Physical abuse episode 14 years ago, why cant i forget.

[Justcantforget]

Ive posted before about other things but name changed. Around 14 years ago my DH pulled me out of bed after a night out drinking and punched and kicked me. We had been out together and had an argument so i left him and went home alone and it happened when he got home. Nothing like that has happened since(together over 20years now) i feel like i cant argue at times as its always in the back of my mind he could do it again. Ive talked to him about this and i know hes sorry but i keep having times of thinking about that awful night

#thedaily , yes that makes sense.

Violent abusers are the same the world over.
I don’t need to get to know every individual case.
Because no woman should stay with a violent man under any circumstances.

@BigusBumus obviously this is a huge joke to you, but this is someone's life. It's very obvious that you don't have a clue what you're talking about and actually your comments are dangerous. Please, before commenting on such a serious topic where someone's safety and well-being is at stake, do some research (statistics on abuse patterns are widely available and would disabuse you of your false ideas about risk levels and the passage of time) or just don't comment if you aren't interested in giving safe advice or support. By the way, no professional therapist will take on a couple where there has been domestic abuse, no matter when or how often that abuse occurred/occurs.

Bigusbumus -
being eventually killed by the violent man is the risk that EVERY VICTIM faces if he remains in the home.

Why don’t you two aresholes take your argument elsewhere
How the actual fuck are you helping the op.

@meandwinealone
Excuse me?
Read my posts

@meandwinealone
Actually your question is totally ignorant and irrelevant.
Doesn’t matter how he’s dealt with the incident, because the Op is still scared of him.

@leatherflamingle
I have. And I am not going to derail a thread.

OP, counselling or therapy might actually be a good idea for you. Not so you can get over what happened and forget it but so you have a safe supportive place to process properly what your husband did to you and decide what to do next.

To be honest, the person you share a home and a bed with violently attacking you is probably one of the most traumatic things that can happen to you. If you are not safe in your own home - your own bed - because the person you married attacked you, it is devastating to the sense of security we all need. Your response seems perfectly normal to me. If you did forget all about it - that would be the strange response.

It also seems from your posts that your husband didn't actually treat this very seriously. You said he seemed ashamed and he only talks about it if you raise it. That is a very lukewarm response to beating up your wife - if you are indeed shocked and horrified and ashamed at what you did.

The op is in a dangerous position.
Extremely.
Anyone that doesn’t recognise it shouldn’t be posting.

@leatherflamingle
You have no idea how to deal with trauma. You’re on the attack. Much like the ops husband. Have you thought about being gentle.
Forcing attack down someone’s neck doesn’t help at all. If you had any ounce of intelligence you would have an idea of how abuse and survivors of abuse each in their own unique situation deal with what has happened, past or present.
Scaring them doesn’t work. But well done for trying.

Your subconscious is registering that you are in a dangerous place

It recognises that at any time, no matter how long ago the previous incident occurred, that it could happen again at any given moment

This is the reality of living with a perpetrator of domestic violence. It doesn't just go away, no matter how much your conscious mind tries to suppress it

Meandwinealone you've said that perfectly. Thank you.

And I'm sorry to the OP for absolutely hating what leatherflamingle is doing and saying to you. I don't want to upset the OP so I shall leave.

@meandwinealone don’t address me again.
You have no clue about my personal circumstances. I have more experience than you have in your toenail. Fact. Read all my mumsnet posts.
I have not tried to scare the op whatsoever! My replies are in response to bigusbumus who thinks violent men change over time. I’m letting her know, as she is so very ignorant, that they do not.
Likewise to any woman on this thread who asks a question like, “how’s his behaviour been since he beat you up” ?!?! Who cares?!
Totally irrelevant.

@leatherflamingle
You know nothing about me.

I feel that “how has he been since?”
Kind of stands with “what did you do to deserve it?” In terms of stupidity, ignorance, and irrelevance.
The question is how has the victim been since.
And the answer is, scared.

I appreciate everyone's advice/opinions so thanks all for taking time to reply.

@justcantforget I wish you lots of strength.
You’ve probably put everyone else first for all these years. When you’re children are tiny there’s always nappies to change , meals to prepare...
As they move towards their teen years and you have a little more time for contemplation, often this is when memories of past abuse come to the surface. Do something for you.

Leatherflamingle yes that's very true, i find it hard to put myself first as always want those around me to be happy.

Bless you. But now it’s your turn....
I can not describe to you the fog that lifts when you stop walking on eggshells.
It’s a weird thing because you will not realise you’ve been doing it as much as you have.
At first it feels so foreign you will not even be able to place the feeling.

Your body will feel different if you stop carrying this around .

And you know op, give yourself a pat on the back and cut yourself some slack .
You brought your children up while having to deal with this enormous cloud over your life, with nobody to share it with.
This wasn’t of your making whatsoever.
You’ve done it in the shadow of trauma... lots of us would’ve broken down long before now.
But don’t let this define your life any longer.

And just one more little thing.
It is often people that like to keep everyone happy, that experience the worst type of abuse.
These people (you) are so very kind, that they often don’t disclose abuse for fear that somebody else will be upset by the disclosure.
The abuser knows this, which gives them more power.
Your first thoughts are for your children
You probably even worry about hurting your husbands feelings. That’s because you are a good person . And it’s because you’re a good person , that you know how wrong this all is.

Leatherflamingle, aww your words are making my eyes fill, thank you, yes i do actually care what will happen to my DH if we split as he's not really got any close family and i do love him just not in a way that i could do anymore.

Of course you do.
It isn’t inconceivable that you love the person you’ve raised a family with.
But, sometimes you have to put yourself first.
He made his choice and sadly it was one with irrevocable consequences.
He did it because he thought he could.
He got away with it this long, you’ve protected his reputation all these years, you owe him nothing.
Tread carefully when you leave him.
Leave him first, tell him after.
Ignore any suicide threats he may make.
Read about grey rock technique in dealing with him after that. Be strong.
If you can, tell someone in real life that you trust.
Be uncompromising in your language so people are clear about the support you need.

leatherflamingle. Yay! Another confused and upset woman you've persuaded to leave their supposedly potentially murdering husband. How many a that now on your spreadsheet? 👏🏼