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Original poster

Partner going away this weekend with mates I feel awful..

107 replies

missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 14:35

Hi.

My partner of 12years is going away tomorrow until Sunday with some of his mates, I will be at home with our daughters.. don't have much family around me and not much friends either so will be on my own..
Anyways..
in the past things have happened in order to break my trust with him, he used to go away for a few nights and turn his phone off and ignore me completely which has upset me a lot..
I'm so down about him going away even tho it's only 2nights away! I know I'm being really daft and over reacting a lot!!
He said he's going to stay Intouch with me this weekend and that things will be different but I'm finding it hard to believe him and I no before anyone says it I'm daft and being stupid!

I suffer with anxiety and this situation isn't helping me in the slightest.. I get upset easily because I'm worried he will ignore me again.. I love him and we both want the relationship to work out just needing someone to talk to really as I'm so lonely and down right now.. just dreading it so much

OP posts:
Original poster
missyboo87 · 02/05/2019 15:02

I think your right I do need to deal with my own issues. It's not totally his fault either.

OP posts:
churchthecat · 02/05/2019 15:03

How long ago was this and how many times?

Has he ever cheated?

AnyFucker · 02/05/2019 15:03

Where is he going and what kind of company is he keeping ?

BrightSpells · 02/05/2019 15:04

Why is it going to be bad?

What are you and the girls doing?

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 02/05/2019 15:05

He's great. He works hard, makes me happy and is a brilliant dad to our girls.. he keeps saying he's changed and this time will be different and then when he comes back Sunday I will be much happier but I just can't believe him and I feel like utter crap! Have hardly eaten for 2days

If the above is true and if the only thing you have 'against' him is that he switches his phone off when he is out, I'd probably look at therapy. Not eating for two days is way from normal. He (or she if it were the other way round) is not responsible for your anxiety and don't teach this mind set to your DC.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/05/2019 15:05

When l go away with my girlfriends for a weekend we end up chatting so much l forget to text my dh. There is no malice in it just too engrossed and them it's too late at night.
Look he doesn't drink, is a good dh/ father just let him off and forget about him. It's no fair to him to be under such pressure.

I know your anxiety makes it tough but really he is entitled to some down time

Costacoffeeplease · 02/05/2019 15:09

Either you trust him and you have to deal with your anxiety - or you don’t and you need to think about your future with him. This is no way to live for either of you, and involving the children is unforgivable really, they’re going to grow up with anxiety too

NotStayingIn · 02/05/2019 15:10

I hope he keeps in touch OP and I’m sorry you are feeling so down and worried.

I would say though, and apologies this will be harsh, that it’s not normal to have such a strong reaction as you are having to a partner going away for a few days.

It feels like all your focus is on him. But I think you need to focus on yourself. Try and tackle the anxiety, make friends, get more of a life for yourself. Not saying it’s easy, but in the long run I think that will make you much happier and will lead to a better relationship and better environment for the children.

sighrollseyes · 02/05/2019 15:13

Dads / men are entitled to a bit of time away too. I appreciate your anxiety in this situation but you do only have two choices 1) you trust him 2) you don't trust him. If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be sticking around with a man you don't trust. You can't expect a man never to have a night away from you ever in your life.

Springwalk · 02/05/2019 15:13

Has he given you reason to not trust him? Your reaction is very extreme, so I am guessing there must be some explanation.

Or is this based on the fear of losing him or what the relationship you have should he cheat?

chocolateandpinkgin · 02/05/2019 15:14

in the past things have happened in order to break my trust with him

What happened? Was it just turning his phone off or has he cheated?

1forAll74 · 02/05/2019 15:15

I do think that you need to deal with the issues that you have. You should not be feeling this lonely,when you have your daughters with you.so you could be doing something nice with them for a couple of days..People should be able to take an away break sometimes in relationships.

LiverpoolVictoria · 02/05/2019 15:15

Has he ever cheated? If not then you have nothing to worry about.
If he has then he should understand why you'd be anxious.
If my OH went away for 2 days and switched his phone off the entire time I would be miffed, and I think you have a right to be annoyed if yours does. What if one of your girls was ill and you needed to contact him urgently?

