When to try for a baby? Don't want to leave it too late...

[Maddy762]

Hi all,

I am 30 years old and dp is 33. We have been together 8 years. We plan to get married in two years time and are currently recovering from unexpected renovation costs after buying our first home and so paying off debts still.
I am doing a PhD, dp in full-time employment.

I would like babies in the future but don't want this for some time. I cannot imagine wanting to try before I'm 35 and even then, there is a lot of travelling that I want to do. In an ideal world if fertility were no issue I wouldn't have kids until 38, with second/third children in my forties. However, that isn't reality and I would rather have kids I guess younger than I would prefer, then not have them at all... When would be the best age? Is 35 for a first baby with plans for future children after that too risky?

The majority of women?

Im a gynae nurse working in a recurrent miscarriage clinic. 9/10 of our patients are over 35. I’m not pulling statistics or facts out of my arse this is my living. Fact is your natural fertility declines the older you are, your chance of miscarriage is raised the older you are, the chance of chromosome abnormalities (which is what causes majority of miscarriage) raises the older you are, womb lining gets thinner the older you are, your blood clots differently the older you are, your eggs quality declines the older you are, hormones which control your menstural cycle are of a different ratio the older you get, I could go on.
Endo/pcos symptoms present themselves so most people know they have a problem yet most people who struggle to conceive won’t know until it’s too late. Under 35s have to be trying for a year before referred for investigations - (which resets if they conceive but miscarry) over 35s only 6 months (no resetting) Why do you think that is? You’re calling actual basic level science scaremongering. Do you also think the world is flat and that people can change sex!?
And if you don’t know the difference between the formation and difference between men and women’s gametes and why age induced natural infertility is more likely to affect women then there’s no point explaining it to you

All being equal ie with the right person I wanted my family completed by 35. But very personal decision if you would be ok with not having children or want only 1 or have different priorities that’s fine

OP I would there's always going to be things you would want to do and things you wished you had done, but conception and raising kids gets more difficult the older you get. And I get the impression that having kids is such a drastic change it changes your perspective on life. So I would suggest not delaying any further, if you really want kids.

There are statistics and anecdotes. Plain truth is you can try at any time in the 35 to 40 age bracket and it may be easy, hard or impossible. You won’t know till you try. As a woman who has seen her closest friends and also relatives get through their fertile years as we all hit late forties early fifties approx 25% have had issues. Again anecdotal but a friend didn’t start trying till about 38, turns out major issues mean her eggs were never going to be fertilised at any age. An example of not know8ng till you try.
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Depends how desperately you want kids.

If you know that you wouldn’t be truly happy if you never managed to have them and becoming a mum feels like a non negotiable to you, then adjust your timeline and start as soon as you’re comfortable/able to (willing partner and adequate resources).

If you’re on the fence and believe you’d still be happy if it never happened then by all means wait. Just educate yourself so it’s a decision made in full knowledge of the risks.

It all boils down to appetite for risk and how badly you want children. The older you are the smaller your chances of a successful pregnancy.

Getting pregnant is a lottery. Get both of your fertility checked - sperm test for him and ovulation / hormone tests for you. We waited. Discovered husband had no usable sperms and had to have icsi when I was 35.

We started TTC when I was 33 and I'm nearly 36 now. No known reasons so we were in the 'unexplained' infertility camp. After 3 failed IVF cycles, it turns out I might have endometriosis, possibly needing surgery in the next few months before I can continue with treatment. If you need help then egg quality significantly decreases age 38. I'd recommend starting early if you know you want children in the instance that you run into problems. Good luck x

We can't give you the answers unfortunately, you don't know if you're going to have problems until you try. I guess the issue is that if you leave it late to try then you have less time to go through multiple rounds of treatment if that is what is needed and what you want to do.

For various reasons I thought I would struggle to conceive so we started trying at 30. Got pregnant quickly. Tried for DC 2 4 years later and no joy at all. We had ivf and were lucky enough to be successful first time when I was 36. Then I got pregnant with DC3 entirely by accident at 38 when we thought we had no chance at all.

If you know you really, really want kids then just get on with it would be my advice. You can take kids travelling!

The majority of women TTC between 35 and 40 will do so. A not insignificant minority, won't. "80%+" is, to be fair, decent odds but still means 1 in 5 couples face the heartache and uncertainty of infertility. That's not a remote risk - even though it's still more likely than not the dice will roll in your favour between 35 and 40.

Also relevant that time to conceive may be longer. Miscarriage risk is, sadly, higher. And (bearing all this in mind) if you'd plan to have more than one child, don't just think about your age when TTC the first child, look ahead to probable age when TTC the next.

If you do encounter problems, and seek fertility treatment, younger people statistically have better prospects of success in any given IVF cycle (if using own eggs, that is). The infertility may always have been an issue, that's true, but there is a better chance of a happy ending following treatment if you're younger when you embark on treatment.

