretive and deceitful, and has form for going away and then just showing back up whenever he feels like it? I would be amazed if you WEREN’T anxious. It’s not your weakness, it’s his behaviour.

Bookworm4 · 02/05/2019 16:45

I think for your DH to have to reassure the DC he will be back isawful, why would the thought he won't even be in their mind? Your behaviour is affecting your DC. Maybe he puts his phone off to get a break from you checking up on him, we all need a breather.

MsDogLady · 02/05/2019 16:55

Your fault? Unfair on him?

Your partner has not been great. He has abused your trust. Messaging other women, lying to you, and repeatedly cutting contact on trips. I would have already shown him the door.

Counseling should help you express your feelings, manage your anxiety, organize your thoughts, and learn positive coping strategies.

How well does your daughter’s medication work to control her seizures?

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