If my OH goes away we might text, I 'get' he is away with friends or work so won't expect much, but would expect to be thought of at some point when he's away and have some sort of communication! ☺

See what happens this time, if he's promised to change then take him at his word. If he doesn't do as he's promised then you can make a decision based on that. There's no point getting anxious over something that hasn't happened and might not happen.

Oh, another thing to think about if you are getting this anxious is if you have separation anxiety.

I didn't even know about it in adults, only kids, but I saw a counsellor for something completely different and she said I had it from when my parents divorced when I was 8 (I'm a lot older now)!
I hadn't dealt with what happened, and after seeing her I did, and the issues I had around friendships/relationships stopped.

Springwalk · 02/05/2019 15:16

OP you need to build a life of your own.

Your own friends, job, life etc. Relying on any man to this degree (with or without good reason) is far from ideal. What can you do to balance thins out?

Start with booking your own weekend away? Start valuing yourself a little more than you do now (low self esteem is probably behind this) Feeling you are not good enough and can be easily replaced/forgotten.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself op so you don't feel this way anymore.

churchthecat · 02/05/2019 15:16

I quite like DP going away for a weekend. I order a dirty kebab, have a whole bottle of wine to myself and watch old repeats of America's Next Top Model in my granny pyjamas.

NotStayingIn · 02/05/2019 15:16

Sorry I forgot to say; the not eating for two days and potentially self harming is actually very controlling. If my partner pulled that shit if I was going away for a few days I would be seriously questioning the relationship. It’s manipulative!

MissConductUS · 02/05/2019 15:17

What does turning his phone off actually mean? Why is it such a problem?

It could mean that he doesn't want there to be any way of knowing where he went. Apps like facebook log your location even when you're not using them.

LiverpoolVictoria · 02/05/2019 15:19

churchthecat OMG yes!!! I normally get a really expensive bottle of champagne and chocolate truffles, order takeaway and just stick my worst (but comfiest) PJ's on!

Madamedeluxe · 02/05/2019 15:19

Is he really going away with the lads for his birthday, not drinking and visiting museums?

SouthernComforts · 02/05/2019 15:20

Has he cheated on you? Because on the info you've given so far you sound a bit needy, sorry.

Peakypolly · 02/05/2019 15:20

I can’t imagine being with somebody who couldn’t eat or sleep for days before I went somewhere with my friends. And it’s no way for you to live, to be in s soriation which is clearly making you so anxious, for whatever reason. Frankly it sounds like you need to end it because you don’t trust him and I sincerely doubt that this is going to change even if he does stay in touch at the weekend.
This ^ but from you have said the anxiety issues would raise their heads in any relationship unless you pursue treatment. This is particularly important as you mention your behaviour is influencing your DDs attitudes.

churchthecat · 02/05/2019 15:22

LiverpoolVictoria Exactly. And i'll put the take away rubbish and empty bottle in the wheelie bin so he doesn't know i've been slobbing without him. I'll say I had a lovely healthy cycle and made some nice salad while he was off on the piss. Wink

OldAndWornOut · 02/05/2019 15:24

Surely this time would be different if he kept his phone on and kept in touch?
Him saying it will be different doesn't actually mean much.

Jaxhog · 02/05/2019 15:26

Tricky one. If you would want to constantly call him, thus spoling his time away, then I can see why he'd turn his phone off.

What my DH and I do when either is away on our own, is to agree to call each other early every evening. But we don't usually call each other otherwise. We trust each other and don't need to constantly checkin.

CatG85 · 02/05/2019 15:26

You're not being daft at all. I'd be exactly the same if my DH did that last time he went away.
I'd suggest just letting him go away this weekend and see if indeed things have changed. If he repeats past behaviour then you need to have a serious think about things but if he keeps to his word, lovely, you won't have to worry next time.
Just don't think you're being silly, I'm sure we'd all be the same.

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