Is it me or him

[Jingers5]

I am seeing a lovely guy for nearly a year and we get on great. He has a few female friends which l generally have no problem with, however, one of them seems to demand alot of his time. This girl expects him to go walking with her two evenings per week and do an outdoor activity on a Sunday. My boyfriend said he will only go walking with her when it suits him and that our plans come first. I cannot get my head around the fact that she seems so clingy, even though she knows he is in a relationship now. He assures me it's only friendship on his part but even though he will tell her he is busy, she will keep messaging him to make more arrangements. Why can't she join a walking group? I feel a bit uncomfortable about it all as l feel she is over stepping the boundaries a bit, any thoughts welcome

Hang on, they last went walking three weeks ago? And not at all in the winter? That's a very different picture to the 'two evenings a week and more at the weekends' you were painting earlier.

As far as l know, it was two evenings per week and some kind of outing on a Sunday up until the winter months. His friend was messaging about meeting but he had plans with me at the weekends and my bf would tell her this. Since the time changed, she wants to meet the same as before.

Could your boyfriend tell this woman clearly the amount of time he now has to give? ie One evening a week. He can say that he now wants to spend the weekends with you.

Maybe if she has been told quite directly, then she will no longer ask about spending the extra time with him, IYSWIM. Because then she really would be weird!

Also, then all three of you would know where you stand. I feel a bit sorry for this woman in a way although she does sound a pain too! She was used to seeing a lot of this friend and now he has a girlfriend and isn't so available. But that's life.

He has said to her that he is spending the weekend/night with me, but then she comes back about meeting the next morning first thing or that evening. He has a male friend who he shares a hobby with, if he can't meet him, then the guy will say- that's no problem, let me know when you can make it. The fact that she has not replied to his message about him spending the weekend at my place tells me her nose is out of joint. Any normal friend would say have a good time and sure we can catch up again. If he does meet her for a walk etc then she wants more.

OP, I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but if your partner truly felt like this friend was being too clingy and was pushing the boundaries, then he would say something

You need to ask yourself why isn’t he saying something?

I’m not saying he’s madly in love with her but there’s obviously a reason why he isn’t being straight with her.
Is he a people pleaser who finds it hard to say no? Is he keeping her ‘there’ just Incase you two don’t work out? Is he enjoying having this friend cling onto him

It’s making you uncomfortable. Tell him how you feel. He doesn’t need to give the friendship up as in all honesty nothing has happened, but if he continues to not set boundaries and have a word with her, I’d be rethinking this relationship if I was you

There’s nothing worse than a clingy, over bearing friend regardless of whether they’re male or female.

I honestly think he is keeping her for back up incase we don't work out. He wasn't in a relationship for a good while before he met me and said they went walking regularly instead of being home alone. Obviously, there was no issue until we got together. They used to meet up etc, then we started spending more time together as couples do and he would keep telling her that he was busy if our plans clashed. He said he told her that his relationship with me is his priority. She will back off then for a week or two but comes back again. I have no problem with people having friends but l understand that when someone starts a relationship that they are not going to have the same free time as they had previously. He said that no man would stick her as she is hard work- this comes from conversations they have had and the high expectations she has about the men she meets. I personally would have thought that given the fact my boyfriend and l are together nearly a year and very happy together that she would have eased off a bit herself. It's up to him really to let her know about his boundaries as he has tried but maybe not enough.

Eh, it's not like she's dragging him out to wine and dine him, they go walking as a hobby. If she likes company on her walks, she's just trying to rearrange times. She might be doing it for fitness or whatnot.

If she was after him, she'd have surely made her move before you turned up. Not really sure why you object to him going for a walk with her on his free evenings. It doesn't impinge on you, if he cancels when he's seeing you.

Also him badmouthing her to you isn't very nice.

I go walking with my friend, 3 times a week approx for an hour or two. We have regualar days but sometimes things come up and one of us cant make that day.

