How do I make him listen and leave

[MysticalMoon]

Hey everyone I'm new on here.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years and have 2 children with him.
Last Xmas we had an argument as usual and he left, and spent 3 weeks at his family's house getting drunk and coked up and texting me abuse as always.
Enough was enough for me. I told him it was over and next.came the accusations as to I must be sleeping with someone else etc.and the guilt tripping how he would lose his job if I didn't let him back.he bullied his way back.
Silly me thought he won't listen to words that it's over so I'll show him actions.
Now 4 months down the line and he's still here.i don't go near him. We always argue. I don't love him I've told him this repeatedly.
I'm not sure if he stays out of spite or because he has nowhere really to go. He fell out with his family after Xmas. Yet another long story after his sister told me what he had been up to there behind my back. Of course he denied it and called her a liar. More than one person has told me things about him yet he always says they're lying.
Anyway.. It's over 100% in my eyes.
But I can't make him listen! He just carries on as though I've not said it! It's not normal
And I feel so depressed and trapped. I daydream about how much better my life will be with him gone. But every time I get my hopes up that he's listened,they get dashed.
I don't know what to do anymore. Making me feel as though I just have to live this way. Why wont he just leave? He's a grown man,he works,he can find his own place and go! So why is he just not listening?
I'd appreciate any advice at all I'm desperate....

20 year ago there wasn’t the laws we have now

All DV is illegal and will have him lifted for when he kicks off
Yes he’ll be bailed but there are conditions to it and he breaches it he’s lifted again and held over till court day then either released or bailed again.

Non mol would help here, but phoning the police first is your first step to getting him out and keeping him out.

Yes my ex from 20 years ago was arrested,took to court the next day,then bailed to keep away from me. Once he was bailed to not even enter the whole area. But he did. He broke bail every time.went round in circles with it.
Police even turned up after I called them the one time as he was in the process of trying to kick my door off! Still the courts bailed him!
Only stopped when I disappeared from the area altogether.
Just don't want history repeating that's the only reason I'm reluctant.but like I said if that's what has to happen for me to be free from this asshole then so be it

Is he gone yet?

Have you kicked him out yet? Called the police and get there help. Do it sooner than later. He is an abusive addict who offers no good to either your children’s or yours life. Get rid.

Been dealing with a family emergency today I've not been home all day

Did you manage to get him out today?

Hi guys.
Sorry I haven't posted.
Been a nightmare week but yes he's out finally. After arguments and hassle he went of his own accord rather than police attend.i had to call them in front of him and think that made him finally realise I'm serious.
It's been a week of having to block certain members of his family on Facebook who decided to stick their noses in.
Luckily none of them have my number.
He's been back a few times trying to guilt trip me but Ive not let him in. Told him if he wants the rest of his stuff he can make arrangements to collect it with police in attendance.

Well done op .

Don't let him wheedle, guilt or threaten his way back in.

Well done!

Now, remember this is now, not 20 yrs ago. It’s not going to unfold the same way. Different people, different circumstances.

The only thing that is the same is you. And you are stronger and older and wiser.

So don’t replay the past, and bring it to life in the present again because your fears give it power in your head.

You seem so scared of the past youre ending up pushing the present to make it fit with the past. Reread some of your posts on this thread and you can see it happening.

I’m not blaming you, I’m really sympathetic, deeply traumatic experiences leave their mark. And when things trigger those horrible, painful scars, it all comes to the surface again, just as raw as if it happened yesterday, or... is happening all over again.

But that’s your brain playing tricks on you. Take courage from knowing that although it might feel the same in your head because of your past traumatic experiences, it is NOT the same. And although you may feel like the past is happening all over again, it’s not. It just is NOT. And your brain cannot make it happen the same through your memories coming alive.

One way of separating these two situations is to find a phrase to repeat to yourself when you feel panicked and overwhelmed, like “those feelings don’t belong to now, they belong to the past, and what happened then was awful, but it belongs to the past. It’s not happening now, it belongs to the past...”

Yes you are right it was old fears holding me back.
I was young and naive back then.
I'm not that way anymore and I won't be letting history repeat!
But yes when certain things happen similar to things that have traumatised a person in the past,alarm bells start to ring and old feelings resurface.
But yes,that was past,different person,different time.
This one is an asshole don't get me wrong, but nothing in comparison to my monster of an ex years ago.
Plus fear of the same happening this time has held me in this relationship for years more than I should of been. What a waste of years I won't get back!
Either way,the feeling of relief and freedom I now feel,far outweighs any fear of future hassle from him!!

Well done OP!

You’re being amazing

congratulations OP

It's a good job I didn't need to get police involved as they told me it's a civil matter if I wanted him out but he wasn't kicking off or anything.
They only attend to remove someone if there's threats of violence etc.
Didn't realise this.
Good job he didn't know this lol

But when I kick him out,and he drinks,he's a different person. Suddenly grows some balls and sends me abuse and threats, comes to my house and kicks off,and I wouldn't put it past him laying his hands on me when he drinks

If he send you threats and abuse then that’s a “ threat of violence “ so call the police if he shows up and doesn’t leave when you ask him to.

