Is it me or him

[Jingers5]

I am seeing a lovely guy for nearly a year and we get on great. He has a few female friends which l generally have no problem with, however, one of them seems to demand alot of his time. This girl expects him to go walking with her two evenings per week and do an outdoor activity on a Sunday. My boyfriend said he will only go walking with her when it suits him and that our plans come first. I cannot get my head around the fact that she seems so clingy, even though she knows he is in a relationship now. He assures me it's only friendship on his part but even though he will tell her he is busy, she will keep messaging him to make more arrangements. Why can't she join a walking group? I feel a bit uncomfortable about it all as l feel she is over stepping the boundaries a bit, any thoughts welcome

If we bumped into her, of course l would chat away to her. It seemed to me like she was quite invested in the walks/activities as she would put it on Facebook where she was with my boyfriend. They live a few miles from each other so it's probably convenient for them both to meet. I am blaming her because my boyfriend has said in the past that she didn't want no for an answer when he didn't want to go walking.

He's a grown man, I'm sure he can manage to say no if he wants to.

He does say no but she comes back like a boomerang!!!

And when she "comes back like a boomerang" he is then compelled against his will to spend time with her?

Come on, OP, something isn't adding up in what your boyfriend is telling you. He is making you think she is basically stalking him, when the reality is he still voluntarily sees her a few times a week. To you he is saying "she won't leave me alone, I don't know why she isn't getting the message" but to her he is saying "I can't go for a walk tonight, but what about tomorrow?"

He doesn't say too much about her. I might ask if he has heard from her and he would say she was messaging during the week. I am the one saying she's OTT. He said they last went walking about three weeks ago- something he didn't mention at the time. I know he doesn't have to tell me all his movements but l did wonder why it wasn't said when l ask how was his day. Not sure if he just wants to avoid drama from me. He asked me if l wanted him to phase her out and l said no, that he didn't want me to be upset over it. He doesn't see it as an issue. He probably is keeping her on the back burner for when he is not seeing me. I find it an unusual situation.

Or she's just a friend he goes walking with?

Category12, it does seem like she's a friend that he goes walking with.

Sorry but I think your bf is not all that innocent in this. it's normal to spend time with friends, it's fine to have opposite sex friends. I think he just likes being the centre of attention, enjoys her clingyness and knows she probably has feelings for him and he quite enjoys this tug of war. It's completely him. I would meet her and see how they are together. Tag along in walks too, surprising them by deciding to come last minute. Fishy.

Hang on, I'm getting confused. Is your bf moaning to you about how much this woman contacts him or not ? Is he telling her to go away (and she isn't getting the message) or is he only bringing her up when you specifically ask?

You seem confused about what the actual issue is here. Is it just that YOU don't like how much time he spends with her, but don't want to ask him to cut it down? You don't want to tell you bf to stop seeing his friend, but (because she's a woman) you think she ought to magically intuit that she is no longer needed and melt away?

There have been times in the past when we were together on a Saturday night and his phone would ping, he would say that she was being stroppy with him for not going to wherever walking. He said he told her that he was spending weekend with me etc. He didn't go walking during the winter months but now that weather is better the walking seems to be back on.

My issue is the amount of time that she expects to have with him like he owes her something. I would have assumed that she would have backed off a bit since he is in a steady relationship but she hasn't. Maybe l am over thinking things.

From a strictly time perspective, working on the assumption you would see your partner more than you would a friend (which personally as a rule of thumb unless you lived next door to your friend I don't think is unreasonable) if he is seeing her three times a week, and you three or four, timewise that is like trying to fit in two relationships. It does seem a bit excessive. I would imagine at the very least she is disgruntled at the thought of her life being impacted because her friend has a new partner and is almost seeking reassurance that her place as his friend is as important as it used to be. Sadly (for her) as things get more serious that would seldom be the case.

I can't quite work out if your boyfriend is bothered by this. Even if he isn't though, I think he is perhaps inadvertently leading her on and in the long run could hurt her feelings more so he should give it more consideration and maybe have an honest chat with her.

Jingers, have you thought about going walking with them both? What do you think the reaction would be if you suggested it?

Need some bottle, l have to agree with what you have said. My boyfriend hasn't got a reply from his message to her at the weekend to say he was at mine.

Pollyesterblouse, l don't live near them to go walking last minute. If l was visiting him on a Saturday night- the arrangements to meet on the Sunday morning would already be made. I honestly don't think my boyfriend would have a problem with it, but his friend--l can't speak for her. My boyfriend did say that he wanted us to do things on the Sundays together.

When he offered to phase her out, why didn’t you say yes?! You’re giving him mixed messages!

I wouldnt like to tell him what to do. I would rather he makes up his own mind about his friends. I wanted to make the point to him that the amount of time she wants to spend with him is a much as we see each other. I have never made demands on his time like she does.

OP my DD was in a relationship where there was exactly the same situation. She finished it, telling the bloke that while he was fire to socialise or do his hobbies, she needed to feel like his priority and she didn't. This other woman acted like she owned the fella as they'd been mates for years.
Fast forward several months and he's woken up to himself. The mate has been put where she should have been: they still do their hobby on a regular basis but it's once a week, not 3 nights a week. He just seemed to realise my daughter was who he wanted after she showed him she wouldn't be second best waiting around for him.

I have been mulling things over since the weekend and didn't want to make a rash decision hence posting here for others perspectives. My boyfriend did offer to drop her and another friend if it was going to affect our relationship. I am the type of person who observes--if lm not happy with what l see, he will get phased out. For all l know, his friend could be really nice but l feel she is being disrespectful to me by being so pushy.

What more can the bloke do? He has offered to phase her out but you want to play the 'cool girlfriend' what is the point of you keep coming back on here moaning about her being pushy?

Your boyfriend doesn't seem that nice. He's keeping her as an option in case you split up and he probably loves all the attention. I wouldn't phase out a friend for a boyfriend, he clearly doesn't think too much of this woman if he's offering to do this. Not nice

Haven’t you posted before about this? Perhaps that was someone with an identical problem.

My ex had a very similar view about one of my friends, it’s the main reason he is an ex . He became so fixated on one if my friends, to the point of getting angry/pissed off if I got a text from them (even if it was in a group chat and I hadn’t heard from them in weeks).

It isn’t something I would ever put up with again.

Meet herand observe their behaviour together. I think it's him you have a problem with it seems he's giving out mixed messages and enjoying being in demand.

I’m a bit confused by your post. You only have your boyfriend’s word that she is demanding his time. If he didn’t like her he wouldn’t spend so much time with her so why is he being so rude and dismissive of her to you? It makes me wonder what he says to her about you. I think you are out of order describing her as a clinger to him. The best thing to do would be to meet her. I’m sure all of their walks can’t be last minute so I’d go along

I wouldn’t like it if my BF spent so much time with another woman. But what bothers me more is the way he has portrayed her to you. And you appear to have totally jumped on the idea of her being unreasonable and demanding whereas she may just be asking him if he fancies a walk and as he spends so much time with her why would she think this was unreasonable. It’s not her job to manage your relationship. That’s for you and your Bf.

@Decormad38 I thought exactly the same

Thanks all for your perspectives about this.
It's something l haven't come across before. This was my first post here.