When to try for a baby? Don't want to leave it too late...

[Maddy762]

Hi all,

I am 30 years old and dp is 33. We have been together 8 years. We plan to get married in two years time and are currently recovering from unexpected renovation costs after buying our first home and so paying off debts still.
I am doing a PhD, dp in full-time employment.

I would like babies in the future but don't want this for some time. I cannot imagine wanting to try before I'm 35 and even then, there is a lot of travelling that I want to do. In an ideal world if fertility were no issue I wouldn't have kids until 38, with second/third children in my forties. However, that isn't reality and I would rather have kids I guess younger than I would prefer, then not have them at all... When would be the best age? Is 35 for a first baby with plans for future children after that too risky?

I've just turned 34 and had my first child 6 months ago. However, I'd been trying to conceive for just over 2 years without any success (multiple early miscarriages) and got to a point where I knew I'd need help.

Like you, I wanted to do more travelling etc (not sure why as I have been to a lot if exciting destinations over the years) but also knew the risks of leaving it too late. And do you know what? No amount of travelling makes up for the love I feel for my daughter. I honestly wish I'd done this at least 5 years ago and I would happily try for another one tomorrow if I could. But that's my personal experience - I'm sure you'll do what's right for you.

Also, I'm sure they class you as a risk after the age of 35 as you're classed as an older mother. Could be wrong but I'm sure that's the case.

Hi, I had my first at 36, pregnant with my second now, I'll be 38 when I give birth. It really all depends on how healthy you are, how you feel, and luck of the draw to some extent in terms of complications. I will say though at 37, I am finding this pregnancy much harder going than the first one. but that is only my experience, yours might be different.

Oh dear, this subject in another thread resulted in a gigantic bun fight between the '35 and you're done' contingent and the 'most people have kids fine in their mid to late 30s (and sometimes later)'.

To my knowledge there is no 35 fertility cliff in the way that many people think, however there is an inceasing reduction in fertility which some people are affected by more than others.

My advice would be to invest in a fertility check with a reputable clinic and get an opinion on whether you are likely to have any problems - it will not be 'perfect' of course, but will be useful.
The fertility check should also include your partner incidentally.

I delayed trying to conceive until I was 36 (didn’t meet DH until early 30’s) Two of my sisters had babies at 38, I thought I would be ok. I was advised by a family planning doctor in my early thirties not to leave it too late if I wanted a family. I ignored the advice. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at 37. I did manage to have one Dc after a lot of treatment. If I could go back in time I would have had hormone tests amh, fsh which could have given me a clearer picture of my potential fertility and of course started earlier. I do however know a lot of women who have had dc in their late 30’s.

For reference, I put it off til 39, only really started trying at 40, have a partner who's regularly away, barely had sex around the right time a few times and got pregnant, with a 'perfect' pregnancy and birth at 41.
Listening to the advice/scare-mongering, I had been expecting years or trying and possibly IVF; was actually freaked out when fell pregnant.

There will be other people like me, there will be also people who had difficulty. My best advice is still to get an opinion from a fertility specialist somewhere reputable.

I had mine at 34 and 37. I have to say at mid 40s I do feel more knackered. I'm starting to feel older. Plus I'm now looking at menopause happening sooner rather than later. I'm happy mine are both at school and more indepentdent, I couldn't be doing with a toddler.

Also I 'm looking forward to when they can look after themselves more, don't need a babysitter etc. My parents left us for weekends to go away when we were teenagers.

The big thing for me is I want to see my DDs have children, be a grandmother. If they leave it until they are 40, I'll be ancient. I may not even live to see it.

(Sorry that was a bit confusing - I didn't try for a year; started trying around 40, had sex (once!) around the right time 4/5 times max over 6 months, fell pregnant 40.5, was 3 months past 41 at birth).

Impossible to say- everyone is different. You could have the amh test to give you an idea how long you might have left to try. It’s no exact science though, so it’s up to you whether you wanted to take “the risk” that it would all work out if you left if til late 30s.

I found out I had low ovarian reserve at 34, which was a shock as it had never occurred to me that I might have a problem getting pregnant and there had never been any signs of an issue, eg irregular periods, so don’t be fooled into thinking that everything is definitely ok like I was - I’m not saying it isn’t- but you can’t guarantee it.

I had my DD when I was 35. Not planned to have them late, just didn't meet DH until I was 31.
Pregnancy was pretty dull. No issues whatsoever and conceived in a month. I realise how lucky that was! Ended in failed induction and emcs. Recovered fine.

Pregnant now and I'm 38, due next month. This pregnancy has been exactly the same. Still went to the gym, but the extra pressure of dealing with a toddler has made this harder. Otherwise, it's another boring pregnancy. Took a few months to conceive (like 3) but I assumed this was because we couldn't just DTD with wild abandon like the first one.

You can travel with children, they are fairly portable and sociable and just add to the experience, I'd say. Finish the PhD by all means but don't put it off until late 30s when you know you both want kids together. Your lucky to have met your partner so young.

