Physical abuse episode 14 years ago, why cant i forget.

[Justcantforget]

Ive posted before about other things but name changed. Around 14 years ago my DH pulled me out of bed after a night out drinking and punched and kicked me. We had been out together and had an argument so i left him and went home alone and it happened when he got home. Nothing like that has happened since(together over 20years now) i feel like i cant argue at times as its always in the back of my mind he could do it again. Ive talked to him about this and i know hes sorry but i keep having times of thinking about that awful night

Well your body won’t allow you to forget as a protection mechanism .
You live with a dangerous man.
As you know, it was a warning to you to be a good girl otherwise you’d get a beating.
Ever since you’ve towed the line.
Because you fear for your life and you live with a violent abuser.
Once is enough.
Leave.

Pp is right. Your body is screaming with every fibre for you to get out. Your instincts are trying to protect you from this man. You need to leave. It's not happened again because you're walking on eggshells around him.

I'd imagine you have some sort of PTSD, could you see someone for therapy?
If this happened to you on the street or someone broke into your house you'd be terrified, it's probably worse because it was your husband.
Are you scared of him?

This man pulled you out of the safest place in your home : your bed, to attack you due to an argument you rightly removed yourself from hour/s earlier.
This is not something anyone would ever forget how could they or you. It is a terrifying experience to have happened.
Your instincts are on guard ever since because the fact is you no longer have a safe place you share a bed with the person who was violent to you in that very space.
One bout of violence is enough for you to either leave or toe the line and modify your behavior in arguments.
You don't have to accept what this man did to you any longer it's ok to say no I'm actually never going to be ok with this

I feel like im just dragging the past up, weve had DC3 since then and generally things are going well, its just something i cant get over, ive thought about therapy, can you get this through nhs or would i have to pay private? Thanks all for advice.

It sounds like you have PTSD. You’re brain keeps repeating it as you a way of keeping you safe if that makes sense? To prevent it from happening again? I’m going through something similar and from what I understand that’s why we keep re remembering traumatic events

#Hithere12, yes maybe it could be that, i hope your ok, are you having any therapy?

Well you could have therapy but it would be kind of skimming over the issue. You’d have therapy to forget he’s dangerous? But then he is dangerous and not paying attention to that puts you at a heightened risk.
Right now you’re aware of what he is. So you’re modifying your behaviour accordingly.
A therapist can’t tell you he won’t do it again, because every therapist knows a physical abuser usually does strike again .
A therapist can’t tell you to forgive and forget, because a revelation like this about someone that is allowed in the home with your children, well... it’s vital to be aware.
If he was a dog you’d have had him put down.

It would be better to get rid of him, then have the therapy.
Or have therapy that tries to get to the root of why you can’t walk from your abuser (it’s very very hard) .

Have you told him you’re scared of him?

Ive told him a few times over the years and i know hes ashamed and hes apologised, i feel very mixed up lately as how can i be happy some days and other days i think about that night, i sometimes think as it was the one time and nothing like that since that i should just forget about it but its hard to forge

To forget!

Does anyone know what he did?
Or have you had to promote his Mr nice guy image to your friends and family for all these years?
Did you seek any help at the time, eg police, domestic abuse charity etc?

I had a heart to heart with a close friend a few months ago, she was shocked. No i didnt seek any help.

Also. How does he react when he’s faced with the issue of domestic violence on tv etc?
Does he accept he is a perpetrator of domestic violence?
Would he sit in a circle and explain what he is with a whole room full of the bastards ?
Or does he feel it was just a little one off to be swept under the carpet.
Also. What would you tell your daughter if she experienced the same treatment from her partner?

I dont think he sees himelf as a perpetrator, i dont even know if he thinks about that night as he was very drunk, i know that's absolutely no excuse. I will be a hypocrite and tell my DCs to walk away if any kind of abuse happens in their relationships.

So you had to keep his dirty little secret all these years?
So he’s been happy to have you stand at functions and gatherings, amongst family and friends, playing happy families, when all the while he sees fit to brutally attack you in your own home?!
WHAT A CUNT.

So he’s a minimiser then too.
He doesn’t think about it and you can’t stop thinking about it.

I think it will be very difficult to find a therapist or counsellor who will help you work on ways to live with an abuser, which is in effect what you are asking them; "how do I learn to live with and not be afraid of a man who has violently attacked me".

Although he physically attacked you once, in effect he has constantly abused you since. The fact that you feel unable to speak up in your own home, you are scared of him because you fear physical violence due to his actions - that's an abusive relationship. It doesn't actually matter that it was 14 years ago or that it was "only" once, because the effects on you are severe and ongoing. They will be ongoing for the entire duration of your relationship with him. I'm sorry, OP, but that's really the bottom line. If you want to heal from this then you need to leave your abusive relationship.

Op because domestic violence escalates, you have to leave. ASAP.
It does not matter a single bit about the duration between attacks. This is typical .
But the next time will inevitably be worse.
Lots of women who are attacked for the first time will say that their partner was never violent before.
Then later they remember that 15 years ago he smashed a hole in the wall, or threw something at them. And this is the TYPICAL script of escalating violence.
Now your husbands violence was shocking and extreme. Next time he could kill you in front of your children.
I’m sorry to be blunt but this is how domestic violence works. It’s like a disease with timelines and worsening symptoms that you just can’t prevent.

You can’t forget because you are in the same situation/relationship and it really could happen again.

Errr he hasn't hurt her for 20 years! Why would she leave now?? Men CAN be mortified, sorry and change their behaviour you know.

I think you should have counselling, preferably together, to talk it through, before you make any decisions to leave, urged by nameless people on the internet.

I have thought about leaving, just seems so surreal as problems we had were in the past, i guess im feeling stronger now and I'm in a better place financially, what would i say to my DCs? My heads a complete mess, when i think about it, it feels like im living a lie.

Bigusbumus what a load of shite.
Take your dangerous advice elsewhere.

Ps bigusbumus
No therapist in their right mind would take on couples therapy where the man is a violent abuser. Where is your head?