DONT try to “ give as good as you get “. Just call the police.

Your problem isn’t that you used to be young and naive but now you are tough and strong. Your problem is that you are attracted to and get into relationships with abusive men.

Please do the Freedon Programme, for your kids sake if not for your own. The FP will help you spot the red flags early on so you can end it NOT so you can fix them.

I find that quite offensive!
I am not attracted to abusive men
They don't come with a c.v when you meet them staying " utter asshole "
My very first relationship and this last one were this way
I have had relationships in between which have been in no way abusive at all.
So that was unfair to imply I am basically so naive I hunt out the bad men to have relationships with.
And yes I am well aware what I posted regarding his behaviour when I be kicked him put in the past
I was simply staying that for anyone in a similar situation you cannot just call police and say you want him out can you remove him please.
Not unless as I said there is threats etc going on.
Just because its my name on tenancy etc itd not that simple unless violence etc is happening at the exact time you ask them to leave
I am 42 years old and I know how to spot the signs.
But by the time I saw signs I was pregnant with our second child
That's when most of it started
At that point I stayed as it hadn't been like that before so I gave it some time to see if it would continue.
Most of the way he treated me after that seemed as though he couldn't handle family life and kept running back to his old single ways.
Anyway.
He's gone now and that's it
I appreciate the help and support given on bere. Just not the way I seem to have been judged in some ways,when all i asked for was a little advice and support along the way.
I was doubting myself that's all,whether I was strong enough to leave and face any repercussion.
If and when I get any hassle whatsoever from him from this point,police will be called. End of.
He will be showed early on that I mean business

Well done OP.
So glad you managed to get him out.
Please do look at contacting Womens Aid about all of this.
Also doing their Freedom Programme might help if you haven't done it before.
Stay strong. We are all behind you!

The second you mentioned about him falling out with everyone at the holidays I could have sang out - narrrrrrcissist! They always cause drama during the holidays lol.

I agree with the poster that said to speak to womens aid for advice. If it were me I would just dump his stuff at his mums and change the locks whilst he was out. But maybe they will advice speaking to the police for an escorted removal or something.

But either way, you have to act decisively or he will continue to walk all over you.

I’m sorry if you find my comment offensive, that wasn’t my intention. I found the Freedom Programme very helpful and so have lots of other MNers .

So that was unfair to imply I am basically so naive I hunt out the bad men to have relationships with

I didn’t imply that at all and it’s interesting that you read that into my post.

I hope things work out well for you and your children.

He's already out.
His mom lives about 100miles away otherwise I would of.
And the comment stating....
Your problem isn’t that you used to be young and naive but now you are tough and strong. Your problem is that you are attracted to and get into relationships with abusive men.
That did seem to imply I always end up with abusive men due to some fault on my part.apologies if I took it the wrong way

And narcissist most definitely fits his personality! All charming etc until they GOT you

It’s not a fault on your part or mine for that matter.

It’s just that when we are children we learn about relationships and we can unwittingly repeat these patterns in our adult lives. Sometimes we choose the opposite and that can cause issues too.

Eg if your dad was unemployed and lazy, you might choose a man who is very career driven and neglects his wife and family. But you tell yourself “ well at least he has a good job “ and so put up with his cheating with colleagues.

Or you complain about it to you mum and she says to ignore the affairs, because she’s worried about you and the kids being poor or even homeless if you split up.

Maybe not a good example, I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well.

Anyway I found the FP very helpful .

No I understand where you're coming from.
My dad left when I was 5 and I didn't see or hear from him till I was 30.
However my step dad has been around from when I was 6 and is a lovely man.
I don't tolerate cheating in any form.
I was told he had been chatting to and kissed another woman over Xmas. That was the final straw for me.
To take me for an idiot and me stupidly stick around was bad enough but to be off cheating over Xmas and getting pissed and coked up when Xmas should of been for his kids just made me wake up fully and see him for what he is.
A selfish user. Who only wanted me when he needed something from me or when no one better was around
Even when I said no to things he would go on and on and on till I either snapped or gave in.
Definitely narcissist tendencies.
I will look up the FP but having 2 toddlers by myself I don't get to do a lot

Try to find out, how hard it is to get a place to stay in your area. It maybe a lot harder than you think. Also he maybe aware that once out he will lose any relationship with the kids.
I would try to think how I would feel if my Hubbie asked me to leave and what I would do.

He does work so has the option of private renting and there's plenty available around the area.
I had asked him to leave over a month ago so he's had plenty time to find somewhere, just chose not to bother as didn't take me seriously
Either way he's a grown man with the means to find his own accommodation.
As long as he keeps it civil and I don't get the usual abuse and hassle,he can see the kids he knows that.
So that ball is in his court.