Personally my hard cut off was age 35. I had my first at 29 and then had two more shortly after. It was nice because we had kids all around the same time as our friends so now they are all around the same age and can all play together. It's nice to be young when your kids are young so you still have lots of energy and can bounce back easier after pregnancy. A lot of the mums at our private school are older and look downright haggard and defeated by their kids

I've had so many friends in their 30s encounter fertility problems that it's really changed my perspective. I don't say this to be scaremongering-- I know so many women have babies in their late 30s and older (my own mum did) but I can't help but feel that the mentality of always thinking you can wait can lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Is there a way you can check your eggs and partner's sperm count?

(Again sorry to be pessimistic but the number of friends who have said to me "I wish we had known earlier" )

We can tell you our experiences but what matters is your own fertility (and partners). I waited until I was 35 as my younger DH wanted to wait. With Dc1 I conceived first attempt. Started trying for DC2 at 37 and it took over 6 months including 1 early miscarriage. I know loads of women will tell you they conceived easily in their 40s but the fact is there's apparently only a 5% chance of conceiving each month once you're in your 40s. My mum went through the menopause at 52 so I wasn't really thinking about it in my early 40s but started getting perimenopausal symptoms at 42 so I think I would find it very difficult to conceive in my 40s. Also I just feel very different in my 40s to how I felt in my 30s. I'm much more tired, I feel stiff and old and not really looking forward to dealing with the teenage years once I'm in my 50s!other things to consider are grandparents. My kids are young and my parents are very old now. I feel sad that they'll only have a few more years together while I was lucky enough to have my grandparents well in to my 20s. I can't really ask my parents for help as they're too old and frail. I have to juggle trying to help my parents (who live far away) with bringing up my kids.

I'll post here what I've said on another similar thread.....

Fine to wait until your in a better situation financially etc but please don't expect that over 35 when you decide the "time is right" that you'll magically get pregnant.....you don't know how easy it will be to get pregnant or stay pregnant - it could take you several months or several years and yes fertility does decline with age (especially if you are seeking that second child in your 40s)

Women need to start taking responsibility for their own fertility - What happens when your 38 and find it isn't that easy - the NHS shouldn't have to pick up the bill to provide fertility treatment because you've purposely chosen to leave it to an age that the most medical professionals agree is when fertility is already compromised

It was on the news only the other day that ivf success rates for someone over 42 is like 2% - and there's a reason that NHS and other ivf clinics have a cut off of 40 after which they won't treat you

Don't be fooled by the likes of Amal Clooney (pregnant with twins in her 40s) or Meg Markle (pregnant at 37) who conceived it would seem relatively easily - you don't know what "help" they had and it portrays to women that they have a much longer window of opportunity than they really do

And I'll post what I posted in the other thread too.

More than 80% of couples where the woman is under 40 will conceive naturally within a year of having regular unprotected sex.

Nhs fertility page.

40s, yes, is a different kettle of fish.

Could be wrong but I thought the Clooney s were upfront about having had fertility treatment.

The NHS pays for lots of 'self inflicted' problems; why pick infertility as the one they won't treat. (As long as it's not past an age wheres it's feasible). And lots of infertility is not only age related - how would doctors specify exactly what is the sole issue, a lot of the time they can't.

Also people going for IVF later have probably worked full-time paid their national insurance and taxes continuously for longer than someone who's had career breaks for children by that point, who knows if they'll make that up of not. I haven't had to have IVF but I don't see why anyone eligable shouldn't get it.

• eligible

I think ivf should be free on the nhs if you delayed tax due to not finding the “ right person” . If you delay ttc past 35 because you want to travel , advance your career etc then I don't think ivf should be free, unless you have a medical condition that means ivf would have been necessary at any age.

Mydc..

Problem is, who's going to be honest about that

Peak fertility for female is 24. Your body releases all the ‘good’ eggs in anticipation of reproduction. Egg quality declines with age, which is why you’re more likely to have trouble falling pregnant, have a miscarriage or have a child with disabilities the older you get. This is a scientific fact and not anecdotal.
Have a look on the infertility boards - majority of threads is people in their late 30s/early 40s needing help. Read the emotions and anguish in their posts. Then ask yourself whether putting off ttc for a year cos you want to go on holiday is ultimately worth it.

Ok this is all very interesting, thank you.
There may be a possibility for me to go to Australia for a 2 year postdoc after my PhD. This would mean leaving when I'm 31 and coming back at 33. Do you think 34 is leaving things too late for ttc?

If you really want kids then waiting is a mistake, elsewhere there's an "ivf is so hard" thread, read it. Fertility isn't guaranteed, it all depends on how much you want kids - some women are able to conceive with ease over 40, other find at 30 it's not possible.

None of us can tell you when to try for a baby.

But re: travel. I've travelled more since having children. They don't stop you.