Now heres the thing - if one of us cant make it and becuase we enjoy walking together rather than alone, we will text and ask when can they make it? Can you make Thursday? No! how about Friday etc..... its becuase they do the excercise together and maybe it's becuase she enjoys walking with someone rather than on her own that she is trying to arrange another day when he's not with you.

He can do what he wants, when he wants, when he isn't with you and you (IMO) need to back off. What gives you the right to dictate how he should spend his spare time.

She is his friend trying to get him to give her another day to go walking together LIKE THEY HAVE DONE PREVIOUSLY and if he wanted her, he would have gone down that route already.

sounds like they use to spend Sundays doing stuff together which they both enjoyed and she is still thinking why they can't still do that if he's not seeing you.

If he was my friend, i'd be pissed off that he seems to only spend time walking with me when you weren't around, i would want firm days with him so i'm not just sat there wondering if he's going to call and go walking tonight or weekend

Can you see how it looks from her perspective?

She's not dragging him out to wine and dine as he has told her that he is spending time with me. She has various other hobbies that she tries to include him in also( which does include wining & dining- especially if they are away for the day). I'm not saying that she wants to get together with him but she wants to spend as much time with him as a partner would. I asked him why she has not met anyone herself so he said she comes across as demanding, wanting everything her own way etc, which is her own perogative. I do genuinely feel uncomfortable as l feel that she is always waiting in the wings for him. Others may be of a different opinion to mine.

Newyearnewme2019, l do see where you are coming from. I haven't said he cannot go walking with her. The issue is with me and not him. Surely, he is not the only person she knows who would go walking with her though. There are plenty of walking groups to avail of when my boyfriend is busy.

maybe she doesn't want to go find a walking group, maybe she enjoyed having your boyfriend as her walking friend.

If my friend can't make it or goes on holiday, i don't walk to go and walk with strangers just like you wouldn't want to go to the gym with stangers if you went 2 or 3 times a week with a girlfriend.

As you said, the issues IS with you. You are seeing her as a threat and she isn't one. She just wants to spend time doing a pursuit with your boyfriend which they did when you were first seeing him. Nothing has changed other than it's lighter nights, weather is better and everyone wants to get a little fitter in time for summer.

I would tell him to let her know the days he is available in the week to go walking and maybe every 3rd Sunday and then if i was you, i would maybe joining them on a Sunday walk once in a while - it would be nice for ALL of you to make friends

I'm sure he will let her know the times he is free to go walking. I think he is trying to reduce the times that they go walking due to his other hobby. His male friend seems very casual about it when he is busy but she clearly isn't. I get that no one should give up their friends or hobbies when they are in a new relationship but l don't think my boyfriend would expect to meet so often if she met a guy. It's for him to sort out, time with me and his free time for his friends. I do feel threatened because of the amount of time that she wants to spend with him but its my problem.

It is your problem and i'm sure you wouldn't have a problem if it was a male friend. As you said, his male friend isn't on top if he doesn't see you boyfriend but is it a team hobby rather than just the two of them. I think this has a massive bearing on how each is perceived.

BF - can't make football tonight
Mate - no problem, there are another 10 other lads there

or

BF - cant make tennis tonight
Mate - well when can you, i can't play by myself. Can you do Monday / Wednesy / Friday WHEN WHEN WHEN?????

Perhaps she’s lonely. She needs to realise it’s time to take a step back though & he needs to tell her straight that while they can still be friends, you’re his priority & your time as a couple comes first. 2 evenings a week & a Sunday is too much!

If it were my partner I’d assume she’s holding a torch for him. I’d get to know her though & I’d never let her know she bothers me in any way (incase that’s what she wants) I’d joke around saying things like “it’s good I don’t need to worry, something would have happened between you a long time ago if it was going to!!” But I’m just petty

Ask your boyfriend if he’d mind you spending that much time alone with a male friend & give him something to think about.

This might not be a popular opinion but I believe most men & women friendships are one sided & the other person always hopes for more.

