How do I make him listen and leave

[MysticalMoon]

Hey everyone I'm new on here.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years and have 2 children with him.
Last Xmas we had an argument as usual and he left, and spent 3 weeks at his family's house getting drunk and coked up and texting me abuse as always.
Enough was enough for me. I told him it was over and next.came the accusations as to I must be sleeping with someone else etc.and the guilt tripping how he would lose his job if I didn't let him back.he bullied his way back.
Silly me thought he won't listen to words that it's over so I'll show him actions.
Now 4 months down the line and he's still here.i don't go near him. We always argue. I don't love him I've told him this repeatedly.
I'm not sure if he stays out of spite or because he has nowhere really to go. He fell out with his family after Xmas. Yet another long story after his sister told me what he had been up to there behind my back. Of course he denied it and called her a liar. More than one person has told me things about him yet he always says they're lying.
Anyway.. It's over 100% in my eyes.
But I can't make him listen! He just carries on as though I've not said it! It's not normal
And I feel so depressed and trapped. I daydream about how much better my life will be with him gone. But every time I get my hopes up that he's listened,they get dashed.
I don't know what to do anymore. Making me feel as though I just have to live this way. Why wont he just leave? He's a grown man,he works,he can find his own place and go! So why is he just not listening?
I'd appreciate any advice at all I'm desperate....

I had this exact same problem. I just couldn't get rid of him, he would pretend I just hadn't said anything and carry on as normal. It was infuriating. I wish I'd had mumsnet back then. I finally just moved on, met my now husband and that forced the issue. I don't recommend this as I do wish I'd had some time alone first

Who's name is the house in and how are your finances first.

You can't make him listen or change. What you can do is look at legal options for getting him out or for moving out yourself with the dc.

Is your home owned/rented, in joint names, what?

Who's house is it?

Who owns the house?

The house is council.
In my name only.
I'm more concerned about him kicking off if I just turf his things out while he's at work.
He has a criminal record from before he met me. Violence mostly especially when drinking.
So if I have to call police im scared of repercussions x

I think police and a non mol order is probably the only way

Ger legal advice

If it's council in your name then tell him he has 1 week to remove himself and his belongings, failing which you will call the police and having him removed.

But if you don't do anything, you could live like this indefinitely. He's got no incentive to leave.

Speak to your neighbourhood manager and have them put you in touch with their domestic abuse support services, speak to Women's Aid and speak to the police.

I've tried talking nicely to him. I've screamed it at him. I've told him he has a certain timescale to leave etc

He listens to none of it! It's like the next day his memory has been wiped clean and he's calling me babe and trying to hug me!
I don't rely on him financially. He's not reliable enough!
He left the other night and I thought finally!
Then was woken by him banging my door at midnight. I opened door and he came in and wasn't till he was in that I smelt the alcohol.
He's a nasty piece of work when drunk.
I slept on my kids bedroom floor out of the way.
He's ground me down so much even friends don't recognise me.this isn't me.
I used to be strong and independent and took no shit.
Now I'm a mug he's walked all over. X

Look, you need to get past this fear. Do it for your children because I'll tell you it took a while to unpick the damage caused by the arguing and atmosphere with my eldest especially.

Don't terf his stuff out but pack it. Tell him he's not welcome back in the house and if he makes a scene then you're getting him lifted. You'll need to ride out the blackmail, it's not your problem if his life goes tits up if he leaves, this is damaging your children believe me. He'll haunt you, the presents will start arriving, he'll hound your friends. Then he'll start using the kids to get at you either with the going for custody bollocks (you might even get solicitors letters) or fucking you about with contact (because obviously you're fucking someone else so he'll not let you get the chance crap)

It will be a total rollercoaster designed to wear you down but if you give in he'll know the level of harrassement needed for next time.

Don't worry about calling the police, use every resource available to help you. It'll be a long bumpy road with niceness switching to nastyness with other stuff thrown in but just think that your life and more importantly your children's will improve with him not in it.

I've threatened him with police but he don't take me seriously
He knows I won t follow through

You have to start following through.

Gamer chick....I've been here before but that ex was violent towards me the whole relationship.
This one isn't but I don't trust him not to be if pushed.
I know I want him gone. I know it will damage my kids.
I have grown up children from the violent relationship as well as 2 young kids with this one.
I think it's the fear of history repeating as it all happened before. For years he wouldn't leave me alone.