Fertility MOTs can give false reassurance. A lot of infertility patients are "unexplained" and pass an MOT with flying colours.

The risks are just one factor in a very personal decision and everyone must weigh them in the balance for themselves, along with all the other factors relevant in their lives to the decision.

My personal decision was to wait (though I didn't fully understand the risks at the time). I landed up in the unlucky 20% and didn't conceive naturally, due to unexplained infertility. 3 years and some IVF later, I was lucky and got my miracle. I only have one child, though. I couldn't personally wish to go back and change anything, because I love DS to bits and if my fairy godmother could let me remake any of the decisions that led to DS, I wouldn't have him, I'd have a different child, and I wouldn't choose that. But I think it's important people have eyes open to the risks.

I think it depends on how desperately you want children/how devastated you'd be if you couldn't have them, due to early menopause or the issues that come the older we get. It's a gamble.
I got pg with my first, at 35, first time trying. (I did not delay for any reason other than not meeting my husband til I was 34. But I am glad I got some good travelling, partying and saving done - but as other have said, you can of course still travel (just funds aren't as good.)
My friend went through the early menopause also at 35. :(

Billions of anecdotes for both sides. There is no easy answer. I guess freeze eggs as others have said - but then implanting them isn't necessarily straight-forward.

Good luck.

Can anyone advise best place for a fertility check please

You might start TTC at 34 and have no problems, or you might start at 30 and not be able to get pregnant. You just don't know how it's going to go. I spent my 20s concentrating on my career, doing a PhD then establishing myself in industry. We started TTC when I turned 30. 3 losses later, a super rare genetic mutation diagnosis for my DH and myself, we finally have a DS, but it took 3 years to get there. Every pregnancy we have there is a 1 in 4 chance of a lethal abnormality. We had no idea of any of this before we started TTC. You don't know what the future holds.

My advice would be, if you do want DC, start trying as soon as is reasonably practicable. Think about your long term career too, is a postdoc worth it? What happens after your initial 2 years? I don't know what field you're in but in STEM, the longer you postdoc the harder it is to do anything else. Have a serious think about whether you can realistically bring a child up with such insecurity.

My DH and I will soon start trying TTC for our second. The circumstances aren't perfect but I would much rather have the family I want and struggle financially temporarily than delay it and then not be able to have another.

I'll throw my experience in.

I conceived my DC at 32 and 34. I had issues with my first that were probably down to not doing the deed frequently enough and coming off the pill after over 10 years. With youngest, it happened within the first month of trying.

Physically, especially after having my second, it's been hard and I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier when I was younger. At 39 now, I couldn't imagine anything worse than having another baby.

You can always go back to work, qualifications, traveling etc. You can't go back and have kids.

We can't give you the answers unfortunately, you don't know if you're going to have problems until you try. I guess the issue is that if you leave it late to try then you have less time to go through multiple rounds of treatment if that is what is needed and what you want to do.

That was my mentality, and why I pushed the kids issue in my late twenties with my ex and then we split up due to being on different pages. Thankfully met OH straight after within weeks and made a plan together to TTC a couple of years later when I was 31.

I felt I’d have issues due to endo, but largely my thoughts were that if we struggled we’d have possibly a decade to try and rectify issues/have IVF/go through the adoption process. The longer you wait the less time you have. The trick is to try balance it so you’re not trying in a terrible position where you can’t provide for a child, while also not waiting too long for a ‘perfect’ situation if you’re not happy to risk not having them at all.

I see a lot of ‘you’re 33, you’re so young, you have years!’ on this board which is really concerning, yes you technically still have time to get pregnant if you wait a while but if the issue is being with a partner who doesn’t want kids you absolutely need time to figure things out, potentially split, meet someone else, try find another relationship that will last and settle in before trying which could take a while to fall pregnant, and then contend with increased risk of miscarriage the older you are.

It’s not scaremongering it’s being informed. I honestly feel horror at the alternative way my life could have gone if I’d pushed my desire for a child aside with my ex to stay with him and wait for him to become ready, given I found out later I was subfertile with one blocked tube and endo. As it stands I went into my current relationship letting him know on date two I wanted a family within the next three years and if that wasn’t his goals too we shouldn’t date.

Women should advocate for themselves and proactively consider their fertility and not leave it all down to the men in their lives to make decisions for them.

With fertility you just don’t know until you try. Even if you have a DC relatively easily, you might struggle with number 2, 3... It’s the great unknown unfortunately. What IS known however without doubt is that fertility lowers with age.

I had my first DC at 32 (first month) and I’m now pregnant again at 35 but this time I’ve had 2 mc and it’s taken nearly two years. Complete shock after experience with our first DC. So naive. I’m so much more tired this time round and know I’m ‘done’.

Regardless of fertility, pregnancy is harder as you get older. Being pregnant at 27 was a breeze. Being pregnant at 35 considerably harder: Everything hurt more & I was exhausted.

Now in my 40s the idea of doing it again is horrific to me.