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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him

89 replies

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 18:20

I am seeing a lovely guy for nearly a year and we get on great. He has a few female friends which l generally have no problem with, however, one of them seems to demand alot of his time. This girl expects him to go walking with her two evenings per week and do an outdoor activity on a Sunday. My boyfriend said he will only go walking with her when it suits him and that our plans come first. I cannot get my head around the fact that she seems so clingy, even though she knows he is in a relationship now. He assures me it's only friendship on his part but even though he will tell her he is busy, she will keep messaging him to make more arrangements. Why can't she join a walking group? I feel a bit uncomfortable about it all as l feel she is over stepping the boundaries a bit, any thoughts welcome

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2019 18:23

Goodness, even if she were a he, I wouldn't be at all happy with this. Why does she need to spend 2 evenings and a Sunday with him? That's just too demanding. Most friends try to see each other once a month.
I have to admit, it's peculiar.

Does she know about you?

NoBaggyPants · 30/04/2019 18:24

She is free to ask. He is free to say yes or no.

What boundaries is she overstepping?

washinglions · 30/04/2019 18:24

It's not you or him. It's her. She wants him for herself, I reckon, and she is trying to get him away from you.

mimibunz · 30/04/2019 18:26

Invite her over for dinner to get a feel for her? I does seem like a lot of time together. Does she fancy him?

MashedSpud · 30/04/2019 18:27

Why can’t she invite you both?

Three times a week seems excessive.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 18:28

Nobaggypants, lts like she wants her time with him and will keep asking to meet. She does know about me. Personally if it were my friend l would back off a bit but she is persistent. My boyfriend does say no when it doesn't suit him but he does still meet up with her.

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 30/04/2019 18:31

How long has he known her? I think if she was a friend he had known for many years (with nothing ever happening with them) it wouldn't be as bad...but I'd still want to meet her so like prior poster said-invite her over for dinner.

If however, it's a work mate or someone he hasn't known long...i'd be pointing out that it wasn't really appropriate I think...and that I expected him to convey that to her and set some boundaries (eg: only meeting as part of a group/in daylight ect…).

Also, might be mentionable that you only have his word that it is her being clingy and that he is rebuffing her to an extent...and that they are going walking... so if he doesn't want to invite her for dinner/set appropriate boundaries for a start, i'd be more suspicious of HIM.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2019 18:34

She can only overstep boundaries of your boyfriend allows her to. I don't see that you have anything to be concerned about, honestly.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 18:38

As far as l know they have been friends for a few years. They did walk alot before he met me & went away on the odd trip together. He said there is no romantic history there but my guess it that perhaps they got chatting on a dating site. He was at my place at the weekend and he text me by mistake, apparently they were making arrangements to go walking on the Sunday evening--which he later cancelled as we went away for the day. Its not something l have encountered in previous relationships this friendship dynamic.

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 30/04/2019 18:38

What a good point! It's true, OP. You really only have his side of the story. I have really good male friends and we hardly see each other. I don't know anyone who has that kind of time to give to/spend with friends. I'd be asking to join an evening walk and see what his reaction is.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 18:44

He doesn't see her as clingy but l do. He asked me at the weekend if l wanted to meet her, honestly l have no interest in meeting her as her being so demanding is putting me right off her.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/04/2019 18:56

If they've been walking together as a hobby on a regular basis, then why would she expect that to stop just because he has a girlfriend?

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 19:05

I would not expect them to stop their hobby. If he spends three evenings with me per week, she still expects the same time with him as when he was single. If he is with me for eg on a Wednesday night, she will message again about another walk.

OP posts:

Newmumma83 · 30/04/2019 19:07

Meet her anyway ... keep your friends close but your enemy’s closer x x

category12 · 30/04/2019 19:11

Walking is an activity they do together - a hobby. You are expecting them to stop or reduce it.

Really you should meet her, go along, see whether you're as threatened afterwards.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 19:11

If it were my male friend and he started a new relationship with someone, l would let him ask about the walking. I would not have the same expectations of him as before. I would have respect for our friendship and not keep messaging, but that's just me. As my boyfriend says, not everyone is like me.

OP posts:

washinglions · 30/04/2019 19:15

Well I think she should back off and find her own man instead of trying to monopolise yours.

category12 · 30/04/2019 19:16

It's normal and healthy to keep up friendships and activities, and not give them up just because you're in a relationship.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 19:17

I haven't asked him to stop or reduce it. I think for me it boils down to some woman that demands so much of my boyfriends time. I am uncomfortable with it. I would not get in the way of their friendship but it seems excessive to me. My boyfriend and l love going on long walks ourselves but l wouldn't expect it from him.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/04/2019 19:20

They have been in the habit of going walking twice a week before you came along.
He's told you he'll put plans with you first and puts her off when it clashes.
You do want him to reduce or stop it, otherwise what is your problem with him doing what he wants on his free evenings?

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 19:21

Category12, yes you are right, of course its normal to maintain friendships and do activities together, l get that but it's not like they are training for a marathon judging by the amount of time she wants to spend with him.

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 30/04/2019 19:23

My boyfriend has female friends but there was one who I was not comfortable with. My boyfriend listened to my concerns and distanced himself from her. He put me first.

If your boyfriend does not do this, then get rid. The amount of times they see each other per week is ridiculous.

I also have a male friend, since he got a girlfriend we meet up with our significant others. His girlfriend would not be happy if I met up alone with him every week and I wouldn't blame her! Your boyfriend friend has no boundaries.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/04/2019 19:24

Sorry, but this guy is tripping my spidey senses. He's very clearly triangulating you and her - setting you up as rivals while he is all clueless and innocent in the middle. She's the pushy one who is trying to get in the middle of your relationship, you're the controlling one who stops him from hanging out with his friends.

All of this is solvable by your boyfriend. He can tell her he is only available to walk one night a week (or whatever) or he can tell you that he is going to keep hanging out with his friend four times a week. But he doesn't do either of those things - he keeps her as the backup plan (changing his plans at short notice and blowing her off to spend time with you) and uses her to keep you on your toes (still going walking when it suits him).

Don't fall for it - what he wants is you two looking daggers at each other and fighting over him.

Original poster

Jingers5 · 30/04/2019 19:35

That's something l did think of, when he cancels on her, l can imagine from her point of view that it's not nice. There have been times that he said she was annoying him about going walking etc. I honestly didn't think my boyfriend would just play us off each other like that. I wondered if she's a back up plan incase we don't work out(as a companion). I have never tried to control him- l told him that she seemed like a clinger, that keeps coming back for more.

OP posts:

EstuaryBird · 30/04/2019 19:57

It reads as if you’re putting all the blame on her but she may well have asked him if it’s OK and he’s said yes so things have carried on as they were.

I don’t understand why you don’t want to meet her? Surely that would be the best way to judge her intentions and to make your presence more ‘real’. I don’t see how you can judge her if you haven’t even met her

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