You aren't really helping your self, you tell him you'll call the police but you actually won't, of course he knows that. He knows that you won't follow through with anything you say. If you really do want him to go, then calling the police will make that happen

It's as tho it's the lesser of 2 evils to put up with the shit rather than the grief that's guaranteed to come if I end it properly.
I've seen tasters of what he's like. I've kicked him out no end of times.
He's always bullied or threatened or guilt tripped his way back in x

Queen bee x
I know you are totally right.
I've threatened stuff loads and not followed through so it's my own fault he ignores me.
I don't know why I've become like this.
He's worn me down so much

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it you got with your ex who was himself violent and this man who is also verbally violent?. It may well be that you simply went from one abusive relationship into yet another albeit of a different type of abuse, but abusive all the same. This man targeted you as well like your ex did.

His aim all along has been to ground you (and in turn your children who are seeing all this) down. Men like this take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. Women's Aids Freedom Programme is a must do now for you and in person.

You have to get past the fear of him (and being alone) and make a better life for yourself and your children without this individual in it. Not following through on any threat is not an option now also because your children are learning from you about relationships too. This is patently not the set of relationship lessons you want to be teaching them because they could well end up in abusive relationships themselves. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Living with this individual is going to affect not just you but your children and your relationship with them going forward as well. They will simply see you as putting him before them and they could well hate you for doing that.

Abusive men also like strong women (but they can sense their own insecurities and any lack of self esteem to use against their chosen target) to take down to their level; they see them as a challenge. Men like this current man you write of hate women, all of them.

The violent ex was probably over 20 years ago now. I have had relationships and also been single since then.
I truly don't fear being alone or being a single mom. I brought my other 3 children up by myself.
What I do fear is repercussions.
The violent partner stalked me, abused me etc for 2 years afterwards to the point the children I had with him had nothing to do with him. We haven't done since then.
I had to move out of the area to stop it.
My older children see what this partner is and none of them like him. He has took me for a fool for years and I'm done.
My young children are aged 2 and 3. X

Get in touch with women's aid. And like it or not you are going to have to phone the police. He has not right to be in your home. Stop telling him to go just pick up the phone right this second and call the police.

I have called the police on the past over him sending me abusive texts and kicking off outside my house.
Seemed like it was me ended up with the hassle after this with it being on record etc I felt as though I was the one in the shit what with health visitors wanting to come see me and it being put in as a safeguarding report.

He's in bed at the moment as is working nights. Not that I see any of his wages .
But once my little ones go to bed I'm gonna have to give him one final talk to leave my house civilly within the next day or 2 or I'm gonna have to resort to police because I just can't live like this anymore. I dread getting out of bed on a morning. I dread him coming back from work,and I dread going to bed as he hassles me for sex and when I say no he tries for over an hour to bully me into it.
I'm run off my feet all day in 42 with 2 toddlers doing everything by myself with his shit added on top.

Please call women's aid and tell them everything you've said on here - they will be able to offer advice.

I totally get your previous experience with stalking and abuse makes you fear the consequences of following through, but the longer you let him stay the more he will say you "led him on" / "tricked him" etc and likely be angrier even than now.

I really hope you get him out, disgusting behaviour on his part.

Have you done the freedom programme? It's worth a go once things have settled.

You poor thing :( keep posting and asking practical questions on here as there are always brilliant lawyers / doctors / people who have experience on your side of the relationship who can offer practical advice.

Sorry cross posted. Please please follow through on calling police, he won't leave by himself.

Oh god and he hassles you and tries to bully you into sex?! Fuck me he sounds like a grade A cunt.

Id want to ask him how he'd feel if one of his daughters was being treated like that, especially re sex in a relationship. Ugh.

He don't care about anyone but hiself believe me.
He was hassling me for sex the day I stopped bleeding after a miscarriage!
He's got needs so he says!
Lucky I didn't chop his bloody needs off! Lol.
Believe me I saw through him months ago but I swear he's got superglue on his bloody feet or something.
Ive told him I don't love him and it's over.
His usual response is I must be fucking someone else then.
Cuz obviously I'd be out of my mind not to want his drunken coked up waste of space lazy was so I must be the one in the wrong! It's draining fighting with someone every day.
I don't get why he would wanna stay.
If it was me my pride would make me leave! Wouldn't stay where I wasn't wanted x