Maybe she is lonely, l don't know. Even if she called around to his place for a cuppa while l am there but it's like she wants or needs their 1:1 time together. One time when they were away for a day, he bought me a gift- she said to him, God but you have it bad for her. It's her reaction to when he says that he is spending the time with me, she goes into a mood or gets annoyed. If that were me, l would probably take it that she is coming second and find other friends for her hobby.

Did he tell you she’d said that? Why is he not putting a stop to this then? It would seem she has feelings & wants him all to herself & her jealousy comes out when she makes remarks like that.

Is he just being naive or could he be enjoying the attention from her? Either way if he doesn’t put a stop to it, there’s a problem! You’re not the one with the issue here, 99% of people in relationships would agree this isn’t acceptable or normal, to spend so much alone time with a friend of the opposite sex.

Tell him you’ll all go waking together from now on, see how he reacts. She can like it or lump it!

I asked him was she there when he bought the gift and if she was did she help his choose it. He said she was there but he chose it and that was her comment. If it were my friend l would have said to him something like, isn't that cute/sweet etc. I think he was happy to spend time with her when he was single. He always has stuff on with his other friends the other days. I have no problem with her holding a torch for him as he is with me but she seems to want him in her life to fill a void of a boyfriend. She plans other stuff for them to do which is not walking related.

She needs to get her own man & a life & he needs to set her straight!

and he needs to stop telling you what she said - he's stirring up feelings between the both of you.

Wouldn't be surprised if he's telling her what you say about her.

Either way, he shouldn't be telling either one of you of the negatives of the other person if he's hoping for an easy life.

And he sounds very much like a user of people, wanted her there to occupy his time, now you're doing there he's dropped her like a hot potato

My boyfriend has not dropped anyone like a hot potato nor has he broken her confidence with me. I asked a light hearted question about the gift, that's all. He is not a user of people either.

It's not kind to keep someone on the hook like this. Says a lot about his character

This isn’t really about her. It’s about you trusting your DP. Male / female friendships are normal. Seeing your opposite sex friend 2-3 times a week is normal. You automatically thinking there’s something wrong isn’t. I think you have a gut instinct about this OP and should follow it.

Maybe l have issues with trust. I trust him in that there is nothing going on with his female friend but its not something l have come across in previous relationships. My boyfriend is very genuine and l am not saying that he is going to drop her because of me. I would not be with someone who treats others like that. My options are to say nothing about it or finish with him as l am not comfortable with the situation. I know he has done nothing wrong but thinking ahead if we were married, him spending time with her so much is weird. We all have our boundaries. He has said that he wants us to go on these days out and different walks as a couple. I don't know how to get past this.

I think given that he alludes to her being high maintenance, she is unlikely to just be high maintenance in a relationship and easygoing with other friendships. She is being a high maintenance friend, and expecting her friendship to be maintained in the manner to which she grew accustomed! She probably views your boyfriend as her best friend and doesn't like sharing, hence acting this way. I appreciate he probably realises if he's totally straight with her and says he will only see her once a week/fortnight etc that he may have a dear that if things don't work out with you two he won't be able to pick up the life he once had again, so is perhaps juggling the two to some extent. But if that's the case, it's unfair on you as he's not putting his confidence in your partnership, and unfair to her as he's kind of picking her up and putting her down as he pleases in a bid to maintain equilibrium as much as possible.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, sorry if it comes across that way, it's just how I interpret what you've said.

Bottom line is - are you happy with how much he sees her? Irrespective of the conversations that go on around them meeting up, those don't really impact your relationship. If you don't mind him meeting up with her so much let him crack on if you trust him. Let her be as high maintenance as she likes, let him dance around it. Leave that between them. But if you don't like it, talk to him about it and see how to move forward.

Personally I wouldn't like it. Can't quite articulate why but it just wouldn't sit well with me. So no judgement here if it just sticks in your throat.